How did I survive? I can't believe it now when I look back...

[dimsum123]

Am talking about my horribly horribly abusive and neglectful childhood. I recieved NO affection, no verbal or physical affection or kindness from either parent. I never felt loved or valued.

I just dont know how I survived through it all, and managed to do ok at school, college uni etc although nowhere near as well as I should have done.

How have I managed to have a happy marriage although we have come very close to divorce many times.

I wish it was more visibly obvious I that have grown up without the advantages of loving caring supportive parents which sounds strange i know. But I wish people knew so I didn't have to always try so hard to appear 'normal' when actually I am horribly scarred and damaged inside.

I am sure my eczema which is visible, is an external physical indicator of the internal emotional damage done to me many years ago, but only I know the connection everyone else sees it as just a random skin condition.

Sorry am not making much sense i know.

Sometimes it has to be enough to know that you survived, did the right thing and triumphed against the odds. You have to find the contentment from within rather than expecting others to appreciate what they can't possibly know. Few people have no skeletons in the closet...

Should add.. is there anyone in your life that knows the full story?

DH knows but not all the gory details. Too painful to talk about. He is great but I think he forgets my background because I am very good at appearing to be normal and ok (probably cos I've done that all my life).

There is such a thing as growth from trauma. That is, life's adversities making us stronger and able to deal with change and shit hitting the fan in a positive and strong way.

here

But you say you appear normal....do you not feel normal in some way?

Maybe it's time to share the gory details if it's disturbing your peace and causing you to have stress-related skin conditions? Perhaps your GP could put you in touch with a counsellor?

It's been proven that a secure, healthy relationship in adulthood can go a long way to healing childhood neglect or abuse.

Sorry you've had it so hard and glad you came out the other end in one piece.

No I dont feel normal inside. I act happy and ok when inside i'm pieces. But i cant seem to show how i feel or verbalise it.

I also feel there is a big missing piece of the jigsaw but i just can't seem to recover the memory, I suspect because it's too painful for me to cope with, even now 32 years after the event.

I have had 5 years of counselling already. Think i'll have
to try it again.

I hear you dimsum and know exactly what you mean. It never leaves you. Some of the wackiest stuff I don't think I could ever share, because people are freaked out enough if I mention the milder stuff.
It does make you feel a bit alien IMO.
Sounds like you've been a real survivor though.
I'm back to counseling now after it turned out I hadn't really healed as much as I thought.
Some things can't be brushed away

Counselling is awesome! A place to talk where we don't get gasped at.

It's truly remarkable how we get through such horrific events in one piece.

It's something we ought to pride ourselves on.

Sure though, we'd prefer to not have to go through it all, but we grow and grow and grow and stronger too, as long as we harness that stoicism and stamina.

OP my childhood was awful too for a number of reasons and I try to see it as having taught me empathy and understanding along with being non-judgemental. This has made me a good friend, listener and someone whom others trust.

Sometimes I feel deep resentment about what I went through and how others don't know how lucky they are to have had a 'normal' childhood but I try not to dwell on it too often. I had counselling which really helped me come to terms with what happened but I do feel regret about a missing childhood and loving parents.

My advice would be to go back to counselling and try to continue processing what happened. I think, if you can, speaking up more to your DH about your experiences so they can gain a greater understanding of why you are as you are.

You are a survivor and have done brilliantly to get so far, always remember to tell yourself that. I have to sometimes remind myself that I am so much more resilient than most others because I had to learn to be when I was younger - it is, strangely, a gift.

I wish you well xxx

I often ask myself the same thing.

"I wish it was more visibly obvious I that have grown up without the advantages of loving caring supportive parents which sounds strange i know. But I wish people knew so I didn't have to always try so hard to appear 'normal' when actually I am horribly scarred and damaged inside."

This makes perfect sense! But you should be proud that you have done so well so far.

My counsellor says you can't catch up, but you can grieve your losses and move on in time. I really hope you can do that.