Romantic or neurotic?

[Mueslimorning]

This question is about me and my relationship expectations.
Have been with dh for over 4 yrs, married for 3.
There have been some sad events in my life, my dm died 2 yrs ago, I'm about to become redundant (having worked in same place for over 20 yrs).
Maybe I'm too needy, but I thought having a p who tells you daily he loves you would mean more empathy in trying circumstances. I always feel family and friends react with more understanding, emotional support and general decency than dh.
However, despite dh daily claim to loving me, I'm finding it ever more difficult to believe.
Just when I think, ok, I'm really upset now, this is when dh will step up and be a truly loving supportive partner, he manages to let me down.
I in turn try to be reasonable and excuse his behaviour, like he couldn't offer his support when I was really ill (not long into our already serious relationship) because he had his dc (then 12 and 8) for that weekend, or he couldn't attend my mums funeral (abroad, but within reason) because he had his dc (then 14 and 10) that weekend (we were married by then and they could in both instances have stayed with their mum, it was dh who wouldn't hear of a change of plan).
Is it me? Am I pathetic and need to "man up"?
What level of decency may be expected from a p? Married or not.
His reaction to my impending redundancy was to encourage me to change jobs ASAP... It's as if he doesn't want to be lumbered with my grievances, or, heaven forbid, offer to support us all until I'm sorted (it would only be the sentiment as I have good chances of re employment).
Do I not deserve affection in abundance, what kind of man says "sorry" for hurting me but expects me to move on regardless?
Am I an inconvenience if I need support?

Ps
I did confront dh last night. Again he says sorry, then basically says he doesn't want to be an ass. But we've had this conversation many times, and couple counseling only seems to give him better worded excuses.
It's like he has decided not to trust me and is in this marriage for convenience only. But there is to be no real closeness (our standard of living is fine, but it means nothing without real partnership, as I told him).

You're not pathetic. Tell him 'love' is a verb... as the kids say 'a doing word'. Saying I love you all the time but not acting in a loving manner makes it meaningless.

"It's like he has decided not to trust me and is in this marriage for convenience only. "

I'd agree with the last part but I don't think its about trust especially. He just sounds like he has no empathy and big fat selfish streak. Was he always like this? Do you think you've made the classic mistake of marrying someone who was 90% what you want thinking that they'd change for the better over time?

Thanks for replying cogito.
I do tell him, but he acts as if I treat him unkindly for pointing this out.
He then might buy me flowers... Anything but truly engage with me, human to human.
Sometimes I feel he tries to fob me off with theories on aspergers. But as far as I know people on the spectrum are obsessively honest (he is not) and don't have a tendency to indulge in self pity and yet exclude their oh from sympathy and warmth.
I have been directed to Lundy Bancroft books and read them but dh doesn't really fit the ea criteria either.
I know he had a difficult first marriage, but so had I. Its insane the amount of time I spend trying to make him see that I'm not happy being a roommate with benefits. Short of leaving him or kicking him out, I'm unclear on how to continue. His refusal to make me an "equal" is earth shatteringly childish, its obvious to me, our couple counselor, and yet he persists in pretending its otherwise.

Oh OP I sympathise. My exH was like this. (6 weks after my dad died he told me to stop going on about it because it was boring!)

If your H is anything like my exH then he seems to lack any empathy. If he's not feeling that same feeling then he can't or won't understand or believe it. "Oh stop being silly!" was a standard repost if I was upset about anything like my feelings were silly and to be dismissed.

This attitude seriously contributed to the breakdown of our marriage

So no, you are not being unreasonable in expecting him to connect with you more

I am seriously shocked he didn't go to your mother's funeral with you

When we met he was open and honest and I could not believe I'd met somebody who,thought like me, wanted to parent like me and shared my outlook, tastes etc.
Then when we moved in together he changed, slowly but surely. As if he had realized he had made some kind of mistake. I was not to be his equal after all, I was to be housekeeper, nanny, whatever.
I know, typical red flag material, but occasionally I catch a glimpse of the man I fell in love with, but he's hiding behind a wall of distrust (aren't all wives evil?!?!) and justifies his selfishness with rational discourse (I'm responsible for myself and ds, fair enough) but then has me look after dsc when he's on business trips etc. loads of double standards, and I'm tired of pointing them all out.
I thought we both put family first. Now he talks of promotion and his god given right to move up and on (effectively leaving me with more unpaid nanny duties, sorry for sounding harsh. Dsc aren't the problem, dh taking me for granted is).

He's not going to change because he doesn't think he's at fault and he has an answer for everything. (Aspergers? That's a good one) Doesn't necessarily make him EA just a plain old-fashioned chauvinist ... bit selfish, bit distant, bit thoughtless and chuck the little woman a sorry, an 'I love you' and a few flowers when she loses her temper....

