I think I need to LTB (at least temporarily) Please help me

[ToughestDecisionEver]

Name changed as DH knows my username.

I've just had another shit Sunday (sounds like lots of people have!) and I just don't think I can do this any more. DH can be the loveliest, kindest man in the world, but when things don't go his way the clouds come over and the shouting and swearing start almost immediately.

We had a pathetic row about sandwiches this morning that resulted in him refusing to come out for the day with DS and I. Usually I would smooth things over, placate, persuade and it would all blow over, but today I'd had enough so just took DS for a lovely day and left DH to sulk. I don't want to spend the rest of my life expecting weekends to be ruined. I don't want to ever that look of bewilderment (fear?) on DS's face when daddy storms out and mummy starts crying.

To avoid drip feeding, I also found him on POF a few months ago. We've been to counselling. He swears he didn't do anything, won't ever do anything like that again, loves us, etc, etc, but I just sense that somewhere, sometime, he will cheat. I don't want to spend the next 5, 10, 15 years worrying about that.

I also know (thank you AF and the other straight talkers on this board!) that all of the above suggests he really doesn't respect or care for me and should stop deluding myself. Much as I love him (and I really do love him), I just don't think things are right between us.

So... I think I want to leave. I dream of a little flat with DS and I. I know it will be tough financially, but I think I can just about do it. I have a secure job and supportive family.

This is where it gets tricky: what about DS? He is two. The thought of spending part of the week away from him absolutely breaks my heart, but I know it would break DH's to not have proper access to his son. How do people arrange access agreements? And, honestly, is it detrimental to such a young boy to have split care? Should I keep working at it for a few more years to give him more security?

Sorry, this is already long. I'd appreciate any thoughts

Hi. So sorry you are going through this. Im not going to try and give you loads of advice about wetjer its best to leave or not. Just wanted to let you know that if you did choose to leave, then it can work.
My ds was 1.6 when I left his dad. He was not awful, hes a lovely lovely man bit we just dis not get on, and it wasnt fair to subject himbto all the arguments.
I was a sahm. It was hard financially but it is do-able. I did have to go oj benefits for a while, but only while I got back on my feet.
It did break his dads heart not to see him every day, but we sat down and talked through an access agreement. We decided to be flexible with it aswell as having 2 set days a week where ds would see him. We worked up to him staying over night and now he goes for weds day, weds night and thurs day. Aswell as a couple of hours on a sunday eve. This suits us as its when his dad has time off.
We didnt choose to go through the csa as we agreed ona sum for maintinence based on the csa guidelines.
Ds is fine. He was ever so slightly confused at first, but was genuinley fine within days. He looks forward to having time with his dad, and they now have a better relationship than when we all lived together. Ive found that going on the odd day out together keeps some sense of "normality" or just fimiliarity for ds.
Hes 2.6 now. A happy balanced bloody hard work little boy.
I am now with a new partner. Ds has settled wonderfully and is comfortable with new dp. I know this is not what you are thinking about at the moment but just wanted to give a full, well story I guess.
Whatever you decide to do you will both be fine. Your ds will adapt to whatever situation you choose to be in. Go with what you think is best for the both of you. Good luck with everything x

So sorry about all the typos. On my phone in the dark teying and failing to gwt ds to sleep!

Thank you. I'm crying reading your reply. I'm not sure if it's relief because this has worked for someone else or sadness because I think a split is becoming inevitable. I really do love him. And hate him.

I do actually wish I'd left a year ago. I think it would have been less confusing for DS then. Or maybe he just wouldn't have been able to communicate his confusion so well...?

I dont think the year will make a vast amount of difference. At least now you will beable to explain to him whats really going on. If hes talking then that will make it easier.
Tbh I know it sounds silly, but I dont think you will ever stop loving him as the father of your xhild and a part of your family.
If im brutaly honest I had to take a step back and just think.....if it wasnt for ds would I still be here? In this relationship? My answer was no.....
I am a firm believer that you should do everything to protect your childeren, but if the relationship is based on sticking around for the sake of the kids, its not setting a good example. Thats just my opinion though.

