Dating a guy going through a divorce....

[Strugglingtocopejustnow]

Any advice? His divorce is looking like it could be sorted soon after a very messy and stressful time. I thought he'd be over the moon but he's gone all strange. Very introverted and uncommunicative.
Still says he loves me but needs space to work out where his heads at.
Is this a normal reaction? Anyone been through similar?
I'm not texting but waiting till he texts me, gone from loads of messages a day to 4-5 texts. Part of me wants to tell him to go but......

Take a massive step back from this. Get on with your life without him, be with friends and don't wait by the phone for a text. Dating is meant to be fun, light and make you feel better about yourself. Strange, uncommunicative introverts are crap dates. His divorce is not your problem.

I'd tell him to look me up when he's got his head sorted, on the understanding that you may no longer be interested.

In the real world, it's often not as simple as marriage-divorce-processing-single-new relationship. More people than don't start dating again before the ink is dry on their degree absolute. Unfortunately, a lot of people haven't even begun to deal with the fallout of their divorce, and the actual legal process can kick-start a whole series of emotions and thoughts that are in direct opposition to the possibility of having a new, healthy relationship. Personally I'd steer well clear of this one. It's a guarantee to get yourself hurt. Sorry.

It's hard as my life is pretty empty without him. Which is part of my issues I suppose.

Loneliness is a horrible thing. It drives people to stick with things that aren't right, make poor choices and bad decisions. 'Better the devil you know' is not the way to self-respect and happiness.

yes I think it it totally normal.
I was very very sad when my divorce came through even though I knew it was the right thing and I had no regrets at all.
I disagree with the advice given above.
Be supportive but let him have his space

You know yourself whether he is a good man and the love you have is real. Go with that rather than the divorce nearly sorted changes in him.

Doesn't help that I seem to have sailed through my divorce and can't understand what he finds hard.

You're dating. You're not his counsellor. So are you saying this distant behaviour is because he's annoyed that you're not 'sharing his pain'?

I think that's some of it , yes. I'll be going put this weekend because I can and he doesn't want to. But he will sulk about that.

Oh dear... regardless of what his marital/divorce status is, 'sulkers' are unpleasant people to be around. Glad you're going out. He doesn't sound like a keeper.

Don't be wasting your time with a sulker.

Especially not a miserable git who sulks because you are doing something nice for yourself that he doesn't want to do too.

He says he doesn't regret the divorce, but feels like he has given all his money , home and security away
And " it doesn't look like he thought it would "

Any one who talks like that about their divorce isn't over that relationship. It is perfectly normal to feel like that during the aftermath of a relationship breakdown or when the finances are being sorted out, but that's precisely why it's best left until after you've got over it before embarking on a new relationship. How can you be ready for a new relationship when you're still actively mourning the fallout from the last?

payhisdebt's situation is totally different - they key phrase being "I had no regrets at all". Your man clearly does.

You can have a relationship with him whilst he heals from the divorce (hard work and not the best start for your life intimately together) or you can give him space to sort out his individual issues. I would go for the second option - its less hard work for you and gives him motivation to just concentrate on your relationship later. You are not there to pick up the pieces after his divorce and should be having fun times together at the start of your relationship xx

The finances have just been sorted. That's what triggered this.
He really doesn't have regrets. We have had plenty of fun times, I just can't work it out.
Regardless, it's ridiculous for me to be stressing like this. Come give me a big slap:)

Hmm I think the whole divorce thing does give people a shock emotionally... My DP dumped me last week for a 'spiritual' yoga teacher.., but it's exactly 2 years to the day that he left EX W and she has been discussing divorce. I did wonder if the thought of one divorce leading to us becoming more 'official' has made him panic. He is certainly flapping about. We don't even live together and I've made it clear k would like to marry sometime in the future. Whenever. Maybe he's having some 'feeling a bit sorry for myself' time... Let him.. Least he's still
In touch. Was he around / helpful when you divorced?

my divorce coming through was a horrendous horrendous moment.

no doubts in the slightest about the divorce, that was a massive relief.

but with that relief almost made it worse. there was immense sadness that something I had entered into so with such optimism, hope and firmly good intentions had gone to shit. and gone to shit so awfully.

it's not you. he may not be ready for a new relationship. but seriously it may be nothing to do with that. he may just need Time to process

Don't take it personally, step away and get on with your life. Leave the door open if you like, but IME probably better to move on.

I got together with someone who was only just separated and supported him through his divorce. Did me no favours and fifteen years later we divorced.

I felt sorry for him and excused all sorts of unreasonable behaviour over the years. Even ten years into our relationship he was still using it as an excuse (financial abuse by this stage).

Really don't recommend you stick with this one.

OP, this exact thing happened to me only a few months ago. He was telling me he loved me and making plans for the future and two days before his divorce came through he went from loads of communication to almost not bothered. Within a week that he told me he needed space, cancelled our our plans etc. I told him that it was not good enough for me to be put on the the back burner on the off chance he might want to take things up with me again in the future so I ended it completely. I was very sad because we had been friends for many years prior to us both getting divorced and for me our romantic was great.

I dont regret it because he has emailed me a couple of times since and he is clearly not over his marriage breakdown. Perhaps one day we might get back together again but I am not holding my breath.

Sorry should have said "new romantic relationship was great".

My OH was going through a divorce when we met, which is why I insisted on keeping things on a 'friend's' basis. It took him a lot longer to Get over things than even he realises.

In short, when you've been comitted enough to one person to Marry them and then it doesn't work that is so much moré to deal with than breaking up with someone after a few weeks like teenage relationships.

Tbh I would feel suffucated by 4 or 5 texts a day. Do you have friends you could spend some time with, or any interests where you could meet people? You need to build your own Life without him and then see if he fíts into in the future, if you still want him to.

This thread has been very helpful to me OP but I am the one feeling a bit wobbly as my divorce is finalised. My DP got through his without any traumas and we are very happy together after two lovely years but now I am on the last straight to the absolute I am riven with waves of emotion: regret, uncertainty and general wibbliness. It sounds as though this is a common thing.

I don't want to be back in my marriage for a second. But I am feeling fragile at what a mess I made of it and nervous of doing it all again.

Hope that helps as it may be what your DP is feeling. You sound lovely and he is lucky to have you. But do build up your own life so you don't feel so helpless on your own.

I don't want to be back in my marriage for a second. But I am feeling fragile at what a mess I made of it and nervous of doing it all again.

I think this sums it up beautifully. Thanks Lemon. I think a lot of people confuse the fact that they are over their X with being over the relationship. The two are not the same thing.