Why has my husband got this Facebook account?

[Licketysplit123]

I know it's wrong but I have been snooping. For a number of reasons. Mainly sexual. For about 18 months when we were first married, he totally went off sex with me and I know he was using porn a lot then. We have had a number of problems, since then, many as a direct result.

Anyway, I decided that an adult male is unlikely to be so OK with never having sex. He makes half interested attempts every now and again, I just think something else is going on. No evidence of that though.

I have found an email address under a different name. And when I got into the email address there was nothing really incriminating in it. But there was a Facebook profile under the same name. I hacked into that and there is no activity on it really, just a lot of random friend requests. No messages or anything. Activity log is empty. I am entirely sure it has been used for a while to be honest.

He has three friends on it though. All American high school students, two boys and a girl. They are mutual friends with each other.

From his history of emails it looks like they became Facebook friends in about 2010. To be honest I think they might have mistaken him for someone of the same name in their school, but why accept their friend request?

I can't see any interaction. I can't pinpoint anything wrong. But the very fact is there seems a bit strange. I can't ask him about it, I just can't.

Any ideas?

[garlicbaguette]

He might be in lurve with porn, he might be having affairs, he might be doing sexcam stuff, he might even be into something illegal. I don't know!

But I do know he's distanced himself from you sexually and emotionally, lives some kind of secret life, and you are unhappy. I really, really understand the desire to "find something". But a relationship is not a criminal trial; no evidence is in fact needed. You're an adult with free will, so is he.

It's not better for DD to grow up with a frustrated, lonely mum and a withholding father. Think about the kind of relationship this will model for her.

Many men are actually better fathers after they stop living with their kids. Would yours be, do you think?

[sixfootplus]

@Licketysplit123

Again, from a male perspective and not necessarily from personal experience (it's been almost sub-teens since I did anything down there myself), masturbating to porn (whilst in a relationship) is lazy sex!

It's noncommittal, emotionally detached and all about selfishly relieving oneself without having to take the time and effort to make sure the other person gets what they need too!

It could be....

He either can't be bothered to make the effort with you, or has some kind of issue about having sex with you. This could be premature ejeculation (common with male porn users because they have to get it up n running and off as quick as possible, so as not to get caught), or something he doesn't like about what or how you guys do your thing, who knows?

Only you can find that out by talking to him, calmly and absolutely in a nonjudgemental way! If it is PE, then he could be feeling very embarrassed, inadequate and all that macho stuff us blokeys feel and don't quite know how to say!

The wet dream could be something completely different, ie; he isn't actually climaxing when using porn or, hasn't been masturbating recently. When a man doesn't ejeculate for quite some time, the body self releases the sperm because the testicles will continue to make sperm until there is no more room!

But also....

He could've had an errotic dream. When blokes are asleep, they are completely relaxed and this helps all things down there - hence the morning wood that some of you probably wake up to sometimes.

And lastly....

All of the above could be a medical problem, which would need to be looked at A.S.A.P....

Appologies in advance if my post has offended anyone in anyway, but I couldn't think of a better way to explain such a sensitive subject.

I'm sure the MOD's will delete/amend anything I've put if it breaches the rules anywhere.

Hope my explanation is some help to the OP.

:)

[AboutTimeForAChange]

I did an advanced search on you OP and saw your posts a month ago. This relationship is not working.

You can tell people who ask why you left to mind their own business.

[sixfootplus]

@Licketysplit123

Yes it took some doing to catch the buggers bang-to-rights and I had to go through an awful lot of lies, lies, lies to finally get to the truth!

And of course, they're not together anymore (these affairs never really last much past the honeymoon period buzz of the first few weeks). And almost always fizzle out quicker after they've been outted! I guess the hiding, secrecy and sneaking about is part of that buzz!

I do still wonder now and again if they ever ask themselves "was it really worth it?"

I doubt it.....

:)

[Licketysplit123]

sixfoot thanks, no offence taken over here, good to have a man's view.

I have long since come to the conclusion that i am a big part of the reason he doesn't want to have sex.
I have tried to talk to him a lot about it in the past and when he told me about his porn habit, I was very understanding and he said he wanted to work through it and I said I would too.
After that, it was still very irregular, about once every 2/3 months but I found it hard to make the first move because my confidence had gone.
A couple of months ago, he tried to do it more because he wanted to TTC for number 2 but i didn't and now we are back to nothing, except every few weeks he will suggest something but i don't feel able to after the criticism last time.

