Have I been insensitive to dsis?

[CaptainPoop]

Hi

Today my dsis and I were talking about our DM still having frequent contact with our step father. He was/is abusive to all of us and dsis and I have cut him off. DM left him 2 years ago but has no plans to divorce and they see each other as friends regularly.

I was saying today how I can't help viewing her contact with him as some sort of gauge of how much she loves/respects us. He was truly a vile bully and I have a lot of anger towards DM for allowing him to hurt us for 20 years, and it hurts that she still wants to spend time with him.

Dsis doesn't like to think too deeply about it, and said so, preferring to put it from her mind. I explained that in order to truly learn self-respect (after being treated appallingly for years) I believed you had to look at your upbringing and acknowledge what your parents did, work through the feelings that arose from that and acknowledge that you didn't deserve it. without doing that I would still be minimising and normalising the abuse, which is at odds with possessing true self-respect.

She became upset, and said that I needed to phrase things differently as it seemed as if I were claiming she had no self-respect due to her decision not to work through things the way I do. I apologised for how I worded it, and said that was not my intention to judge her, that I was just talking about myself.

I had to leave to collect Ds from school, so I don't know if she's still upset. I have mild ASC and I'm not sure if I have said inappropriate things. I didn't say so but I believe she has little self-respect/esteem and I hit a nerve. To be honest she was right, I was saying that abused people need to look at the abuse full in the face and process it in order to heal and learn self-respect and break the cycle of abuse.

I'm upset that I hurt her today, but was what I said out of line? Was I right to apologise for what I said, or should I have stuck to my guns about the subject matter, and only apologised for hurting her feelings?

Some feedback would be really appreciated as it is hard to gauge if I'm being too black and white about things sometimes. I would love to learn when to keep things to myself as relationships would run much more smoothly!

I explained that in order to truly learn self-respect (after being treated appallingly for years) I believed you had to look at your upbringing and acknowledge what your parents did, work through the feelings that arose from that and acknowledge that you didn't deserve it. without doing that I would still be minimising and normalising the abuse, which is at odds with possessing true self-respect

I really think you have to accept that what you believe to be true is not what your sister believes to be true. Neither one of you is right; neither one of you is wrong.

Siblings can have very different accounts of their familial past. Your childhood was not hers, and vice versa.

If you insisted that your way of overcoming childhood abuse was the "true" way, no wonder she is upset.

Yes you were out of line. What you said wasn't wrong and I'm glad you've reached certain realisations that work for you. But it's a private realisation, your own way of coping, and I think it probably came across to your DSis as criticism of her way of coping. Lecturing even. It's rather like people who find a way to get their baby to sleep and then think that gives them the right to tell others that their child isn't sleeping because they are doing it all wrong. No-one likes being told how they should feel or behave, no matter how well-meant.

Yes you were out of line IMO. What you said was true for you and that's great but yes you were basically belittling your sister way of coping.

You can say "I've found it's really helped me to do xyz and I feel it's given me a great sense of self respect etc" but to suggest everyone who doesn't do the same is wrong is insensitive

It's tough. I would have said exactly the same thing as you, and would be winding myself into knots in the same way as you for exactly the same reason.

I think you know that your way isn't the only way. However, if you were thinking out loud to convince yourself of the truth of what you say, then I think you owe your DSis an apology - your healing process may have hurt her deeply, even though you wrapped it up in terms of caring advice. (And, no doubt, the irony of your DSis doing a better job than you may not be lost on you).

On the other hand, if you genuinely said what you said in order to speak your mind with a view to helping your sister, I don't think an apology is necessary. Do acknowledge the worry you have, and do reiterate that you meant her no harm, but also confirm that your intention was only to help her. If she doesn't want your help, ask her to tell you so, and take no umbrage. You would not have been wrong, and your DSis may well come to seek you advice down the line. A sibling relationship does not need an apology for this scenario in my view, the bond is far too strong.

I think you were out of line tbh. Everyone deals with situations differently. Hers isn't wrong it's just different to yours.
A family member totally forgave another family member for abuse whereas I would have nothing to do with him. Neither of us are wrong, just different ways of dealing with stuff.
I think you should apologise for upsetting her and say that wasn't your intention x

Thanks all.

Just to reiterate, i apologised for saying anything that hurt her, and for speaking in generalised terms that came across as a negative judgement of her and that I was referring only to myself.

I know that what works for me may not work for others, bit it can take a lot of other people telling me that sometimes!

I will apologise again to her.