Just can't seem to be able to communicate with partner

[Jan45]

I posted a while back in the step mum bit re my stepson but it's really an issue with my partner that's causing me grief.

Been together 11 years, get on well, everything as perfect as I could want until his son arrived aged 11, loads of issues and arguments ensued over our completely different modes of parenting, i.e, his lack of and his son having quite severe issues.

Fast forward to today and partner and son moved in with me nearly 10 months ago now. Sounds incredibly petty saying this but I noticed right away son's complete lack of showering, personal hygiene etc so told my partner to sort it out. To cut a long story short, this has been going on since they moved in with me - the way it goes is, after a week I have to say something about the non washing as my partner seems to be oblivious to this which in itself is strange when he is OTT on his own cleanliness. I resent having to raise this with his son and him and have told him it's his job to parent his son, he's bloody 18 in a few months time so hardly a baby that needs helping. He's incredibly lazy, my partner appears to be happy to let his son do feck all every day, doesn't push him to do anything really, in fact they have very limited communication together and all I see his son doing is dossing and not washing.

Each time I raise the issue it's usually after me silently simmering for a week whilst his son goes back to not washing and partner does FA about it so I usually lose it a bit and go off on a tangent about it, this then results in myself and partner having an argument and not talking, then we make up after a few days of me feeling terrible and incredibly resentful. I feel like I'm on a merry go round with it, it's been going on nearly ten months now. Same thing happened last night - I am so fed up with it all, I don't want our relationship to end but my partner's inability or refusal to sort this issue out is chipping away at us and the resentment I am feeling is overwhelming me. I don't ask his son to do anything else apart from that, am I asking too much, really???

I can't fix this, only he can and he seems in complete denial that there is even an issue and the problem seems to be me.

Sorry it's a bit long!

I would take the view that 'my house, my rules', bypass your useless partner, and tell the DS what to do directly. That's the short-term fix, purely to make life less pungent, if nothing else. However, I would be deeply suspicious that your DP had moved in this lad so that you'd do all the mothering and he could put his feet up. Foisting something that should be his responsibility onto you in a particularly underhand way. That's the reason I'd be telling him and his layabout DS to find somewhere new to live....

I have tried speaking to son about the importance of personal hygiene etc and how I actually expect him to behave in my home and one rule is he washes, he knows all this, he's been hearing it for ten months.

I just don't get either of their inability to take it on board, it should have been sorted from the off but yet here I am again. I don't like losing control either and I end up shouting which resolves nothing.

I actually don't think my DP does want me to mother his son, quite the opposite, if I raise any issue re his son I'm pretty much told that's his domain and not to get involved. Fine, the dossing I can ignore, he's not my child and I don't give him money but the non washing is a deal breaker for me, DP knows this so what else can I do but think he's really not bothered about making me happy if he can't do a simple thing like that.

It's time to ask them to go isn't it? My stomach is in knots about it, how do I walk away from the person I've loved for the last 11 years over this - FFS, this?

It is time to tell Steptoe that Son either shapes up or they both ship out. The 18yo I have a small amount of sympathy for... if nothing is expected of him, he's meeting those expectations. Many teenagers out there would behave exactly the same way if they had the chance. But your DP can't on the one hand say 'back off' and then do nothing about his DS on the other. If the kid is bone-idle I take it he has no job, not off to uni soon, nothing that might precede him getting a place of his own?

Sorry for replying so late. He left school will pretty much nothing, whilst there we were constantly being told he had switched off from learning. I know kids can be lazy but this is another level. He has no purpose at all, no job, no college etc, nothing and appears quite happy with the status quo, they both do, it appears I'm the one with the problem cos I think it's all wrong....I don't see his son being independent for a very long time, if at all.

It's really a no-win situation. Tackling DP isn't working and you've lost all respect for him in the process. You could try tackling the DS more directly and ushering him out of the door into his own flat and benefits... but then you're the Wicked Stepmother. Placing an ultimatum on DP that it's you or DS ditto. Do nothing and you're stuck with Stinky and Perky.

When it's no-win and you can't please everyone, you might as well please yourself.

Yes that's it in a nutshell.

And what is it that you'd like? If you had a magic wand, how would tomorrow look?

I'd like both of them to respect my wish for him to take regular showers - sounds ridiculous doesn't it. I'd also like my DP to show more interest in his son, guide him, not allow him to carry on dossing and also for my DP to actually listen to what I need and want and act on that.

But assuming that your magic wand can't affect the free-will or the behaviour of others ...... what would tomorrow look like then?

Possibly a chance to be in a new relationship that works 100% of the time, i.e., one that doesn't leave me feeling angry, frustrated and ignored.

There you go then. Easier said than done, of course, but if you have an idea of where you'd like to be, you can start moving in that direction. I think the 'shape up or ship out' conversation is getting closer.

Jan, did you post something similar on another forum? Don't worry, I won't mention your username or anything on here. Your issue just seems remarkably similar to an issue someone was having on another forum that I post on.

I didn't post on that thread at all but read it and think the same as I thought for that which is: that unless there is something very wrong mentally with your stepson (which there doesn't appear to be) then you need to ask both DP and SS to move out. Expecting you to tolerate his not washing is unacceptable in itself to me but the effect that his father's attitude is having on you and your relationship makes me convinced that nothing is going to change and you'd be better off alone or at least living apart and still seeing each other. It's just not working is it?

Yes on a step mum forum a while ago.

Nothing mentally wrong no. I am contemplating asking him to go, it's just hard, I still love him and have invested 100% into the relationship for the last 11 years+. It seems so trivial on the surface but it doesn't feel like that to me. It will be the end of the relationship, I'm not interested in a g/f/b/f status, it's all or nothing for me.

If it were a 'normal' 18 year old, who's looking for work, looking to move out in the near future - it might be possible to put up with him in the short term. But it's very clear these two come as a package - BOGOF - and given the boy's lack of skills & father's guidance - it looks like the set up is long term, possibly for life...

The non-washing is more a symptom of a much deeper problem rather than the cause... if he were hard-working & motivated but a bit smelly, the landscape would look very different.

He left school over 2 years ago and hasn't even secured a p/t job. He seems to relish in doing absolutely nothing. It just feels all wrong, myself and my DP both work, in fact DP works 60+ hours every week.

I'm concerned for the future, his lack of one and my having to suffer this until he's about 40 years old.