Should I Prompt DF to Remember DDs Birthday ??

[Rockinhippy]

This is likely to be long & complicated & not wanting to drip feed but its likely to be impossible without writing a novel. So excuse this if its short & sweet with little back ground.

DDs birthday coming up - she will be 11 - my family are pretty toxic, lots if issues with my sadly now deceased DM - though health problems at play there too & peace made before she died - I always previously believed my DM to be the main source of the bitterness towards myself, often leaving us ostracised for months, sometimes years on end -

it's come to light since her passing that my DB is as toxic as it gets, bordering on sociopathic & has for a large part I now suspect has been responsible for a lot of the bad feeling towards me - he was DMs golden child, so all a but beyond me as to why to be honest but from his recent outbursts & trying to follow DD & I around the Internet to prove that " she's as bad as her mother" "DSIS is a weirdo & doesn't deserve DCs) etc etc - all complete childish nonsense .

After DMs passing I threw myself into supporting DF & DB - who at the time was being very charming & laying the blame for him not speaking to us for years as him being too weak to stand up to DM & avoiding stress - all of which I let go due to the circumstances.

During the few months I was spending more time with them there were several occasions of DF blowing up & accusing me of all sorts of ridiculous stuff - now with hindsight after DBs extremely toxic & manipulative outbursts, I can see he w the most likely source if this too.

I was accused if something I didn't do - stupid Facebook status update of mine was reported back to my DF as something completely untrue & twisted by DB to make me look very bad. - sickenly I believe DBs motives to be financial - - he's even lied to DF that I am minted but I'm in the awful situation of living a long way away & know that both DB & DF need each other right now, but also DF is very vulnerable - he has never believed the lies from DB & DM in the past & is the only one who didn't cut me out - though sometimes long periods of no contact due to him also not wanting to upset DM, not saying he is blameless, but nothing like as bad.

DF has recently cut me off & no contact for a few weeks now - as a result of what he was told by DB he text me that we "are dead to him. & that DM was right not to like me" etc & bar an answer to one direct question about family history for DDs school project, he has ignored all attempts at contact from me - I was also accused of "taking from him" which is as untrue as it gets -

I was offered a TV that was my DMs - I agreed to take it as DF is throwing everything of DMs out & I liked the idea of sitting watching a TV that DM had enjoyed - a sort of a connection IYSWIM - DB didn't want the TV - I certainly don't need nor actually want another TV, but didn't like the idea of something mum was so connected to going to the tip - DFs nasty ranting text accused my of being out for what I could get & that I wouldn't be getting any TVs from him.

I'm pretty certain my DB has tried to hack into my accounts - got text message alerts several times - ironically every time I have tried to rekindle contact with DF - I get these texts - couldn't work out why to begin with but have since realised that he probably thinks hacking into one will allow access to others & there is a whole diatribe of incriminating stuff he has written in private face book messages - ie boasting about how DF believes he's given up drugs - whilst going on about growing his own in the next sentence - etc etc etc.

I'm gutted that DD is going to miss out, despite her faults my DM never forget birthdays & was always generous to DD, me too for that matter - but more importantly, DD has lost the DGM that though we has a difficult relationship she loved dearly & my DMs last weeks were very much promises of a fresh start - though sadly not to be as after getting better against all odds, she died of a hospital acquired infection.

I want to prompt my DF that its DDs birthday very soon, but I'm afraid that will be misconstrued as my trying to take from him again - as thats seems to be DBs take on it - ironic really as that it as he admitted his purpose in this mess - but even just a card acknowledging her birthday would be enough.

I'm really torn on what to do for the best :(

WWYD ??

I wouldn't bother. You DD is 11 and I'm sure that her birthday will not be spoiled by the absence of a card from her grandfather.

Your DD needs positive role models, not toxic family members.

If they are too toxic or difficult for you to deal with then they are certainly too toxic for your vulnerable and defenceless child.

