help me to deal with my mother!

[schooldays]

I have had an issue with my mother since forever. She is a very upsanding member of the community etc etc and thinks she is some type of saint. She is a complete snob and nothing i have ever done is good enough. In fact i think she is appauled by me having a child in my early twenties and now i have recently seperated she is not a happy camper. BUT she doesnt overtly tell me that she is disappointed. In fact i think she does love me but anway this is my problem. SHE WONT STOP CALLING TO SEE ME!!!!!! She calls in un-announced whenever she feels like it. She loves a good chat so she starts these monologues of pure sh*te that bore me to tears. I have asked her twice now to let me know when she is thinking of calling so i can organise myself. She minds my dc's sometimes but althoug i have asked she refuses to comitt to a particular morning or whatever so i know what my week might look like. She basically wants to pop in and out as she wants with no thought of my life. THis particularly upsets me when i get a morning to myself with dc;s in nursery and in she comes asking personal questions and generally making my blood boil.

Also she talks about me behind my back all the time - although i ask her not to tell people w,y and z she will invariably tell people my personal business (what she observes when shes here to things i tell her in confidence - in a weak moment.)

So what to do - i am too cowardly and lacking in confidence to literally tell her to go away and i can see from her point of view that she thinks she is just calling in to see her daughter and granchildren and whats wrong with that and why am i such a cow of a daughter that i dont want to see her etc etc.

Please advise this is really really making me upset. I need space now as im not in the best of form and i have always been a very private person who likes their own space and thinking time.......

What to do... When you're faced with a bully, you stand up to them. It takes courage and confidence and it's very difficult when you're taking about a parent, but it's the only way to deal with it. 'Go away mother, I've asked you to call first and it's not convenient.'... 'stop asking me personal questions'... and you have to really mean it. Obviously you don't tell her anything confidential... she's blown that one.

There's a point where you have to embrace being 'a cow' or your life will be hell. Good luck!!!

A tale... When my DM and DF first married they set up home in the next street to my GPs and also gave them a key. (Do I hear palms hitting foreheads?) After just six months my DM threatened my DF with divorce if they didn't move house. Is relocating an option for you?

I can literally not imagine those words coming out of my mouth- i am a complete coward - i shake at the thoughts of standing up to her.

we have practically nothing in common so theres really no middle ground. she only speaks to people she deems worthy - i would speak to the dog on the street and i enjoy interacting with different people - the only person i cannot have a mature and relaxed conversation with is her.

she clearly prefers my sis who she never stops talking about and although i love my sis - haveing to hear about her all the time has made me start to dispise her.

she is bored and i am the only family who live near her so she takes complete advantage of that......

oh i so wish relocating would be an option - at a push i could move about 5 miles away and maybe that would be enough of a barrier. it is a thought. where i live now is in an estate so i feel wide open. i dream of having a big wall and electric gates and some privacy.

Hi schooldays. This must be very hard for you. I just want you to know that having read your thread I think that you have made the fist steps in trying to sort this problem out by posting on here. Mother/daughter relationships are at times impossible. I'm sure that many on here will say that this is so.
Today I hate my mother and it is making me very angry. She has constantly interfered in my life and that of my dd's. She is an interfering cowardly backstabbing B@%. And I don't want to see her ever again...however...she is my mother, I can't honestly say that I love her.
But what I do know is that I am nothing like her. I know that there is no point in trying to talk to her to make her see how she hurts me...it just is a waist of time.
Yes you need space now...so lock yourself away. Do you have a good friend to air your thoughts...someone you can scream and shout to.
Perhaps you could just let your mother know that you need a bit of me time...and get her to call before she visits. If you can't talk to her then you must take time for yourself...I'd refuse to answer the door...as hard as it seems. x

I really do suggest practicing some 'go away' sentences and then trying them out. I know it's daunting but, the way you describe the alternative, it's like you're a hostage in your own home. The first time you stand up to her it'll be terrifying and you might need a shot of scotch to calm your nerves. But keep doing it and you'll find it easier.

I'm sure she is bored if she's imposing herself on you. She may be an upstanding member of the community but nobody likes her enough to have her round for coffee do they? She has no friends.

I understand the feeling of shaking at the thought of standing up to your mother, but try to realise that you are a woman grown, with DC of your own. You are no longer a small child in her thrall.

Mentally, that is still how you feel. But you CAN and SHOULD change that dynamic, so that you relate to her adult to adult.

She won't like it one bit, mind. But you are always within your rights to state what you are, and are not, comfortable with, and to enforce those boundaries.

