Making Peace With My Mother

[JaniceJordan]

Name changer here.

I have a tricky relationship with my mum. In fact, if it wasn't for the children, I don't think she's be that much a part of my life at all. She is a brilliant grandmother to them though and I appreciate that.

However, I've come to realise that she won't be around forever and I need to make some sort of peace with her. It will be entirely one-sided; there won't be any deep conversations with her or anything. I just need to, in my own mind, put the past behind me and let the present be what it is i.e. stop wanting or expecting anything 'motherly' from her and just appreciate her as a grandmother.

Any tips? I don't want to drip feed but am happy to answer questions. To be honest, I am confused as to what it is I actually need to do, but I know that I cannot continue carrying this anger and resentment around.

I have a similar situation with the additional wrinkle that my DM (a very bright and combative woman) is becoming increasingly confused and forgetful. It's rather forced my hand and although I don't expect to have any deep conversations either, it's changed the dynamic significantly and I'd like to think for the better. Putting myself in the role of mother, revising my expectations and letting the small stuff go the way you would with a child, I find we clash far less than in the past.

I would like more information if that's okay.

I was wondering if you've ever posted on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" pages.

How would you describe the relationship with your mother now compared to that in the past?. Describe "tricky".

What sort of mother is your mother and are you afraid that you're going to be like she is?.

Do you think she is fundamentally the same person now as she was when you were a child?.

Do you think she is actually a good grandmother to your children?.

I also had a difficult relationship with my mother.

You see similar advice on many of these relationships threads, but it's so true, you can't change the other person's behaviour, you can only change how you respond to their behaviour. For me, it was something like a bereavement, letting go of the mother I thought I wanted. I went through the stages - denial, sadness, anger, bargaining, and eventually acceptance.

I didn't do anything in particular, but talking to my friends and my lovely dp helped.

Thanks for your replies, everyone. I definitely feel that it's my behaviour and attitude that I need to change; it certainly won't be hers.

Attila, to answer your questions.

No, I've never been on the stately homes thread, though I have read it extensively and its title resonates with me.

The relationship now vs. the past? Well, it's kind of hard to explain. As a child, things were ok, but as I got older, my parents' relationship deteriorated and they had massive financial troubles. They both drank, but my mum's drinking was out of control. Eventually my dad moved out and my mum became increasingly erratic and aggressive. Her moods were unpredictable. She could be nice, but she could just as easily be awful. She would verbally abuse me and my siblings and, on a couple of occasions, this turned physical. I was 17/18 by this point, so not exactly a child. I probably should have moved out, but I didn't.

I left, eventually, when I was 19. I then moved away (about an hour's train journey.) Between the ages of 19 and 30 (when I had my first baby), my mum came to visit me twice. And that was actually when I first left, so for ten years, she didn't come at all. And that was fine. She lived with boyfriends. I had my life. It was fine.

But once I had children, she wanted to be a bigger part of my life again. She is a good grandmother, insofar as it's not that hard a role!

I think now my children are getting older, I'm finding it increasingly hard to reconcile her past behaviour with her doting grandmother personality now. She won't acknowledge that our past was anything except wonderful, unless she is blaming my dad. She has accused me of making stuff up if I have ever bought up the past. Or she'll talk about how awful it was for her. I gave up trying that approach many years ago.

Do I worry I'll be like her? No. I don't think so.

But, I am bitter. And I hate myself for being bitter. All the really bad stuff happened well over 20 years ago and yet, I just seem to hold on to it.

If you've read that essay, I thank you (and well done!)

I can only give you way of dealing with my mum.
She was an abusive mother and enabled my stepdad to be physically and emotionally abusive.

It took me 20 years (after moving out at 19) to be able to let the past be past. I NEVER speak to her about it, and when she starts, I leave the room/ house. She would never admit to my childhood being anything but wonderful and everything I have experienced wasn't like I said, made up, etc.
For 20 years I have risen to every challenge she put out, fallen for every bit of stirring. We had massive rows just because I thought she will eventually admit it and apologise.

Well, I'm over that need to get an apology or even an admission that my childhood was crap. I have dealt with my needs as a child which weren't met, worked through it, and put it to rest. I don't need her admission because I KNOW it was like I experienced it and not in my imagination. I have always been told this is normal. And one of my earliest memories is the feeling that this is not normal.

We don't talk about things that matter to me but she is an ok grandmother, even if she doesn't see the dc very often as we live abroad. I did warn her when my eldest was a baby that if she ever raised as much as a finger to my children she would never see them again.

In your situation I would try to find out what it is you want from her. If it is an apology, try to find out if you can put this behind you and accept that an apology for what she has done in the past will never materialise. You know she was in the wrong. And you're right, she will not change. People generally don't really change.

Maybe I realised that being bitter was only harming me. Being angry didn't change my past. But I can accept that the past was awful, I did have a bad childhood, my mother wasn't really a mother, and despite all that I am in a wonderful relationship with my dh of 16 years, have 3 lovely dc and have managed to have that even though I didn't have a template for normal relationships or an example of motherly love.