You do not need your Dad's approval because he will never give it, nor do you have to keep going back in the forlorn hope that this time things will be different. Gifts too can be used by such people as a further means of controlling them. Why did you agree to take the tv at all?. I can see why you wanted some connection albeit a small one with your late mother but again I would never have wanted any material item from these people to start with. It was never going to be given freely or without some condition attached to it.

What really is your DD going to miss out on if she does not have a relationship with any of these people?. They all frankly sound vile as well as toxic and your Dad enabled his late wife's behaviour. He is part of the problem as well with regards to your brother, they also played a role here in why your brother is what he is. Narcissistic women always but always need a willing and weak willed enabler to help them and your Dad fitted the bill. I would not let him off the hook either, he has played a large role too in his family unit's dysfunction. He has acted like many such men as a bystander who acted primarily out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. He failed too as a parent.

As for your brother I would ignore him. He is simply not worth it and is likely to be narcissistic in terms of personality as well (he reminds me of my BIL in some ways). Your role here in this family is one of scapegoat for all their inherent ills.

What sort of accounts have had hacking attempts?.

I would also suggest taking yourself off Facebook altogether so he has no means of getting to you that way either. You do not need Facebook really. If you really cannot face doing that, then increase your privacy settings to their absolute maximum.

Your Dad has had nearly 11 years to know that it is his granddaughter's birthday soon, if he cannot be bothered to send a card then that is his lookout. I would not be reminding him particularly after that hurtful text he sent saying that you are basically dead to him.

Block your brother on FB or get off the site.

He sounds completely toxic. If you live miles away your influence is very limited. Your brother wants the family money.

I think you need to look after yourself and your own family. It's sad but I think DF and DB have little to offer you.

Don't prompt your father, it's his choice to miss out. Though very sad for your daughter x

'Banging your head against a brick wall' springs to mind. I agree with the others, that you're on a hiding to nowhere, except more hurt, nastiness and rejection. And yes, get off Facebook - the damn things seems to cause so much aggro! Concentrate on your child, you'll make up for the lack of a birthday card. Your brother and, sadly, your father sound utterly toxic. You and your close family don't need that.

Thanks for the replies - & yes,you are all right, but having just lost my DM it's all a lot easier said than done :( - though as pointed out we are a long way away so influence is limited - I realised I was doing too much, spending too much time there for their sake & making us both (DD& I) more vulnerable to the toxicity, so in a way this was a wake up call as I was initially lulled into a false sense of security that things could be different - nice pie dream, but just not reality :(

DB was blocked immediately on Facebook - as was DF as DB accesses his account regularly & is very computer savvy in a bad way - I'm certain it is him that has been trying to hack into my google account to access the Facebook bile he ranted at me & owned up to a LOT of devious nasty behaviour which he gloated helped turn DM against me & DD & he would do the same with DF as he's cleverer than him too He will always be my baby brother, but I just cannot risk having someone that toxic in our lives, not now he has really shown his true colours & gloats over things like being more mathematically clever than a DC - he considers himself a maths genius as he can add up quicker than a calculator - he was visibly angry & way too desperate to prove DD wrong when she could beat him with maths problems when we were their - sad, but pretty f'ked up to put it mildly :(

DF surprised me by remembering DDs birthday himself - years of DM telling me it was her who remembered not him & that he wasn't capable, even though due to her health issues it was DF who organised cards etc - had obviously sank in, but was wrong - though a child got half what she would get from them both when DM was alive - fine, apart from adult DB being given double for his recent birthday as he would be missing DM so much - but amounts don't matter, it's the thought that counts

Though despite my texting to say it had arrived safely & thank you in the morning - I had the DF who hadn't spoken to any of us for a couple of months - sending me angry texts at 7pm because DD was so bad mannered not to have rang to say thank you - she had every intention of doing do, but we had taken her & a group of her friends straight from school on a camping trip - so juggling larger than normal group of over excited kids & getting there & tents set up before dark hadn't given us time to think about politeness - intention was to ring when set up - which she did - no apology for the very wrong assumption that my DD has been brought up to be bad mannered though

There, not their - apologies for typos - I need to try & sort out my autocorrect - driving me nuts