Considering asking my father to take a paternity test as I am doubting my parentage....

[SlowlyGoingRoundTheBend]

Father left when I was 6/7 years old. Never paid maintenance and had no further contact for 30 years. I have one 'full' brother 18 months older than me and 4 older half siblings from TM's (toxic mother) 1st marriage together with another 2 younger half siblings from her 3rd. I have a rather distressing memory of my father physically attacking my mother just before my left. He was in the Navy and away at sea a lot.

My mother worked in a bar on the Navy base and has a track record of hooking up with younger men (my father was 20 when he took on her and her 4DC, she was 25, stepfather 10 years younger) and immediately getting pregnant by them. My mother cut off all contact with my father's side of the family and hers , never saw my grandparents/cousins again , after my father left.

I was brought up 'differently' to my siblings, i.e abused and isolated. I am the only one out of the 8 DCs to have green eyes, all the others have blue, my 'real' father has brown (I know it probably does not mean much ).

What really sets me thinking is that my father has told me there is a 'can of worms' surrounding his and my mother's divorce and he will not discuss the reasons around it or even have it brought up, and my stepfather has separately stated that there is a 'pandora's box' which he and my mother will open if I want (as a threat and of course they went non contact when I said, 'fine, open it please').

This together with my childhood memory, my green eyes (and tallness), my father's lack of any connection with me (he only wanted to hear about my brother who won't meet him), my feeling of isolation from the whole family, my mother's quite horrific emotional and physical abuse of me (only me, maybe because her marriage broke up because of 'me') and just a general instinct that something is not quite right has lead me to this conclusion being a possibility. It just makes sense of everything.

Would I be crazy to even think this? Or is it that my 'real' father is such a shit that I hate the fact that he ditched us and that he is my dad so perhaps have some of his traits? Opinions please!

What's on your birth certificate?

I think they might just tell you - ask them about this can of worms?

That all sounds very sad. Poor you. Would it make you feel better to know your "father' is not your father? Have you thought about how you would feel either way?

BTW it seems quite plausible if your dad was away a lot and there is little family resemblance...apart from eye colour and height (which are different), do you look like your putative dad?

Perhaps you could consider counselling before going too much further.

If you do decide to investigate, it would presumably be easier to get a DNA sample from your "full"brother for the comparison, wouldn't it? A full brother would be expected to share about 50% of your genes, a half brother only 25% so you could still get your answer.

Poor you, it all sounds an awful mess. Excuse me for saying but perhaps your parentage is the least of it? Have you had any counselling to help you feel better about your childhood?

The easiest option might be to ask your mother but I think you are not in contact with her?

If you are in contact with your 'full' brother i think a DNA test would reveal if you had the same parents. That might be easier than going through a testing process with your father.

If you're uncertain about going through with the testing would it be helpful to think about how you'd feel about all the possible outcomes of the test results?

I'm so sorry you had such a hard childhood

I'm sorry you've been through some horrible times.

How would you feel if he turned out not to be your biological father? How would you feel if he turned out to be your biological father?
What would be the best outcome for you from this?

It sounds to me like you're better off without all of them in your life, that if you do have another biological father out there somewhere he is not going to be any better (and really is nothing to you as he doesn't know you/wasn't around). Certainly don't do it if you then want to find someone else and make a better family in some kind of fairytale dream because it rarely if ever works out that way.

I'd recommend some serious counselling and surrounding yourself with good friends, to make your own family. Your family don't have to be the people who share your blood.

Like you I would want to know. If they will not tell you straight, would the grandparents still be around to talk to you? If your father will not talk about the "can of worms" concerning his divorce from your mother and your stepfather says there is a "pandora's box". Maybe tell your stepfather that however bad it is, it is important for you to know and understand it (IF you feel up to dealing with whatever it may be). To be in counselling before you do this sounds like a very good idea to me.

I'm sorry you had such a bad time with your parents. You are not crazy to doubt your parentage, it is a possibility always, isn't it?

Thanks for all the replies. Getting other people's perceptions is really important as I really feel as if I am going nuts (as I have been labelled by my family).

'Full' brother lives in the US and is a major success story for my TM. We have never been close (in fact he used to use me as a punchbag when we were kids) and we have no contact as I am such a 'fuck up' according to him. Funny how only my family think that is'nt it?! In work and socially, people consider me as an extremely strong, kind, funny, intelligent, unflappable although 'stand offish' person and I know why I find it hard to trust people. I started a full-time university course today and had this feeling that I can't let anyone know 'who' I am or they will just hate me. My whole life has been blighted by this and I have had enough. I have 4 DC and I feel so sorry for them having me as a mother even though I know I an doing OK and they will NEVER feel like I did when I was a child.