Good luck! It'll take time and practice before it begins to feel natural to defend yourself, your space and your time from your mother.

She minds my dc's sometimes but althoug i have asked she refuses to comitt to a particular morning or whatever so i know what my week might look like. She basically wants to pop in and out as she wants with no thought of my life. THis particularly upsets me when i get a morning to myself with dc;s in nursery and in she comes asking personal questions and generally making my blood boil.

1, Don't let her mind your children unless it's arranged in advance. If she turns up wanting to look after them tell her you have plans and she should have arranged it in before hand. (have a few plans on reserve that you can bring out on a moments notice)

2, When you get back from dropping your dc at nursery make sure that you have closed your nets or whatever so she can't see in and pretend to not be in. Just ignore the knocking. If she asks later where you were tell her you went for a walk and she really should call first to avoid wasting her own time.

Sometimes actions really are better than words.

It's hard to say 'go away' to someone's face.

Instead, try saying, 'Sorry mum, it's not a good time. I'm just going out.'

Then go out, even if it's just to the shops.

Surely a few wasted journeys will break the habit.

Moving might be yor best option long term, but in the mean time, don't tell her anything personal you need kept confidential. Just say " there's nothing to tell.."

Can you leave her in the kitchen whilst you do things? My mil tried this They came round, sat at the table and looked all expectant. I said " oh, i didnt know you planned a visit- I'm clearing out the laundry cupboard, so if you want anything, help yourself" and went upstairs. Her first words were " oh, you look awful, you should go to bed earlier"

Its really annoying and I won't sit there chatting if I'm busy and its not planned. Dh was but if you start downing tools as though the queens popped by, it will never end.

Oh, and dh, unbeknowst to me, gave her a key to the electric gates. Disaster. She burst in and I was ironing in my underwear! She was all " hahaha, you aren't dressed" and just stood there!

Dh and I are in discussion about how to get it back. What was he thinking!

I don't think the OP should be chased out of her home. 'You'll have to come back another time, I have plans'.... even if the plans are only daytime telly and a biscuit.

what is so frustrating is that i have a few months back sat down with her and told her that i need my space at the momen. i am a sahm mum for the first time in my life and that i need to get into a routine and that im not actally as flexible as i appear and that i dont like people calling to me without prior notice. I told her that i am sick of all the questions about my dc's like are they eating, are they happy, have i brought them out in the fresh air today etc etc. This nearly killed me to get it out but i did it and i felt so proud of myself.

she ignored this so i told her again by textssss (it went on for hours over and back) and then i called a few days late and she was crying and locked herself in the bathroom. so i just left. she followed me out to the car then and asked was i not goin to say goodbye and i told her that i said what i had to say and sorry if she couldnt accept it but i have to look after my own mental health.

this worked fine for a while and she basically didnt call but of course it didnt last. recently my dh and i seperated so i told her and naturally she has used this now to revert back to her old behaviour of calling in and twenty questions and generally telling me really boring stories about her golf games and who shes had lunch with etc. she actually has loads of friends and does have a full life but she seems incapable of staying in her own house in between acitvities.

they way i would describe her conversation is the type you would have with someone on a long car journey or over a meal - you know when you have lots of time to talk and listen to nonsence NOT when your daughter is trying to look after her dc's or clean the house or sit down and relax while dc's are gone etc.

i have often ignored her when she rings the bell (i always have the doors locked). on one occasion she went straight home and stated ringing me to see if i was ok!!!!!!!! another time she just called back later without mentioning that she had already called earlier. or its i called earlier where were you! or if im goin somewhere its "whats happening, where are you going" i have lied more times to her as if i am goin somewhere its to my counselling which i do not want her to know about.

if i am downstairs and she calls i have to anwer or she will look in the windows and go to the back door............. this is ridiculous i know. but how do you get across to her as i have tried everyting else that YOU ARE DOING MY HEAD IN, YOUR STORIES ARE BORING, YOU ARE VERY PATRONISING AND EVEN INSULTING, I CANT TELL YOU ANYTHING BECUASE I KNOW IT IS REPEATED TO EVERYONE AND ANYONE, YOU BASICALLY RAISE MY BLOOD PRESSURE EVERYTIME I AS MUCH AS SEE YOUR CAR.

she obviously thinks my life is a car crash so why can she not just leave me to it??????? why keep tormenting me under the guise of im so worried about you.

