I'm not though, am I?

[Notuptome]

I feel like I am responsible for everyone else's happiness.

This has been a tough year both for my family and for my team at work - I don't want to out myself with too much detail, but I have had to put a lot of time and emotional effort into supporting family members and colleagues.
I don't feel that I get any support from anyone else including my DH. I feel that everyone expects me to keep going, staying cheerful, listening to all their problems, sorting them out etc etc. DH has left all the family stuff to me and shows little interest in the work stuff, not even remembering the names of people I have worked with for years (and that he has met).
I have started to fantasise about leaving everything behind, living on my own and starting again with a new life (I am in my 50s). I am not planning to cut off the DC, but I cannot see any benefit to staying with DH, I don't feel that he meets any of my needs apart from financial/material and I could manage that for myself.

But I don't feel I can leave because I will upset everyone. DH still says he really loves me, I am not sure if I love him any more, because I feel he has let me down.

Can I do it? Am I keeping everyone going, or am I being a bit narcissist to think that I am that important and no-one would cope without me?

Maybe you just need a break. Time away with a friend or something. A bit of fun for a change. It's also worth checking your health out. I am not dismissing what you are saying but maybe you could consider HRT. You certainly need to nurture yourself somehow, think of something you could do everyday for yourself. Let the rest of them look after themselves a bit more. They will cope but prefer you to look after them given the choice. Counselling would help too as you could step back and really question how you are living.

Thanks for replying. My health is fine, in fact I am fitter than I have ever been, as I consciously try to look after myself with a good diet and exercise. I do get away sometimes, but find it hard to come back and face it all again! I do agree about the counselling, but am a bit afraid that once I start that the floodgates will open and I will collapse in a little heap. Do you have experience of counselling? What is it like?

Yes I am familiar with it but don't like to say too much. I think given how you feel you will benefit, you will end up in a heap anyway if you try to soldier on. It will be cathartic and it will help you think more clearly and importantly, give you an hour a week to think and talk about anything you like in a supportive environment. It can be hard to find a good counsellor though and even via the Bacp website they aren't necessarily going to be good so don't hesitate to stop with one and try another if you think they aren't helping.

Sounds like you need some life pruning. Scale things back. Leave people to their own devices more often. Say 'no' more often. Be 'too busy' to listen to the problems. Show your emotions more often and express yourself assertively. Adopt a more selfish attitude where you find 'oasis activities' that are purely for your own pleasure, prioritise the things you enjoy (and that could include selectively helping others if it makes you feel valued btw .. that's not narcissim) and relegate everything else. Could you consider taking a lengthy sabbatical from work or get a different kind of role?

If you prune your life down to the things that matter to you and develop your social life at the same time.... generate much more independence, in other words... you'll either find that your DH becomes more tolerable or that you can manage without him.

This could be burn out. It would be better (and kinder to everyone) for you to take some planned time out to recover and evaluate your life, than to crash and burn because you reach the point of exhaustion. Your needs are important too. Don't be afraid to say so.

Been there, got the T Shirt

Thanks everyone, I can access a counselling service through work, so I think I will have to bite the bullet and have a go. I am genuinely frightened to let go though, I have never been good at talking about how I feel, everyone sees me as very capable (I guess that is why they 'dump' on me) but I am a seething mess inside.

I can't take a break from work, I would like to look for a new job, but there is some money due to me if I hang on for a few more months. The money would also fund my escape plan if I put it into action - lots of decisions to be made...

Lemon I hope you are feeling better now - what helped you?

I hope you feel better soon. All the other posters suggestions have been great, I can only think to add a short term suggestion. Why not have one or two weeks of complete selfishness & book yourself onto a holiday somewhere sunny. Don't take anyone with you just take the time to be by yourself & it might help you reflect on how you're feeling a little better when you're not in the midst if it. (& if it doesn't work-at least you've been on holiday!)

