How the hell do you co-parent with someone who has lied, deceived, cheated and broken your heart?

[diamondsnotforever]

I am almost a year in to a horrendous separation that has absolutely devastated, and very nearly broken, me. I genuinely want to do what is right for my DCs but I just don't know how I am going to get through the next however many years having to communicate with their F.

I understand that it will be better for my children if we can communicate, and be civil, and I am really trying to do that. But it is so hard, endlessly hard, and I think I am going to make myself ill.

He sees our three DCs one day each week, at the weekend, with the occasional overnight stay, which apparently suits him - as it would, living an entirely separate life from us with OW. He makes no contact during the week and is not, as far as I can see, remotely invested in them apart from turning up one day each week for six hours. I could move past the websites, the affair, the deceit, but it is impossible for me to forget the threat that he made just to disappear if I went after any more money, detaching from our kids in the process.

To be fair, he does support them financially, but I can't forget that threat.

I would happily never see him again, but he is the DCs' father and I have tried to support and encourage their relationship, occasionally feeling like I am carrying it. All the harsh conversations about why daddy doesn't live here any more have been mine to have, and all the reassurance comes from me.

Does anybody have any coping strategy, however small, to help me feel like it is going to be possible to make it through the next sixteen years without entirely losing the plot?

I would be so grateful.

I don't think it's your job to 'support and encourage' the relationship they have with their father. Facilitiate it by getting the access time & the maintenance agreed (legally preferably) but then I think that completes your side of the bargain. It's then up to him to keep to the arrangement & support and encourage any relationship with his own children himself.... not you. If he fails to visit or pay maintenance you can tackle him legally. If he fails to show any interest, the only one that will suffer will be him.

I agree with Cogito. Your DC's contact with their father is entirely on his head. All you need to do is make sure they are packed and ready when he picks them up. If they ask why daddy doesn't call/see them more/show an interest, all you need to do is say "I don't know, Sweetheart, you'll need to ask Daddy that question".

Don't take on the burden of trying to make your ex a better parent or excusing him when he's not. It's not your burden to bear. I know it's hard when you see your DC sad that their dad doesn't care more. But you are not doing that, he is. Don't be so hard on yourself or take on unfair responsibility.

I agree wholeheartedly with the above. Let him foster his own relationship with the DC - you just concentrate on you and them and the time you spend together. I would do nothing at all to 'facilitate' anything regarding him. They will figure out what really happened in time. In the meantime, let him answer their questions about what he's done and why.

He can be made to pay the maintenance legally, so it is just a threat.

If he is being an arse then it's not your responsibility to make it amicable. He should act responsibly because it's his children he is seeing and dealing with and if he can't, it's not your problem to make him have to act like a decent father.

I feel sorry for his kids.

Totally detach.

It is his choice how he (doesn't) deal(s) with his children.

The more you take it on as your "problem", the more he will play that game.

Just be there for you and your children.

You don't need his games in your life, or your children's.

been there, done that

Your job is to make them available for contact and not to try to damage the relationship the kids have by badmouthing him. The rest is up to him.

And if he were to disappear then he'd just be tracked down by the CSA and owe a large chunk of arrears, so he's full of shit.

Your kids need you as emotionally intact as possible. That's their main need, in fact. As long as you aren't seeking to harm their relationship with their father, and you make them available for agreed contact, then detaching from him and having as little as possible to do with him is in their interests, IMO.

I feel the same about my XH. I don't see him or speak to him. I despise him now after what he did to me. i have minimum contact with him by text or email. I have begged him to ring DD once a week, and on the weekend that he doesn't see her. He says he is too busy working and that she could ring him, which puts it back on me because DD is 5......

He won't have her in school holidays as he is working. I have discussed it endlessly in counselling as it upsets me for DD's sake. He sees her EOW unless something more important comes up like football or a night out. It drives me insane. But you have to let go or you will go insane.

As others have said, the relationship is down to him. If he doesn't maintain it now, he will regret it when the DC are older and realise it for themselves.

All you can do is deflect any questions from DC , back to him so they can hear it from him. It is so difficult being the only parent that has to deal with everything.

Just try and have as little contact with him as possible and let him dig his own hole. Just be there for your DC.

Thank you for your replies and for your wise words. I just worry for my DCs and I hate the thought that they are not a priority for their F, and I feel the need to protect them from that, but I am hearing that I probably can't. I just want to make it easy as possible for them because they have been through it, and I know they feel rejected by him - they have been. Perfectstorm, thank you for the point you made - I will focus on remaining as emotionally intact as possible which is better for them and more achievable for me.

Most of the time, I can only deal with my xh by text (he is still a complete arse). We do manage the occasional conversation about the dcs where necessary.
I have found that the best course of action is to remain neutral about the dcs father with them, much as suggested by pp. I have also gone by the philosophy that my dcs will learn what their father is like for themselves and I will be there to support them if they do.