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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How can I learn to trust him again?

8 replies

whilewildeisonmine · 25/09/2013 15:04

I'm really getting to the end of my tether on this. I'm trying to be more trusting but past events are proving harder to forget and although I think I have forgiven him I just can't get past the lies and deceit and humiliation and my inability to put the past behind us is causing more rows and im in an almost permanent state of paranoid mess.

He tells me to take a leap of faith and trust him but I'm finding it hard to believe a single word he says after so many lies. I feel like I'm almost waiting for it to start up again and I'm on the look out for any signs that point that way. I just can't get over it and its driving me mad.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/09/2013 15:19

It's not your job to trust him. It's his job to earn the trust with consistent, repeated, trustworthy behaviour. Even then, if you're not buying it, it's not your fault. Telling you to have a 'leap of faith' is not earning your trust, it's just saying 'brush it under the carpet.. move on... forget it... ' Patronising crap.

FWIW it's quite possible to forgive someone but never trust them again. I have someone like that in my extended family. I know he's a liar but as his lies don't affect me or anyone close to me, I can easily forgive him. I wouldn't trust him if he said today's Wednesday, however.

Don't waste your life with a man you can't trust.

Vivacia · 25/09/2013 15:26

I agree 100% with Cogito. It's his job to earn your trust not for you to take a "leap of faith".

FetchezLaVache · 25/09/2013 15:28

I don't know your back story, but just re-read your OP. It's all coming down to you- you trying to forgive him and get past all the crap, you finding it hard to believe a single word. What's HE doing to restore your trust, other than telling you to?

TalkativeJim · 25/09/2013 15:30

'The lies, the deceit, the humiliation...'

Right, so this guy has proven himself to be completely UNtrustworthy time and time again. Yes?

So common sense tells you (and indeed anyone with more than half a brain cell) that to trust him would be a bloody stupid thing to do.

So you don't.

That's it I'm afraid. There's nothing you can actually really DO about it! You aren't MAKING yourself distrust him. You can't simply CHOOSE to feel inside that he is trustworthy. It just IS. Is he trustworthy? Based on everything you know, no. He's not.

If it changes, it will do so over a long time. Because to genuinely trust him again your brain would have to say 'Yes, I really do think, based on many instances of him proving that he has changed, that he is now an honest person.'

You could pretend to trust him, of course. That's essentially what he's asking, with the rather manipulative 'leap of faith' bullshit. It's essentially saying - 'Yes, I fucked up, but I'd rather not have to be the one to live with the consequences, because it's inconvenient and feels bad. Hey, I know, why don't YOU get to be the one who feels bad? Yes you - the one who didn't do anything wrong. We'll just carry on as if I'm perfect, with me getting to not have to reassure you and prove myself and maybe give up things I enjoy and maybe still have the opportunity to fuck around , and you get to live on your nerves, worrying that you're being taken for a ride, worrying over what I'm doing, waiting for the axe to fall. Because that's easier for me, and I'm the most important one. More important than you, anyway.'

Your 'inability to put the past behind us' is also known as not being born yesterday.

His nagging and sulking is a better sign than anything else that not only has this waster not changed, but that he's too lazy and entitled to even bother to want to make it up to you.

I'd give him the boot, myself.

worsestershiresauce · 25/09/2013 16:05

Trust has to be earned. If the person who breached your trust isn't falling over themselves to make you feel comfortable, and safe, and able to trust them again, then I'd argue that they aren't really sorry, and probably aren't really trustworthy. If he messed things up, he needs to do the work to win you back.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/09/2013 16:22

" I just can't get over it and its driving me mad."

I'm repeating a point made earlier but the reason we have evolved with a concept like 'trust' is that it is a self-preservation thing. We rely on each other to survive and we have to learn from experience who to trust and who not to trust. If we don't learn from the experience and keep taking 'leaps of faith' we're either fools or dead.

Of course you're on the lookout for more signs that he's a liar - and, don't worry, you'll find them. Life is FAR too short to live like that.

str8tothepoint · 25/09/2013 17:16

leave him, easy

feelingvunerable · 25/09/2013 17:34

I agree with everything that's already been said.

He has to earn your trust.
It isn't compulsory to trust someone either, you do have the right to leave and/or tell him to leave.

Do what feels right for YOU.

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