Letting stored embryos go after relationship break up

[TortillasAndChocolate]

Not sure where to post this but needed to get it off my chest.

Short story - with ex-p for 6 years, had ivf after lots of problems conceiving. Gorgeous DS was born and we stored remaining 4 embryos.

Ex-p became EA, then had 2 affairs and left me for the second OW a couple of weeks after I'd had life saving surgery when our son was a year old.

It's now time to decide what to do with our stored embryos for the upcoming year. Ie. pay for another years storage or have them destroyed, or donate then. Obviously it would be crazy to want another baby with him. I know the best thing is to let them go, and I will. But just wanted to post as its absolutely breaking my heart. Those potential babies not being there anymore. They might have been my only chance for another baby -unless I meet someone else who is willing to go through ivf treatment.

I'm so grateful to have a healthy amazing son. It's just sending this form off is reminding me of what I thought I had and what I lost, and what I'll never have now.

Anyway, feeling sorry for myself I guess. But just not dealing with this very well. Feels like a setback and something else I have no control over. I'm sure I'll bounce back - we always do!

Oh, that would be difficult. Sorry you are in this position. Take care.

You poor thing, I'm so sorry you face having to make such a heartbreaking decision.

Other wiser people will be along but for now, I can only suggest you do what you are doing: give this some real thought and don't sign the form before you are totally certain of your decision and reconciled with whatever that decision is. How much time do you have before you have to make the decision: can you defer payment while you decide?

Also, does your ExP have any legal say in what happens to them? I don't know the legalities of storing embryos.

You are blessed with a gorgeous son who is healthy and a joy. I understand to an extent, your pain at the loss of what might have been - I have one ds and would have dearly loved another or possibly two children but my ExH disappeared abroad and I am too old now. But I love my son so much and he has ALL of me and I can concentrate on giving him everything I possibly can. There are lots of wonderful things about having only one child.

Break-ups always mean losing much more than just one person. Extended families, mutual friends... lots of unforeseen and unintended consequences. In your case the potential children were already in existence but many of us have experienced break-up at thirty-something, childless, and the ex effectively takes away our potential children as well. It's very upsetting and disorientating when life takes a 90 degree turn and the future you thought was so certain is now a big vague unknown with a sign saying 'Here Be Dragons'... but, as you say, you have your DS and you have your self-respect. That's something to hold onto.

This is such a sad situation, I have embryos in storage and face the difficult decision every year about what to do with them - and I am happily married to their father, so I can't imagine how painful this must be.

My understanding is that IVF embryo transfer can't go ahead without the consent of both genetic parents - there was a famous court case where the couple split up, the male partner went into a new relationship and refused consent to his previous partner when she wanted to use their embryos to get pregnant. The embryos were then destroyed.

If I were you I think I would try to come to terms with the idea that, for a number of reasons, these embryos will never be available for embryo transfer. Whether you feel you need another year to come to terms with this only you can decide. My heart goes out to you though.

Thank you for your lovely replies. Amazing how words from strangers can give you some strength.

There are lots of benefits to having just one, and I need to remember that - and of course that some people would love just one.

I know I will end up feeling fine about this. Even if my ex did consent to me using them, I don't think it would be the right thing to do. I'm 32 so potentially I may still meet someone else and possibly have another child with them.

The other thing is, there is no guarantee those embryos would even turn into another pregnancy. I was so lucky last time.

Anyway, thank you - your posts have made me feel a lot better. This is just the last thing to let go of really. I'm over my ex in many many ways but every now and again I still feel so sad for how it's turned out - even though I wouldn't want to go back now at all and I'm very happy generally. I guess nothing is that black and white.