sleep

[gertrudestein]

Not sure if this is a relationships issue or not ...

DH and I have a DS, 11 wks, who is breastfed with the occasional bottle of formula. He wakes for a feed about once every 2 to 3 hrs, with one 4 hr stretch from about 10 to 2. DH and I have an agreement that I go to sleep as soon as I can after 10, to get a good stretch of sleep before the night feeds begin.

I'm really grateful for him for doing this, as it helps me get a good chunk of sleep. He soothes DS to sleep and normally stays up until midnight or 1, and will give DS a bottle if he gets hungry before this time. Then they both come to sleep in our bedroom.

The problem is - that's it! Apparently that gives DH licence to tell me off for making too much noise at night in case it disturbs his sleep (I take DS into another room to feed him). DH regularly gets 10 hrs sleep (he's self employed and starts work late) from midnight to 10am, while I'm up all through the night and most of the morning, tiptoeing around in case I wake him. On weekends DH sleeps in until 1 or 2 in the afternoon to recover from the working week. Occasionally on a Fri or Sat night he 'does me a favour' by staying up to do the 2 o clock feed. Of course this means I get a bit of extra sleep but then DH is knackered all day and has to have a nap in the afternoon and can't help look after the baby. If he asked me, I would always say I'd rather do an extra feed in the night and have some help with the housework, cooking, childcare etc in the afternoon.

I realise that he works hard, and he's very supportive and wants to help. Also, he genuinely needs a lot of sleep. (I've asked him to go to the doctor about the amount of sleep he needs but he doesn't think it's a problem.) In the meantime, I feel a bit abandoned and resentful - all of this sleeping basically just means I have to do absolutely everything else. How can I even things up a bit?

Sorry but he's not 'trying hard' he is taking the piss big time.

Dismissing and belittling you if you express your opinion? Sleeping for 10 hours while you are desperately sleep deprived? Getting annoyed if you disturb him?

You sound so exhausted, he needs to put his big girl panties on and just deal!

Stop being so grateful for the tiny amount of 'help' - its not helping you it's called being a parent! He is not pulling his weight at all here.

Hey, I've done a big job of work in my time and I've also looked after a baby full time - be under no illusions - you are working harder than him during the day.

It makes me when men use going to work as an excuse for leaving the lions share of the childcare to their partner even when they re at home.

My partner is a company director and he took his turn with night wakings (apart from when I used to breastfeeding at night but I learnt to feed lying down and we co-slept) and spent months responsible for any wakings for about half of each night. We are a team.

What a knob..
My 1st dc was a shockingly bad sleeper, but dh had a driving job then so needed to sleep.
So I went to bed before 9, dh did 12 oclock feed& I did any feeds after that. But weekends we both had a sleep in ( & some days that was me asleep for 14 hrs), those sleep ins\ catching up saved my sanity.
Also my parents had dc1 overnight once a month , life savers !

What ? He is working all hours and not pulling his weight with baby but not paying towards the mortgage ?

He's not paying towards the mortgage? It sounds like there are big issues here, sleep being the tip of the iceberg. So far you haven't said anything to convince me he's trying to help, he's just doing the very bare minimum to throw back in your face. Doesn't sound in the least bit supportive. Does he have any truly good points?

So he can stay awake all night - when he wants to. No 'oh I can't possibly work all night, I simply must get my 10 hours'. How about he uses some of that ability to contribute to his child's nocturnal care needs?

Sorry what??

Working all night but not paying the mortgage????
You're paying the mortgage out of savings???
Complained about sleep when you were in labour????

What else are you not telling us???

What does he actually contribute to your life?

Very, very worrying.

Is he taking drugs? Just ask as my C also needed silly amounts of sleep, and to stay up late etc. Turns out it was a side effect from all the cocaine he was taking.

The drugs also "supported" his angry fucker personality. Delightful.

If he's not using, he's simply being this much of an inconsiderate arse all by himself. Special!

I hope you can sort this out. This is one of the huge areas of stress having a new baby brings to a relationship. He's being very selfish.

Sorry - my X not C
Damn phone!

Not paying the mortgage? Why ????????

"I need a lot of sleep".
Sod off, we all need a lot of sleep, I need a lot of sleep but I have a baby and a job and there aren't enough hours in a day. Unless there's something wrong with him, he does not need that much sleep.
And where the hell is his money going?

No one should get 10 hours with a small baby, both parents should be haggard!

Why can't he do the 10 o clock feed and sleep in another room OP?

And you paying the mortgage out of savings while this is going on! That's a whole other level.

ooh gertrude not paying the mortgage either...are you actually me?!! I have started handing DP the baby then saying casually, I'm just going to have a lie down for a minute. It's got me a few hours extra sleep. Worth a try?

If there is no midnight feed any more, then there's no need for either of you to stay up past 10, is there? If he really must have 10 hours sleep a night, then he can make sure he's asleep by 10.30pm and up at 8.30am. If he works for himself he can re-arrange his hours to better suit all of you.
Every single person I know needs more sleep than they actually get. He'll just have to learn to deal with being a bit tired. Does he think you only need 4 hours?
And where is his money going, if he isn't contributing to the mortgage?
And how dare he complain about losing sleep whilst you were in labour!! I'm really with him on your behalf for that.
He's not really helping you with anything at all, to be honest.

Where has op gone ?

I hope she's having a kip ...

I am still paying the mortgage out of my savings because he can't keep his commitment to me that he would contribute.

What? I don't follow this. Why can't he keep his commitment? What is preventing him from paying the mortgage?

The more you tell us Gertrude, the more worried, I am becoming about your life with this man.

Something odd is going on here, I feel.

The more you post the worse it all sounds.
As AF says - very very worrying indeed!

He's pulling a fast one Op. He gets all the sleep he needs, you being in labour was inconvenient to him, he doesn't pay the mortgage.

Huge alarm bells.

He pays lip service to your requests for more help and sounds very patronising.

How about stopping doing his laundry and cooking for him ? Would that have any affect?

So much wrong here.

Who on earth sleeps in til 1/2pm?! Night workers excluded of course.

Fucking hell my dh works 50 hours a week, often till 10.30pm and we still take turns doing the school run when he is home and getting up with our youngest. He'd be embarrassed to be sleeping past 10!!