I need an explanation as to why my mother treated me like she did. Her explanation that I was evil, nasty, spiteful, crazy is just too hard to accept and is really hard to get past despite lots of counselling, coming into 3 years worth now and I still feel the same.

That is what I am trying to get to the bottom of, why my family, especially siblings, perceive me like that? I have never done anything wrong - drugs/booze/crime/promiscuity/borrowed money/asked for help (except for once in an extreme situation and the fact that I needed 'charity' was used over and over again against me).

I am currently having EMDR to deal with some very traumatic events in adulthood that have left me an absolute wreck. Most of my 'neurosis' started in childhood though (I now know I have had OCD since I was around 8 but no one else noticed or gave a shit ) and I need to convince myself that I am 'sane' but seem to be failing badly.

My gut feeling on reading your story, as somebody who found out the man she thought was her father isn't relatively late in life, is that your suspicions are right and this man isn't your father. I knew on some level something wasn't right in my family either. I was fortunate in that when I confronted my mother she told me the truth. What is the best way of getting the truth out of your family, do you think? Sounds like your brother won't cooperate with a DNA test. Would your dad tell you if you asked him outright?

That is to say, I think finding out the truth will make you feel better, but you may never know and you have to try and prepare yourself for that.

You are the "family scapegoat"- body looks at the issues and problems in the family, as they are pinned on you instead.

Rationally you know well that there is no such thing as a crazy evil etc etc child. It's all external shit and labels which others put on to you.

Would it really help to know either way? Neither if your parents sound responsible. Would it make any difference if there were an unknown 'real' father out there?

Take care of you. The less you need them, the less they matter.

Also, maybe they are taunting you with that "secret" a bit? Because it makes them fe powerful?

You could tell then you already figured it out and see what they say.

People who know you consider you to be intelligent, strong, kind and calm. That says it all . Do you really need to know who your genetic father is when he has never been in your life (either way)?

Look to the future, if you can. People sometimes say you have to understand your past to move on but actually, sometimes there is virtue in writing the whole thing off as irrelevant and to concentrate on the here and now - 4 well brought up DC, some good friends and a university course ahead of you.

Good luck with the degree, by the way. Perhaps that will validate you more than any raking around in family history. Your mother clearly has a chaotic life, and you have no real need to entangle yourself in that any longer. Leave her to it - her past mistakes and messes don't have to drag you down now you are grown.

I think it would help the OP to know, onefewer. If this man isn't her biological father she might like to search for her biological family, for a start, maybe through a website like FamilyTreeDNA. She may just find it comforting to know she isn't related to the man who abandoned her. Or she may find they definitely are related and be able to put these suspicions to bed and work on getting her head around that. I know I was glad when I found out my dad was not my dad, because I was finally dealing with truth, with reality, not wishful thinking and lies. I've also been able to trace a half-brother I never knew I had.

VoiceofRaisin, I'm in the process of searching for my genetic father even though he's never been in my life, because I just want to know where I come from. I don't need a father figure, I just need answers, I need to know what his face looks like. OP, whilst you're mulling all this over you might find it helpful to read some of the literature on adoption, 'The Journey of the Adopted Self' by Betty Jean Lifton is very good. You should probably settle in to your university course before pursuing this too, if you do decide to pursue it.

jobwoes I can imagine that ordinarily yours is a perfectly normal reaction, and I would do that myself. However I am just worried for the OP as there is this "Pandora's Box" or "Can of Worms" that she may not have the energy to deal with if she already has self esteem issues. But I am probably wrong! You must know much more about this kind of thing than I do.

You're right VoiceofRaisin in that the time has to be right and whilst the OP has other stressful things in her life going on, like getting to grips with her uni course, she might want to 'shelve' this stuff for a bit. Hope you are feeling ok today OP.

I feel better today thanks Jobwoes. I don't know what to do. Sometimes everything seems to be so clear, then I start thinking that I must be wrong, I imagined the abuse, things weren't that bad, it doesn't matter anymore, why can't I forget it and move on .

It is sooo exhausting having this shit in my life. I am so resentful sometimes that I didn't have a normal uncomplicated upbringing in a loving home with both parents (not having one run off and the other one totally ripping my soul apart with horrendous emotional abuse). I really wish I did not have to give this any headspace at all but I can't seem to let it go .

to all who have posted replies. I greatly appreciate them all.