Partner has ended relationship after 5 years

[umbongo12]

Hi there

I am looking for any advice anyone can give me on my current situation.

I was with my partner for 5 years. We always seemed to be happy and very much in love. Of course we faced problems like most relationships but I always, always felt we could overcome them and have gotten through many difficult times together. This has included problems with my mental health that has resulted in two overdoses since I have been with him (not due to him, but because I have lost two siblings in the time we were together).

We both spent a long time at uni - me because I took a year out to work and he because he had to repeat his year twice. We're now a little older (all of our friends have jobs and houses etc), but we moved back to his parents house last November because we had no money. In fact we have relied on his parents an awful lot who have been so kind to us.

Since we graduated in July we've both been on the job hunt and have had to sign on to generate any kind of income. I have had some success (3 interviews but no jobs) and my partner has had one interview. We're still looking. We both have taken it difficult. We spend all day at his parents house in each others company with no money to do anything, constantly waiting for the phone to ring.

My partner, in the past few weeks, has grown increasingly distant from me and not as loving as he usually is. We've argued more and i've felt like we were two seperate people rather than a couple. He became so distant that I told him I was going to stay at my mums house to give him space. He agreed and then it turned into that he didn't know what he wanted anymore. We met up last week and he said the space had helped him and he needed some more. Then we met up again but he was distant and we argued, and it went back to him not knowing what he wanted. We ended up agreeing that we should split up - I agreed with it because I knew he wasnt being the person that he was, and he obviously needed some space to decide what he wanted.

It has came to light that although we've both struggled, he has taken it worse. He has said he feels empty and unhappy about everything and has lost hope with the job hunt. When I have spoken to him recently about this he has cried, which I very rarely see him do. He has said he will be going to the doctor's to talk about how he is feeling and recognises that he needs help with his how he is feeling.

I'm unsure what to do. I looked it up and there are numerous topics with people who are in the same situation - their partner has switched off because they feel depressed. But I am terrified of being hopeful that he will get help and suddenly love me again. He says that he will always love me but doesn't "love, love" me. He proposed in June and said that he wanted to do it and everything was fine back then. I want to support him in getting better too - i've had problems and I know how debiliatating it can be.

Any advice? It would be greatly appreciated as i've run out of hope.

Thanks

Sorry you are going through this.

I don't think you can support him as a friend when you want more. It is hurtful for your emotions/well being and it may put guilt on him having to be with you because you are being there for him. I hope that makes sense.

My advise is to treat him as an ex and go non contact with him. This way you can get your head clear and not be hearing about how he may/may not be into you.

Move on with your life and make it a full and happy one with out waiting for him.

Easier said than done I know.

"He says that he will always love me but doesn't "love, love" me."

When you get to this kind of ridiculous non-statement, I think it's all over. It's painful and it's always a shame when a relationship comes to an end but you can't afford to put your life on hold while he decides if you're worth bothering with. Too demeaning. BTW Don't be too surprised if you find that this is nothing to do with his state of mind and that there's someone else he's got his eye on. I agree with Xales... look after yourself, stay busy, be with friends, walk away with your head high and stay out of touch. Good luck

Hi there

Thanks for your reply. I guess you are right. It is difficult but in many ways hearing from him and seeing him makes it harder. When I have seen him, we have been acting like a couple, touching etc. Probably because we are used to acting that way but it gives me hope.

Many thanks. I am going to try and get on with my life and get stronger from it.

Sadly I agree with the other posters. It's over. It's probably been over in his mind for a while, it's all new to you so no wonder you're feeling confused. No contact is the way to go, anything else is just prolonging the pain for you. I know it's horrible, I feel for you, and have been where you are now. I didn't follow this advice, and I took a very long time to get over it, seeing him as a friend was just like scratching off a scab. Your ex will be fine, he's with his parents, and even if he's not fine, it's not your concern any more. Good luck to luck to you - concentrate your energies on kick starting your life.

You both graduated in July and neither of you are working? I'm not surprised he (and probably you) are depressed.

As a starter, I would suggest you both go out and get part-time jobs. It doesn't matter too much where (i.e. shop, pub, bar, office). You'll be amazed how differently you will feel just by mixing with people and earning some money. As an employer, I would look more favourably on someone who was working at McDonalds rather than signing on. It's tough for graduates now who seem to have their sights set too high. Today's graduates are doing the jobs that the 'A' Level school leavers used to do in my day. I used to know a law graduate from a red brick uni who was working as an HR Assistant several years into her career (probably not what she envisioned).

In terms of splitting up, well, if that's what he wants then you pretty much have to go with it. I'm afraid you can't make someone want to be with you.

Get busy (and happy) and see what happens.

samuraispider I suspect they are applying for those jobs actually. Being unemployed for a couple of months after graduation is not even approaching a long time these days, people are struggling to get bar work never mind graduate jobs.

Agree with the others on the relationship, sadly. Yes, he has genuine problems and it's natural to want to help someone you care about, but your own mental health comes first. He can't have the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" conversation and still use you as an emotional support - that's part of what he gave up when he decided to end the relationship.