Do you want to save things with him? Is there any way you could tslk to him and tell him how close you are to going? Maybe that would bring about some changes.....

Thank you

I was going to talk to him tonight, but he's snoring away upstairs while I watch Downton

My parents are away next month, so I think I'm going to suggest that I move in there while they're away and see how we get on living separately and working out access between us.

That sounds like a good plan. Try it, see how you get on. In a few months you may find that you just cant be without him, or that you are happy jist you and ds.
Before you go make sure you work out all the finances. Luckily I didnt have a mortgage with xp so it was easier in that sense. Will he get funny? If so, I know it sounds so cold and calculated but have a chat to a solicitor or someone who knows what they are talking about when it comes to what you are entitled too.
One bit of advice someone gave me.....write yourself a letter. How you are feeling now. Everything thats good and bad. What needs to change etc. It hwlped me so mich when I looked back on it. 3 weeks after we split I was ready to go running back because all I could think of was the good times. Seeing what a state I was in, the desperation for a different life, it helped me make my decision.
Im sorry if thats really crap advice, just going with what I know helped me. Its easy to look back with rose tinted glasses after weeks of an empty bed....
I really am sorry you are going through this though. Its so hard especially with a toddler. You really will both befine. I hope you get the outcome you want!

Ok the empty bed bit was not meant to sound so dodgy. Haha. I didnt mean it like that. :)

Hahah. No, I know what you mean by the empty bed bit. I bloody hate sleeping on my own

I really don't know whether he'd get funny re finances. There's a hell of a lot to sort out (house we own but rent, various loans, insurances, etc) and I'm truly crap at sorting admin type things. I don't think he'd deliberately screw me over, but if he got it into his head that he deserved something then he's so stubborn that he'd not back down.

Month by month I could manage without maintenance etc, but I'd really struggle if I got lumbered with more costs than I currently have iyswim.

So maybe the 'moving out for a bit' wouldn't work, unless I'd seen a solicitor first?

Oh, and thank you for the letter suggestion. I've actually been keeping a diary for the last few months. I wanted some record of the shit times in case I needed to convince myself (or, cynically, a court) of how crap things can be.

Maybe it would be best to just nipe to a solicitor ( half hour free consultation) and just see where you stand. Could you get away to do that before your parents go away? Like you say hopefully he wont gwt funny.....but if he does you will be best to go through the csa so tjat if you are landed with more costs, this should hopefully cover them. Not saying thats the way to go, just tjat if he did get funny then theres a safety net there.
Would you stay in the house if you were to split up? Just something to think about if you are trying out access etc. Xdp always had ds at the house we shared previously until he got himself togwther....and incidentally moved in with his mother. :/
Details I know, but if you are going to go for the trial seperation and not be swayed you will need a bloody good plan of attack. Lol.

And kudos for keeping a diary. I start one every uear and manage about 3 entries :)

We live in rented accommodation at the moment (but own somewhere else... long story!) so would both move into new flats. If we were to split I think I'd probably go to my parents initially, but would want to leave asap, and he'd stay here until our notice period on the house was up (only 6 weeks I think). This would just be more practical - he has no relatives locally. I think I'd then move to a village about ten miles from current home (closer to work and family) and he'd stay where we are now (cooler, busier location).

No kudos deserved for the diary - I've managed a few lines every now and again - usually when things are shit.

Thank you again for your help.

Definitely see a solicitor and get all the information in place. And stop feeling guilty - this man is a knob and not worthy of your time. He tantrums when he doesn't get his own way and has demonstrated that he would be quite happy to have sex with other women if he felt like that - he basically considers that you are his inferior: something between a household appliance and a pet, because you do not have a penis and only someone with a penis is an actual human being.

Oh dear. I just woke grumps up by laughing out loud at sgb's post. Which is weird, as it was more depressing than funny.