How the hell do I get this man out of my head!

[Beccaloolah]

Hi there all.
It's a long story but finally sold up and moved out of house after 13 year relationship went tits up when discovered his love of prostitutes and some tart in the office.

For the last month of sharing a house I had flirty relationship with very sexy guy - text flirting, the odd coffee, an occasional swim! and a few pints one night/one afternoon. It got quite saucy but NOTHING happened. And I confided in him a lot and he seemed so lovely and trustworthy and helpful. And unfortunately bloody, totally deliciously sexy!

Anyway, ex had a pop at him in the street and blamed him for the end of our relationship and crush/new friend? promptly cut me off. I was doing OK with it though slightly mourning the loss of the attention that I have been deprived of for sooooo long.

But I see this guy around A LOT!!!

Sometimes I barely get a wave and other times I get a big grin and cheery wave.

The other day bumped into him in coffee shop and there was a wee bit of banter. Today (a few days after coffee shop chat), I hooted as I drove past him and I got the evil, filthiest of looks and it just kind of ruined my day,

The thing is I just get very flustered when I see him - I totally admit to wanting to sleep with the guy (especially as I've not actually had ANY sex for three years!!!) but just as I think I'm moving on from what is really just a crush I see him again and I get all bloody flustered and then can't stop thinking about him again.

It sounds soooo pathetic, I feel like I'm bloody 15 again but I have no fucking idea what to do to get this guy out of my head or to just be normal around him.

ARGHHHH!!!

it's understandable you've enjoyed a bit of attention from someone you fancy that's not a crime
don't be so hard on yourself.
well done getting out of and moving on from the 13 year relationship. Your ex sounds like a twat.
you're bound to feel lonely and want sex and attention. Don't let this guy get to your self esteem but you can't just try to stop thinking of him in an instant, it will fade in time.
In the meantime, do some nice things for yourself -maybe try to expand your social circle, go out with a mate, pampering, even a bit of counselling/self help books etc? basically boosting your self esteem.

Thank you - it's weird because this guy boosted my self-esteem so much. I felt funny and attractive around someone for the first time in years and now he makes me feel out of control again and dare i say it weak.

Counselling is on the agenda - I have some sessions booked starting next week. I just need to focus on the fact I've been strong enough to get out of a shit relationship (it took three years to pluck up the confidence to get out) and this guy was a fun distraction. I need to get to like me again and feel confident and strong on my own instead of using the crush as a crutch/distration from getting stronger in myself.

Can anyone recommend any good self help books?

X

Beccaloolah, when your ex had a pop at him in the street, did you and boycrush discuss it? It's possible he simply didn't want the hassle of being responsible for the end of someone's relationship. He may even have judged you as a woman who was trying to have an affair with him while still in a relationship, after all you were still sharing the house with your ex.

Whatever his reasons, you may have to accept that if he was serious about you, nothing your ex could say or do would put him off.

So if he was after a fling maybe your ex did you a favour? As for the shirty look when you were in your car, very often when people beep me in their cars, I stare quizzically because I can't work out who they are.

Anyway, if you haven't discussed your ex with him, maybe next time you see him, keep it light and say something like "Sorry my ex had a pop at you. He found our break up difficult and was looking for someone to blame."

That's letting him know that you and the ex are definitely over and that you were not cheating on him.

Boycrush knew the reasons why we had split up (we split up in February but only moved out Sept 13. Ex is a control freak who refused to move out despite owning a flat nearby and having access to pal's empty three-bed flat in London - and carrying on with his OW). In fact, boycrush was very good with advice about split as he had been through a similar thing with his ex 6 years ago.

I think the reality is boycrush is a player who preys on vulnerable women, gets off on his ego being boosted. He blamed me for it all - I told him ex couldn't take responsibility for his own actions and needed to blame someone else. In fact ex liked to rewrite history and see himself as totally innocent though how anyone can see 13 years of whoring around the world as innocent is beyond me.

And as for me being judged for trying to have an affair in a relationship - turns out the girl he called his PA and "some blond he occasionally met for coffee" is in fact his girlfriend!

I know I'm best shot of a bad/toxic man - just doesn't stop me lusting/flustering around him.

Ho hum!

What a charmer he is? So he sat and played the understanding bloke and listened to your troubles with that pained look on his face, and the whole object was to get your scanties off? You gotta laugh. You gotta start losing your awe of him and see him as the shallow youth he really is. That way you dont' get flustered when you see him but treat him like the jumped up pantry boy he is.

Yup - that's just what he did! And at a really bad time in my life. Just stupidly fell for it and now need to get over it. So his hot and cold behaviour now just does my head in more. I'm still feeling too vulnerable from moving out and going it alone to deal with the fact he literally pops up everywhere! We used to joke we stalked one another because we would always be bumping into one another at random places - sometimes FIVE times a day. I even went to a completely different coffee shop thinking he wouldn't go there (i know his haunts) and he bloody walked in all cheery cheeky grin. Fucker.

If he's playing hot and cold, then I suggest you play cold. Yep. When you see him, dont' smile or say hello but look away. Shame on him for blaming you when you'd confided in him and told him the whole story.

He's not really a very nice person is he? Why waste a smile on him? Blank him from now on - he's of no use to you at all.

You're right. He is no use to me at all.
Thank you ChelseaBun.