PE has never been his problem but he has had two or three ED incidents, which he said was the reason he started using porn.

i have stopped trying to talk about it, because he says i remember it wrong, i am being unfair and I shouldn't keep bringing up the past.

To be honest if it was just this, I could deal with it and I would make him talk and go to counselling, but there are a lot of other things. Guilt trips if I want to go to an exercise class, or take DD out anywhere, ruined holidays, being horrible when i was ill etc.

Yes abouttime you are right, it's not working. I just will feel so guilty when I end it and I don't know how to deal with that.

[garlicbaguette]

the testicles will continue to make sperm until there is no more room!

What a load of old cobblers. Unused sperm are re-absorbed into the body. Dreaming of sex, yes, that's both likely and normal. Sixfoot, I hope you don't subscribe to the ridiculous idea that "men need sex" or they explode or something

Lickety, it can't be your fault. He went off sex the minute you got married. The man has ishoos.

Also, this: i have stopped trying to talk about it, because he says i remember it wrong, i am being unfair and I shouldn't keep bringing up the past. He is gaslighting you, trying to make you doubt yourself by saying you don't know facts (true) from fiction (his) and to invalidate your thoughts by saying they don't matter - even when you've just said they matter to you! What with the other stuff about guilting you for going to the gym (wtf??!) ruining holidays and not caring when you were ill, he sounds like quite an unpleasant person.

Have you visited the Emotional Abuse threads? I think you'll find him there.

[Licketysplit123]

Thanks garlic
I have been to the thread, I veer from thinking I belong to thinking I'm a fraud. I challenge him constantly at the moment and although in the last couple of months there have been a few minor incidents, I'm not sure it amounts to EA anymore.

He's been on good behaviour and I just don't understand it. I suppose that's why I went looking for something.

[ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee]

Lickety - I remember at least one of your other threads.

You have more then enough reasons to leave already - he is making you miserable and in turn your DD - the older she gets the unhappier she will be.

In the meantime, definitely NO sex. Getting pregnant again would be a very bad idea!

You need to leave - you really do

[ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee]

Don't bother trying to understand what's going on - I don't think you will ever get to the bottom of it. It's irrelevant really - just think about the things he has done & said... you don't have to put up with that crap, you really don't.

[TheOrcHeadKeeper]

I think he can't possibly love me because of the way he has treated me at certain times

He criticised me last time we did it about two months ago

he says i remember it wrong, i am being unfair and I shouldn't keep bringing up the past

That does not sound very healthy for you
I'd certainly leave in your position.

[sixfootplus]

@Garlicbaguette.

I'm sorry that you think my explanation was a load of old cobblers, I was merely repeating what I was taught in Biology class at school!

Quote from a medical advice site (didn't have time to search longer)

[Semen can build up inside your body. One way that semen gets released is with a wet dream.]

Now that isn't what I said word-for-word but, is pretty damn near wouldn't you agree?

Anyway, horses for courses etc and everyones entitled to their opinion.... Although, I perhaps would've put my objection/disagreement to another poster's comment in a touch more friendly way :)

Friends?

[zatyaballerina]

Could be for fb snooping or games.

[garlicbaguette]

Unless you are very young indeed, sixfoot, you can't rely on what they taught you in school! Science moves on very quickly :)

Your quote says that one way the spunk gets released is with a wet dream, which obviously is ejaculation. So that implies there are other ways, no?

Some men seem remarkably unaware that their bodies produce sperm all the time. They think it's made on demand or something, which might be handy, I suppose, but human bodies are optimised for any-time fertilisation. This is from a vasectomy information page: "The testicles continue to produce sperm, but the sperm are reabsorbed by the body. (This also happens to sperm that are not ejaculated after a while, regardless of whether you have had a vasectomy.)"

Sorry for mini biology lesson on your thread, OP.

[sixfootplus]

@Garlicbaguette.

Yes that makes sense. So I guess I was mistaken and appologise to the OP for giving duff analysis :).

[Herbie58]

You need a Facebook account in order to have a Tinder account. Along with many other dating apps. It's the primary way to log into them.

[OwlsinTowls]

I have a few Facebook accounts under false names, usually for searching up people who have blocked me. I don't use them now. Perhaps something like that?

[Dieu]

A secret email address was the first thing I discovered about my ex husband's infidelity.
Always trust your gut instinct, OP. It won't let you down.
Good luck

[smitti]

ZOMBIE THREAD