You met and married pretty quickly. If it's bad enough you need counsellors after such a short time together I'm sorry but I think you're flogging a dead horse.

Thanks bitoutof, sometimes I wish dh would be so rude, but he couches it all v politely and says sorry a lot, not that it makes one jot of difference, but it leaves me looking unfair, unjust or demanding.
I realize now that I've not really forgiven him for not being with me at mums funeral. Its kind of difficult wanting him to make Amends for this, but maybe this is the closure I'm looking for.
But again, I'd have to ask for this, there is seemingly no need from dh pov, But I need to see empathy coming sincerely and spontaneously without my asking for it to save our marriage...

Yes ikwym. It's the kind of behaviour that has to come from the heart, not be nagged into. Otherwise it's meaningless isn't it?

Personally I think the funeral is just unforgivable. A deal breaker for me if truth be told.

" As if he had realized he had made some kind of mistake."

There was no mistake on his part. He turned on the charm long enough to lure you in and the nanny/housekeeper/servant part was the plan all along. You're 'evil' one minute and getting I love yous and flowers the next to keep you on the back foot. Uses the counselling to grandstand. That's all pretty standard EA behaviour.

I agree really and have brought up all the things you mention cogito, in private and in counseling. Dh promises to change, but doesn't.
And recently ,he got upset at all the "horrible" things I accused him of, chauvinism etc.
its so childish, its a case of I know that you know that I know... Honestly, I think I'm so upset because he treats me like an idiot! His first wife was intelligent, and all women he knows as friends, family are intelligent, educated and have opinions, I'm no different, why is he pretending I am the little woman? I had just finished my PhD when we met (and I'm a bit taller than him).

Yes, it is red flag material. Talk is cheap: you thought he thought like you, wanted to parent like you and shared your outlook and tastes. But that's not the case, is it? He also says he loves you but doesn't act in a loving way.

So he seems quite accustomed to saying one thing and doing another: justifying his selfishness with rational discourse, as you say.

That's not how a loving and equal partner acts.

I always feel family and friends react with more understanding, emotional support and general decency than dh
... this is also a warning sign that something is badly wrong. If the person you love cannot understand you or support you, what is he doing there?

I know you've looked at Lundy and felt it didn't apply. I can only say that EA tends to evolve from a low/no empathy outlook like this one, with impaired conscience in the mix too.

"... The plan all along."
Can a man really be so heartless and cold and calculating? This would amount to deliberate enslavement (and I pay my way).

Impaired conscience, that's a good description.
I do see him treat himself and others better.
Thanks for your input ladies, I'm realizing now I don't really feel like a victim. I have choices. We both do.
Obviously with the ea I missed that bit about empathy. I feel for complete strangers when they're in need, dh doesn't. My dad was like that. I excused him because he had an extraordinary terrible childhood. Dh was a spoiled brat in comparison, still is I suppose.
Our next counseling session is in a week. Will have to address this head on, ask if there is a realistic chance of change. Dh has said he's willing to attend own sessions with differnt counseler. Will ask her advice, she seems competent (because she agrees with me, pulls up dh and is lp herself, I,e. Takes no male bs). I was lp for 8 yrs. I manage well on my own, am flabbergasted dh thought me easy pickings...

Yes they can be. The pattern you describe happens much more often than you'd think. They want a woman to fulfil certain things for them and they set out their stall to attract one. They're not going to get that woman if they don't turn on the charm so for while that's what they are... loving, charming, romantic, thoughtful. Once you've got a ring on your finger it's a case of job done and they feel confident enough to be the real them. You start wondering what you did wrong, think the new behaviour is just a one-off, he's stressed, he's depressed, whatever.... and he's still saying I love you and bringing flowers so now you're totally confused ... but now you're married and you can't just walk away so you agree to counselling.

You married after just a year and that's another pretty classic EA technique. Sweep you off your feet before you cotton onto the real them.

I'm not surprised that you are an intelligent, capable, independent woman. Women like you are 'stayers'. You will persevere with something long after you should probably give up.

I'm going to take that as a compliment!
I can see you're right, on all accounts. I seem to remember that counselor asked him if he Had been "deliberately" charming and he laughed a bit and said of course, otherwise he wouldn't have been able to catch me. Creepy now in hindsight. At the time I just thought what an embarrassing thing to say...

'Deliberate' is an odd word in this context. I don't think they sit down with a pen and paper and project manage these things exactly. However, they're motivated by self, quite callous and often see others as a means to an end.... there for their benefit. You mentioned 'spoilt brat' and I don't know if that was serious but it certainly fits the type.