guilty of incest or victim of abuse

[kitkatkerry]

At 9 my aunt and teenage cousin (15) came to stay for a few months and he started to touch me and my schoolfriend. Aware it was wrong and a secret, never told anyone and not overly scarred by this part of the story. They went home and didn't really think about it again until he came to live with us 3 years later for work and he kissed me one day. Shocked, but flattered - thought he was wonderful and besotted and relationship developed. Became uncomfortable as got older and things became much darker - he refused to stop or leave our home, said he would kill himself if I told anyone, no-one would believe me etc. Became a difficult teenager by smoking, drinking, not coming home and feeling suicidal - he was often sent to collect me from wherever I was and basically felt no way out.

Left home at 17 and had a few rocky years as felt dirty, then had some therapy and met DH who helped me make sense of everything. I always felt equally responsible as I didn't say no straight away, was flattered initially and didn't tell anyone but DH and therapist have said this is abuse and not my fault.

Thought I had come to terms with everything but when we decided to marry could not cope with him being at my wedding, but as close family this became difficult to justify. I therefore told my parents who were not supportive and blamed me entirely.

Now I am a mother, I sometimes feel they let me down by allowing the situation to occur in the first place by trusting someone with children that they shouldn't have and by being so rejecting when eventually I came to them. I think some of this was shock and distress and by blaming me maybe they were trying not to blame themselves and we are close now, but never discuss it. I still wonder if they see me as equally guilty, as they still talk to him, but this is possibly to keep up appearances for the wider family.

I know I was a stupid little girl and should have run screaming when he first came near me, but looking at children I know of similar age now, how easily influenced they can be, and innocent, I can't help feeling more of a victim than a player.

Just looking for an opinion as to whether people do view abuse as something which can happen to a child/young teenager who is initially flattered and cooperative or not.

Of course. It is 100% abuse.

You were 9. No discussion, you were a victim. At 15 you were still legally a child. Have you told anyone in authority?

Oh course it's still abuse you poor thing! I feel for you getting guilt and stuff all mixed up in your head from the people closest to you have reacted.

You were a child, a vulnerable young child who was not capable of making decisions or taking responsibility for an adults actions towards you. It's ok that the attention felt good initially, you had been primed for it by his abuse earlier and also it's natural to be flattered by attention - it does NOT make it your fault or even that you consented, you couldn't consent, you were too young to.

As for your parents, I'm afraid to say, they are cowards. It's easier to blame an innocent child than take any blame for themselves. They'd rather blame the victim than admit they didn't protect you when you needed it.

I think that when we have children, it can make us go back and reassess the way we were treated in the past. I know I became much more aware of my parents lack of care, as I compare some of the stuff that happened to me, and think how I'd react if it were my child it was happening to, and im shocked they could react that way. It makes us less able to excuse behaviour I guess, puts it into perspective.

I hope you can accept that it was never your fault OP.

No, no, no, you didn't cause it in any way. You poor girl :(

I think it's very likely that your parents prefer denial to messing up their mental image of their family. Yes, they have let you down. Any feelings of grief, anger, betrayal, loss, sadness or disgust toward them are perfectly rational. I'm delighted to hear you have a DH who gets it, and a therapist who does too.

It may reassure you to know that while sex between first cousins is unwelcome in our culture, it is not incest. Sex with a minor, however, is a crime.

• I should have clarified, although you surely know it - Everything that boy did to you was against the law. From sexual abuse of a young child, to harassment, assault, coercion and unlawful sex. He is a criminal. You aren't.

Just always feel a degree of responsibility as was in awe of him, rather than living in fear as so many are - makes me feel I allowed it

Thanks for all messages - never thought about under 16 being too young to consent before in relation to me. However he was 15 initially so was he therefore just a child too? I'm so confused

You were a child!

Do you know that nearly all people who've been raped or sexually assaulted, feel ashamed or guilty or that they "should" have done something differently? In fact, this happens with pretty much any violent crime - if you were mugged, you think you "should" have fought or not fought, "should" have got a taxi, da-dah-da-dah. An awful lot of victim-blaming goes on, too. (There are reasons for that: when other people can tell each other they wouldn't have done things the same way, they're telling themselves it couldn't happen to them.) Victim blaming, unfortunately, only feeds our sense of self blame/shame/negation.

It was not at all your fault. No matter how you felt about him, he was abusing you AND HE KNEW IT. Abuse is defined as the unfair exploitation of trust. That's what he did, isn't it?

I don't want to raise too many awkward thoughts, but a boy like that has probably grown into a man like that. When you feel able, would you consider telling the police? In case they've had other complaints about him.

Yes, a 15-year-old sexually molesting a 9-year-old would be prosecuted.

Sadly children can also be perpetrators, although they are frequently groomed themselves. It is a form of violence imo, not sex. It is about power and control, sex is just the means they use to gain that power. The shame becomes the perfect cover by which to continue the behaviour without getting caught.

