Sex with a new partner

[Ikeameatballs]

I've just started Internet dating after 11 years with ex-p. Whilst early on in the relationship ex-p and me had a great sex life for he last few years sex was infrequent (dp's choice not mine) and I felt very sexually rejected by the end. I've only had one date so far which was fine but there was no spark and a few things that put me off but I've increasingly realised that I'm really anxious about the prospect of sex with a new partner. Before ex-p I had had one previous partner, again in a very long term relationship.

Any advice on how to feel more comfortable with this would be much appreciated.

Just remember its fun. I think there is more pressure on the fella for a first time. He'll probably be the same.

Wait until you know him a bit and no longer feel rushed or worried. And then do it slowly xxx. No hurry whatsoever.

I can understand how you feel , I have been with my stbxw for twenty years and to be honest before we met had only had drunken teenage gropes so only really been with her, the thought of being with someone else fills me with fear but I do want to have new relationships eventually, I think it's about waiting and not rushing into anything you will know when you are ready. Although the x doesn't seem to have any problems with it.

Bit like riding a bike

Watching with interest as I'm in the same boat. Good Luck OP

I agree with 'don't hurry'. Sex isn't something you can approach intellectually and it's not inevitable. If there's no spark already, you're feeling self-conscious and you're finding certain things off-putting then leave this one where you found him and move onto someone else. When you meet the right person it'll feel natural to sleep together.

I'd go with the waiting advice. Not because of any moralistic claptrap about nice girls and respect, but simply because if you don't sate sexual tension immediately, you become more hungry for it and way less self-conscious.

Go with the flow, but be ready to try new things.

Go with the flow, I think when you meet the right person you won't feel so anxious.

I did Internet dating a few months ago, I was anxious about the whole sex thing too (my ex used to say I was fat and ugly and he didn't want to sleep with me) but then I ended up meeting someone, we immediately clicked and ended up having sex on the first date (even shocked myself with that). Was expecting it to be a one nighter but six months on we're still together and very happy.

Thanks. I definitely won't be seeing the first date man again.

I've chatted to someone else tonight and I do feel quite attracted to him but will have to wait until we meet up in a few weeks time to know if there is any spark. I'm going out this weekend with a girlfriend so will try to just relax and practice flirting at the bar etc.

I hover between feeling really horny (no sex for 2 years even though I fancied ex-p) and feeling really scared. I hope that you are all right and that if I do meet someone who I feel a spark with then the physical side of it will be good too.

Also worried about a return to condoms!

I agree with the previous poster - when the person is right it will just happen. I met someone a couple of months ago OD and wasn't sure at first ( only second OD) he turned out to be lovely and we spent several dates together ( long ones too- all day/ evening) went out one night and then back to mine and it just happened. Was lovely and relaxed and just felt right bloody fantastic ! And it's all still going great .I was out of a 19 year marriage and never thought I could be this happy again !

It's about being with the right person and no pressure ( from him or yourself) relax and enjoy it when it happens and you will see that it is REALLY like riding a bike , no matter how long since you last rode it !! :)

Oh my goodness!

Right.

I started OD about 3 months ago. In a nutshell, I think I probably felt quite similar to you. No sex in marriage for a long time, husband who just wasn't interested in me...

I went on a few dates and felt nothing. Nothing at all. I'd not seen myself as a sexual being for so many years, I wasn't even sure I'd know where to find my bits, let alone what to do with his or them together...! I just thought that maybe this was it, that I'd just have to resign myself to not having sex or feeling sexual again...

Then I met the man I've been on 3 dates with. 3 dates. That's all. The spark was overwhelming. He told me it was lovely that I have no hang ups and am so at ease with myself and how much I seem to know myself!!! But it's not really true! That's just how I am with him. It's how he makes me feel. I spent the night with him the other day and, ohmygod, I'm bruised and battered... It was wonderful. And he likes me! Oh and he was very nervous the first time. He didn't feel any differently to I did.

Whatever this turns out to be with him, I will never put up with feeling sexually unattractive ever again. I will never put up with unsatisfactory/boring/lack lustre sex again because now I know just how fucking amazing it can be!

Seriously, when you meet a/the right person it will happen and it will be fine!

I'm starting to feel all flustered just thinking about it

I think if you overthink it the thought of sex with a new partner after a while out is horrific. So the secret is not to over-think it, when you're with someone you actually want to be with the awkwardness and nerves will just disappear.

Good for you FolkGirl ! Sounds brilliant.

Another one here who thought that I wasn't really into sex with stbhx, I really could take it or leave it. Since meeting DP (OD too!) a year ago I have realised that I bloody love it, he is attentive and considerate (not to mention damn sexy and he smells gorgeous!). It's the best sex I've ever had - and the same for him - so there was nothing to worry about.

I was really nervous about my post-children body (somehow it doesn't seem as bad for the man who fathered the children to have to put up with the mummy-tummy, but for someone else to see it, I was mortified at the very thought of it).

However after a couple of dates and some blow jobs it just happened and felt right and my nervousness melted away. I'm never going to stand up and do a little dance in my undies, but I feel less self-conscious about my body with him because I know he loves me and we just fit together.

TwoSteps It is!

I think the feeling less self conscious about your body is really crucial. My ex and I rarely DTD and when I did, it was lights off, I had to be a bit tipsy pissed and I mentally and emotionally detached from it.

But with this man, my plan for the evening as I drove over was to get naked as quickly as possible and not wear anything again until the morning. And that's exactly what happened, including a brief stint watching TV, having a chat and wandering around the kitchen to get drinks.

Seriously Ikea if you are thinking "well that's alright for you lot, but I'll never feel like that", that is exactly what I'd have said 3 weeks ago!!

I spend a lot of time thinking and daydreaming about what I'd like to do to/with him now... It's great, but the house could do with a tidy..!

Good for you FolkGirl!

I think part of the problem is that I still feel very physically attracted to ex-p and feel like the years I have spent with him have almost trained me to fancy him iyswim. However, I do like the sexy voice of the man I spoke to last night and would like to feel attractive again. Onwards and upwards!!!

Ikea that's probably a good sign, at least your libido is still up and running, for many of us the idea of being physically attracted to anyone seems ludicrous as all the desire has been suppressed for so long. And I wouldn't worry about condoms too much, that's his issue to worry about. As long as he gets one on then it shouldn't really impact on you too much!

TwoSteps is absolutely right about the libido thing.

I thought desire had upped and left the building. Well, it came crashing back through the doors with a Ta-Da! and jazz hands!

In fact I hadn't realised just how much other people would feel the same as me. I thought I was just some kind of 'frigid' freak. Evidently, I'm not.

You really will be fine when it happens. Just enjoy it!

Two years no sex with ex p ...still
Find it unbelievable we have 2 DD's.... Lights off , always the same, no chat , variation etc .. Mentioned to my friend that I could happily live without ever having sex again.. She pointed out that i was with the wrong person ...Then I met 'stupid but handsome spiritual '
Boyfriend and blew me away... You will know when it's right... You will be undressing him and surprising yourself.. Our first night was weird.. He will def feel more nervous than you... I remember stopping half way through for him to have a glass of milk... And thinking WTF but its a whole fabulous world of fun and frolics out there... Just find the right bloke and you'll be laughing ...condoms.. Just one of those things...don't worry , relax and enjoy x