Because she's bored, lonely, she thinks she has to be 'mother' and do the right thing but she can't pull off 'compassion' and it comes across as 'condescension'. How am I doing?

what is so frustrating is that i have a few months back sat down with her and told her that i need my space at the momen.... how do you get across to her as i have tried everyting else

Look, the answer is you can't across to her, so stop trying. She's not going to change her behaviour just because you asked her to. She's not going to change, full stop. So all you can do, is change your behaviour:

• cease answering when she asks you intrusive questions about the DC and yourself. Say "oh, everything's fine" and change the topic.
• cease opening the door when it isn't pre-arranged contact
• Cease getting het up whenshe keeps up to her old tricks: she's not changing.

Good luck. Glad to hear you're in counselling.

You may also want to take a look at the "Stately Homes" thread here.

yes she has absolutely no compassion whatsoever thats a good point. but she needs to be seen to be a briliant mother - so people can say im lucky to have her!!

my siblings who live away only phone her once a week or so and they have no patience for her and so its like she loves teling them about me - you know loves the drama - so she has something to talk about. hard to desribe really..

my father is sadly dead and i am so much more like him than her thank god - but she loves her widow title - thives on it - its like bein a widow has elevated her somehow - she is so weird honestly.

its the lies aswell that would send you over the edge. id say mam keep x to yourself (ie H moving out) il tell people when im ready. then she would say next day i was talking to your brother. i would say "and you didnt say anything did you" her "no" and next thing a txt from my sis to ask will i leave your H out of kris kindle this year. Me WTF.......the stupid biddy ran straight home and told everyone......

I had this a bit with my DM - though no where near as bad as we were too far away for pop in visits - it was phone call...after phonecall after phone call. Did my head in and made me feel like I was being stalked shudder.

I turned it around in the end. I took charge. At the end of one call I said, OK, I will phone you tomorrow - when is convenient? SHe said anytime. I said I would call at lunchtime - and I called just a bit earlier than she was expecting. And I kept doing it. I mentally and sometimes in reality, blocked out the time in my day to talk to her. Or occasionally I would say - I am really busy the next few days so shall we talk on Xday (ie 3 days hence). When I did talk on the phone I actively listened (and because I had committed the time to her it was less irritating and dull IYSWIM). Slowly I go the control back. SHe was worried about being left out - so instead pushed herself in. When I showed her she was still going to be part of my life she realxed. We now havea much, much better balance. If I am ill she may call daily - but if not it is now once/twice a week. SHe is far more relaxed if I have to say "Got to go, busy" Before she would go all huffy.

She gets time from you. She visits. She has someone to listen (even if it is too dull to actually listen properly). She gets attention. She is in control. She is not thinking about you at all. She is trying to help/lonely/bored/scared of losing you - whatever.

Just gradually and gently take control. Invite her round - at a specific time. Arrange to meet for coffee. Go to hers. Take the initiative each time. If she comes round and it is not convenient say "Sorry Mum, I simply have to get on with some jobs - how about we catch up XXXX - coffee at yours or mine". Try and do it out of your house as much as possible - so You can leave. If she pops round uninvited answer the door in your coat "I am just going out". Or with a loo brush in your hand (buy a new cheapy one just for the purpose of waving it in her face ) - and say "Am up to my next in cleaning - would be lovely if you could give me a hand".
And, when you do have agreed, planned get togethers really try to engage with her. She will then (hopefully) learn that the uninvited ones are distracted and unsatisfying (with loo brushes) and the agreed ones are more rewarding.

If you struggle with confrontation this softly, softly approach may help.

Good luck

Hmmmm - just x-posted really - my DM nowhere near as bad as this - she kept bugging my but not some of the other stuff. Do you actually want a relationship with her at all?

A person can only 'come in' as far as you let them. You don't have to stand back and let her in if she arrives unannounced. You can chat on the doorstep but your whole body language says 'not coming in'. Can't stop now mum, got a lot to do. Call me & we'll arrange a time... You can decide not to tell her anything about your life, feelings, etc - just factual stuff about DCs school trip, etc. Imagine a wall around yourself that she's not allowed past. If she takes offence and sulks - leave her to it. If she respected your boundaries you'd be able to relax around her - but she doesn't, so you can't.