Thank you garlicbaguette - your post makes so much sense. Never thought about victim blaming but it really explains so much of my parents' reactions and reactions of a few friends when I tried to mention things years ago. Ugly topics make people uncomfortable. have never been so open but have been dying to ask what people think for years but too scared of rejection. Beauty of the internet! Keep trying to put myself back into the mind of a child and trying to remind myself that I did not know then what I know now and forgive myself

Apologies for disjointed replies - new to this! Was so anxious that may get replies that were harsh and saw me as a Lolita figure, so thank you for being so understanding and taking so much time with your responses. Always felt guilty as cooperative, but your comments on inability to consent, victim blaming and the law have really helped. Feel such a weight has been lifted.

Doublelife I totally agree that only when we have our own children, do we assess our own childhood. I am in danger of being a very overprotective mother, so try and be as balanced as possible and make sure I always listen to anything that they try and say, as I remember being so close to saying something so often but was too scared that I would be in trouble. I have always told mine that there is nothing they can say or do that would ever stop me loving them etc and hope this will help them if anything troubles them.

The irony is that my parents were very loving and protective but never saw danger from the inside. I think the news mortified them and they felt betrayed themselves and didn't know how to handle it well, as there own initial distress was more powerful than their ability to be rational and supportive to me. I think they were also angry that I took so long to tell them and felt I didn't trust them and that I should/could have done. I don't think they understood how difficult it was for me as neither of them had any insight into abuse - it was something that happened to other families with strangers.

My mother did say something a few years later along the lines of "I hope you feel I was always there for you and I'm sorry if I ever let you down" - it was out of the blue and I was unprepared so although I did instinctively know what she was thinking about, I couldn't handle that conversation and brushed it away with "of course, you are wonderful etc", because apart from this one incident, they have been wonderful parents. I also chose to see it as a way of her apologising for the initial reaction. I don't like the fact they still talk to him as i know i couldn't, but I have had to learn that parents are not perfect and make the same mistakes as the rest of us, and I know they did the best that they could, so I have to forgive them. It's a tough way to learn a lesson, but I hope that by me experiencing it, it has made me a better mother than I would be otherwise and I expect my brothers and sister may be more on the ball themselves.

I have never been brave enough to do anything officially, but I have confronted him in the last few years, which helped me enormously.

I'm really sorry that you've been through that kitkat. You have got nothing to feel guilty about, you were a child, you were preyed upon and abused. I hope that you can let go of the feelings of self blame because you are not in any way, shape or form to blame for any of this.

You were really brave confronting him, I'm glad that it made you feel better. What did you say to him?

Hey..you were not being silly you were a child and being threatened to b killed etc is toò much for a little gal to take. Firstly well done for taking the biggest step by letting your parents know, unfortunately u didn't get the support needed then but I guess they were unsure of what to do.

Sadly these abusive behaviours happen to date and most young pple like to deal with it in their on way and usually has a negative impact on their lifes...I know cos I'm a fostered parent.

I'm happy it all turned out good for you cos u had the right counseling and lovingly at the end but can u imagine other children who are not as brave as u and spoke about it....
It makes you wonder be mindful of who comes to ur home and don't trust your children with just anyone and better still have a good ooen relationship with ur kids...
X x

It was abuse, you poor love.

Can I add something on the "Lolita" thing? I read an article recently that really resonated. I wish I could remember where and link it for you! It was in response to some bloody judge saying a 13 year old had chased the man prosecuted.

Basically, the author was saying that child protection laws were required also to protect a child from their own emotionally immaturity. He said we should recognise that sometimes a child (and please - focus on that word CHILD, you were a child) actually does actively chase, not just respond, but seek out. But that these children don't know what they're doing. Abusing a child should be prosecuted, because no matter what Lolita behaviour they do, the adult should not act on it.

Now, I don't think you were a Lolita at all. But if you assented in any way, it was still wrong for your cousin to do what he did.

Goodness - not only were you the victim of sexual abuse but also of emotional abuse. He blackmailed you with his suicide threats etc.

The very reason that sex with under 16s is illegal (IMO) is because children this age are not able to decide about informed consent. They are still coming to terms with very new and powerful emotions and feelings and therefore can easily, as you were, feel flattered by the attentions of someone older. It isn't BAD that you felt like that, it is natural, and why older people have a duty, moral, emotional and legal, to take responsibility. You were failed on all these counts.

Go into your stronger future with pride!

I am very pleased you have a supportive DH.

Kitkat there is a lot of help and support out there for you, people who are trained and know exactly what you have been through.

There are many on here too with experience and who have other insights and a less constrained approach to helping you.

I've got a lot of second hand knowledge and a bit of training on abuse but I won't advise any more as I know there are many on here and in other organisations better able to help you.

Thank you all so much. Your comments have all been very logical and comforting.