Hi all. Im pretty sure Ive done the right thing. Hope its ok to give a bit of background!
My OH was one of those men everybody likes..really pleasant and polite, softly spoken, always willing to help someone out. Good looking as well, which I guess also helped. Behind all that however, I think Id describe him as passive aggressive. I feel happy that I found the courage to get rid, but sad for what could have been, I suppose. His family play passive aggressive games with each other, think it stems from his dad. He has no close friends at all, which I found strange. A 9 year old child from a previous relationship who he barely sees, as the mother plays the 'now you can see her, now you cant' game. He has 3 other grown up children, 2 he gets on with well but the eldest wont speak to him and wont say why, although I think its because of his dad critisising my ex OH to her. He does varied longterm temp jobs, but shortly after he starts theres always an issue whereby, people in the workplace just dont like him. They send him to coventry. I feel this is because he 'cant be told'. I cant imagine anybody training him, especially a woman. He once told me a female work colleague shouted at him that she couldnt help or train him as he interrupted with questions so frequently, she couldnt think. That sums him up, as he is averse to listening to anybody.
Im angry as I feel I was a scapegoat for all the issues around him he wouldnt deal with. Examples of his behaviour to me:
I work Sundays - when staying at my home he'd get up very early & put the tv on in bedroom. News blaring out, Im woken up 2 hours earlier than planned, so very tired for work
Always telling me about his good (female) friends who were a listening ear, and with 1 of them her daughter had said to her 'oh he's so nice, I wish you were with a man like him mum'
If we were out at a function he'd complain if a man so much as looked at me, yet its fine for his female friends to be all over him (theyre mostly FB friends by the way..he does know them from previous years but linked up with them again via FB
Was very criticial of a good friend of mine, until I told him in no uncertain terms to stop. She's very good looking and popular and that seemed to annoy him. Her relationship broke down recently and I felt he was judgmental
Knows my teens well and gets on with them - but with his grown up children it was 'well we dont always get on well so Im not sure if you should meet them'. His middle daughter sounds lovely and always wanted to meet me, which somehow never happened as he wouldnt arrange. Ive met his son once.
We shared finances helped each other, but he earns more than me. If he helped me financially (I always paid him back, that was our arrangement) he'd mention it frequently. He redecorated my kitchen and bathroom, but then acted like he begrudged doing it, and I was using him; which I dont understand as he offered to do it, I didnt ask at all.
My daughter left for Uni this Saturday so Im a bit thoughtful..he came with me to move her stuff. By the evening when we'd returned he'd got into a mood, wanting to argue for hours so I couldnt get any sleep before getting up (over early due to him blaring tv) on Sunday. I also had work Monday, & on Sunday night he again wanted to talk, which turned to an argument, which of course led to tiredness Monday. I thought, its the last straw and I dumped him on Monday. Since then he's been calling and texting but Ive decided to disengage
My problem is, staying disengaged. I do miss him. But am sick of his games..been together 4 years were supposed to get engaged, move in together etc, none of which happened as I feel, he caused so many petty arguments it was always 1 step forward 2 steps backward.
Another trait I noticed is, he always begrudges good things that happen to his friends, or my friends. I cant bear that. He just isnt happy for anybody and cant seem to understand his insular behaviour will leave him lonely. Theres nobody around him as it is. But, he wont listen. The texts he is sending by the way, are also passive aggressive
'oh well youve already made up your mind theres nothing I can do'
'oh well Im sure the man you want is out there somewhere, youll find him'
To me, all designed to let me know he's not going to fight to get me back, but wants to send silly text messages. He called today sounding angry, I calmly told him Id no wish to speak to him, and put the phone down
Sorry this is so long. Ive not put down all the things he did as Id be writing forever. I feel like relationship was a slow drip drip of things calculated to make me feel frustrated and unhappy, as if the relationship wasnt progressing. Id say he made me feel less than a woman.
Im not a person who cant stand up for myself, thankfully. But am finding this hard. Anger is keeping me going at present but I dont want to feel angry. Just remembered something else..he developed a habit of telling me I looked terrible and knackered in the mornings. Just the thing to make a woman feel confident! I didnt buy into that..but was annoyed as it was so transparent, another thing to bring me down.
Please give me the strength to stay disengaged from this man! I call him the smiling assassin..a man who can look and seem so pleasant, its important to him that everybody likes him..but as soon as we are alone, he switches. Just received another text from him 'are we in a relationship or not'. Ive already said no, yet he keeps on...