Schooldays
I’m sorry but I am laughing my head off. I can see where your coming from and your mums side at the same time. I also have issues with my mother but the opposite. She Never comes to visit me and I always have to go to hers. On the other end of the scale though I also sympathise with your mother.
This is why.
Take it from me if she is coming around she loves you very much. Because as you say you have split with your partner. She automatically has gone into don’t worry mums here to take care of you mode. I know I do it with my child. Its not because she wants you to feel inferior in fact its totally the opposite she wants you to know you have her in your corner. By being physically in your life. That’s the only way she thinks she can protect you and the hurt feelings she knows deep down you are feeling over the bust up.
Furthermore, she is proud of you and is telling people about you in the hopes she can find alternatives advice to help you. As you say you have told her not to interfere so she is flummoxed by what she can do for you. As being there is not what you want.
But to alleviate her mind that you are OK she calls instead and this angers you more.
Think about your own child and put yourself in your mums place. How would you feel if your child said what you have just said. You’d understand but be confused as to what to do next. Would you ask others for advice? (think carefully and think about what you just did on this webpage) – Laugh. Can you see the joke now?
As for the “bullying” part. Let her know gently how you would like her support and help. Let her into your life say things like “I’ll ring you once a week and we will have a chat.” Or I will visit you or you visit me on so and so days. That way she will know where her boundaries lay. And I assure you this will work for your and for her give her a hug. She needs reassurance that her Baby (you) will get through this. We spend so much of our lives bringing our children up but we forget that under our guidance they become independent enough to look after themselves.
Another thing – Age. As I say I know how you feel from both sides. The older you get the more you want to see your offspring and grandkids it’s a kinda I may not be around for much longer deal and you suddenly realise you have a finite ending in sight. So she will start to turn the tables on you as she does not want you to make the mistakes she did she wants better for you. You are her pride and joy don’t forget that. Its just her upbringing that she cannot express it the way you would like.
On the other hand. I myself let my child have too much freedom. I respected their wishes when they said do not come around. I waited for their calls to say “How am I”, and last year I had to deal with them trying to commit sucide because they thought I did not care enough and they could not speak to me. So please be aware. All this is probably what your mum is thinking and feeling.
So be firm and have a cup of tea and tell her about your day your way. But also let her know that if they want you will send the grandkids to her every so often for a weekend and let her feel she is needed. But on your terms. She will respect you. Better still show her this blog and then you two can discuss it.

How do you get on with your siblings these days?. Can you talk to any of them about your toxic mother?. They know all too well what she is like. Being the last one local as they've all left (because of her undoubtedly) is hard as well on you.

A problem you have as well is that you've been conditioned by such a person to have no boundaries whatsoever when it comes to her so its very hard now to start enforcing any sort of boundary now.

I hope counselling is proving helpful. Another suggestion would be to post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages. Think a lot of women on there have a mother like yours.

Don't show her this thread!

Seriously, it will be a stick to beat you with!

Deepest sympathy - I moved 100 miles to get away from my mother, she still made life extremely difficult for me and my life improved immensely when she died. It took me a while to get past the guilt of realising this.

I have no advice, I didn't find anything that kept her from trying to force me to conform to her will. The thing that helped me best was seeing her as a person instead of your mother. Think how you would react if a stranger said the things she said or did the things she did. See her as 'not mum' but perhaps 'person I owe duty of care to'. That was the thing that kept me sane.

I wish you luck.

confused

I doubt very much that OPs mother has any concept whatsoever of boundaries. Any boundaries that OP desperately tries to set are routinely ignored.

I would also state that your mother has no idea of what love actually is if she is a narcissist in terms of personality. This is the sort of boundary overstepping such people do with aplomb.

Trying to reason with such a person is about as effective as spitting in the ocean.

Do not under any circs show her this thread either!!!.

thank you for all the advice. its great.

im sure she loves me deep down and im sure she is worred. im also sure she is agog wih the idea that i can carry on my life without a man so i tink that has her in overdrive completely - she may even think im mentally ill (im not joking!)

i wont show her this thread. she would take to the bed for a week and the contents would be shared with all my relations!!

she has no boundaries thats true - she would walk up to my room in the past and lie on the bed beside me if i was resting, or watch me getting dressed - weird.....

she would never ever take the dc's for a weekend. she doesnt care about me that much - which says alot really.

if it were my dd i would listen without judging (def wouldnt say its al her fault), i would be confidential, i would respect her wishes about arranging times to call, i would maybe cook her the odd dinner, ask if she needs some groceries, take her dc's over night to let her try and rest or rebuild her life, i wouldnt gossip about her to the neighbours.

oh its so upsetting - i am actually more upset about this than my h leaving - how mad is that???? and no at the moment i dont want a relationship wit her. funny that i ended up maried to a man who didnt respect my boundaries, lied to my face, thought i was an idiot etc etc - any wonder they got on so well

Confused, I can't tell you how little effect that advice will have on a situation like this, sorry.