All the best.

Thank you, MrsZimt.

I really don't want or expect an apology. I realised a long time ago that would never happen. I just want to feel less angry. I thought I had put it all behind me, but I clearly haven't.

I thought she had changed, but an incident last year where she was drunk and ended up pushing me against a wall made me realise that she hasn't. It really shocked me, but the next day she said I was just making a fuss about nothing.

I don't know what I'm after really. A magic wand? It's quite helpful to write it all down though in a strange way.

You're after a "normal", non-abusive mum. Sounds like you will never get that.
Tbh I would understand if you cut contact after last year's physical attack. She is still gaslighting and minimising.

I am pretty sure if my mum had displayed any of her aggressive behaviours from my childhood after I left home I would have cut contact. She still managed to hurt me in different, emotionally abusive ways (after telling her my chosen name for dd she went and got herself a dog and gave her that name). She also told me that she would not be surprised if my dh had another woman and left me soon - when I was suffering badly from PND and confided in her how crap I felt.
Sometimes I wonder why I still have contact, but she's far away - and that's good.

TBH, your mum sounds much worse than mine. Aside from the incident last year, my mum is very nice to me. Almost overly nice!

That's why I know it's me that has to change. I feel like I'm clinging on to miserable memories for my own self-pitying reasons.

Oh dear. Now I realise I'm sounding quite mad.

And she had a terrible childhood herself. Much worse than mine. So, part of me feels terribly sorry for her.

Hey, it wasn't meant to be a competition sorry to unload all that in your thread.
Your mum has her own problems, but if she chooses not to deal with them and drown them with alcohol that isn't your problem.
You're not clinging on to memories, it is hard as a child to realise that mummy's behaviour is not caused by you. You only want your parents to love you and when it doesn't happen children always think it's their fault.

You don't sound mad at all

Aw, thanks. You've made me smile and given me lots to think about.

Bloody mothers, eh? If nothing else, at least it's given me a great example of how not to behave toward my children.

Janice, I just wanted to give you some solidarity.

I'd sort of like to make peace with my father. But I don't want my father to know I've made peace with him, if you see what I mean. My feeling is that if I offer an inch, he'll take a mile, and will spin it all around to being my fault and will crow about how I've returned to the fold because I saw the light and he really is a brilliant father after all.

But I want to get rid of the hate and anger, because it's no good for me.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet. Hold off for now, certainly; this is the first time in my life that I've felt safe from him.

Counselling will factor quite soon. I may write a letter. I may even write an open letter and blog it (he's not on the Internet). But I don't know.

I made peace with my mother, although it would have been pointless to tell her. She was extremely negligent after my fathers death, and most of the worry fell on me as the eldest. She was also very self absorbed, and barely noticed others and their issues, even kids. She never changed.

I can't say how it happened- it was a process. I started to see how hard it had been for her too, and also how tricky parenting is. She got her own punishment anyway- she had little control over us as kids, and as adults we all saw little of her, not that she wanted more, but equally she didn't know what she was missing.

I spent a bit more time with her before she died- in her sixties- and had no resentment left. When she died though, I have to admit it bothered me less than I expected by far, and that was 10 years ago.

Hi

Thanks for answering those questions I put to you re your mother.

Re your comment:-
"And she had a terrible childhood herself. Much worse than mine. So, part of me feels terribly sorry for her".

Many people do have rotten childhoods but it is still no excuse or justification for her actions towards you. She did not do anything to overcome her myriad of issues. At heart she has not really changed and certainly has not even begun to accept any responsibility for her own actions here. You have every right to feel short changed and bitter about the whole thing.

How do you siblings get on with her these days?. Or have they cut her off?.

I don't think you sound mad either. You just want a "normal" non abusive mother (as MrsZimt stated) and you simply do not have that.

Counselling for you may be helpful; you need to find a counsellor though that fits with you because they are like shoes!. I would also suggest you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward.

You can only change ultimately how you react to her. You can see her as little as you choose to. I personally would not be seeing her at all given her behaviour but writing that is one thing, actually doing that is quite another.

What may also help you is writing an open letter to your mother putting it all down but NOT sending it. Destroy it after writing.

You say you still feel angry, and ime I think the only solution is to give yourself more time. It's a process, someone else mentioned the stages of grief, and I agree: you have to work through various emotions like denial, anger and sadness, to ultimately reach acceptance.

If you are still angry, then you have not reached acceptance. And that's ok. There's no timetable.

Having said that, being pushed against the wall should make you angry! That's completely unacceptable behaviour. It seems to me that part of the "acceptance" stage for you will be learning to reduce/cut contact, and removing yourself from her presence whenever she is drinking or shows the slightest hint of aggression, and knowing in your heart that it is OK for you to walk away from your mother like that: you are perfectly entitled to set that kind of boundary for your own wellbeing. Let her think of it what she will.

I've just read these two extremely helpful books: The Emotionally Absent Mother and one about narcissistic mothers
I'd really recommend them. Best of luck.