Great idea to get the counselling and prune back your involvement with everyone elses problems.
I am going to go out on a limb here but in your family of origin, were there boundary issues? It sounds like you don't realize you have the right to say no, the right to put yourself first. Sorry if I am off the mark but it rang a few bells for me.
You say your husband tells you he loves you but isn't very supportive. Just remember love is a verb.
Good luck

As someone who's been where you are, I'd echo those suggestions about cutting back and being less available. It worked for me.

you just sound overwhelmed, more than anything. When you get like that it can be easy to pick faults with our nearest and dearest over minor irritations that are annoying, but not worth ending a relationship over. It's just impossible to see the woods for the trees and they're an easy target. It could be that your DH is an arse and you are better off without him, but you need to make that decision with a very clear head where the rest of your life is in balance I think, rather than making a snap decision now.

In the meantime, it wouldn't hurt to tell your DH that if he expects to be treated like a partner rather than a person-in-therapy, he needs to pull his weight around the house more and listen to you as well as expecting you to listen to him. But don't martyr yourself - tell him your problems rather than wait for an invitation. If he's not interested, that will help you make up your decision to leave for a much better reason than just wanting to escape unacceptable levels of pressure.

Thanks Dahlen you are right that I need to tell DH, but he does not deal well with feelings, if I tell him how I feel about something he takes it as a personal sleight or criticism, and becomes defensive, so I have kind of given up. I have thought about couples counselling, but I don't think he will ever agree to that.
Mindy I am not sure what you mean by boundary issues? There were a lot of 'secrets', which has made it hard for me to express myself in relationships.
I think I am going to book a weekend with my closest friend to talk this all over (or would that be dumping on her?) and will call the counselling service today.

A weekend with a friend is a great idea. Drink lots of . Eat lots of . Put the world to rights!

OP, sorry, what I meant is, was it Ok to say no? Did you have adult pressures put on you as a child? Were the normal "boundaries" applied with regard to your life, your friends, your thoughts, your personal space. Were you treated as an appendage to one of your parents rather than as a person in your own right?
Sometimes it is hard to shake the patterns of behaviour we learn in childhood and we end up as "people pleasers" cos that is how we have been trained.
Maybe it is far simpler than that for you and you just need some time and space for yourself and to put yourself first for a change.
A weekend away sounds like a great start.

This might be a bit crackpot to some of you, but I DO recommend Bach Flower essences for for gentle support in dealing with long suppressed feelings. They won't make everything right overnight, but will support steady transformation - and might help you to bottom out without collapsing completely.

Mindy I think you have hit a very big nail on the head, without going into details, the 'secrets' in my childhood were around abuse and the need to protect siblings.
Alison thanks for your suggestion, I will look into that.

Reading your OP made me think of the book "Wifework", which discusses the fact that "wives" are expected to do the emotional caretaking of everyone in the family, including their adult male partner, with no one returning the favour for them. It's not just the housework that is disproportionately left to the woman in a family, but managing everyone's happiness too.

So maybe be aware of this role, and say "no" to it: it's not your job to keep everyone happy, although they have clearly benefited from placing you in exactly that role for a long time. Stop listening to people's problems and sorting them out -- or find a balance where you only do that in so far as they do the same for you, too. You can practice saying things like : "I hear that you are having problems with xxx, but I don't have time to help you with that now, as I need to get on with yyyy / take a break with my feet up and a cup of tea."

Oh Alison yes, Bachs Rescue Remedy is a must!!!

...'you are right that I need to tell DH, but he does not deal well with feelings, if I tell him how I feel about something he takes it as a personal sleight or criticism, and becomes defensive, so I have kind of given up.'

-Well, perhaps point out to him that he essentially has the choice of growing up a bit and dealing with some 'feelings' coming from his supposed life partner OR being left deservedly on his own? Might focus his pouty little mind somewhat?

Notup It wasn't pretty I got to desperation point as my marriage was a disaster area for several reasons. I left my H and older 3DC to sort themselves out and amazingly they all survived and seem to have grown more capable and responsible. I have stepped down from all the social/sporting committee roles I had and just do my work ones. I have a small number of lovely friends who don't need looking after and a new DP who looks after me as much as I do him.

Going back in time ten years I should have done less for everybody, been more selfish and looked after myself more, and volunteered less. Family life is a marathon not a sprint, perhaps.

I regret the carnage (and hurt to my DC) I caused with my fall from grace but I am much happier now. Look at me on MN during the day instead of doing something useful

I had family issues too, which I addressed with counselling. I am there "to make everyone feel better". But not at my expense any more!!