How do I help DD's

[toothgenie]

Exh had contact with DD's (11 &14) today. The 11yo said in the course of conversation that she felt sorry for the Queen because she had no choice about her life. This obviously hit a nerve as he started saying that they weren't able to understand, because they weren't clever enough. That she had a priviledged life. He seemed to loose the plot completely when they countered his argument with sensible adult reasoning. Resulting with him shouting aggressively 'He could see why people didn't want children' When he'd reduced them to tears he then said that he didn't care if he saw them in the future but it was their choice. He has threatened not to see them during these outbursts.

The 14yo said she ever wanted to see him again but the 11yo doesn't know yet (she loves him but doesn't like him.) He drove back in an erratic way.

He has a history of losing his temper, which is why he's an ex. There have been other occasions like this in the past where the girls have been scared by him. I have always tried to encourage contact because I hoped it would be a positive experience. However, he is beginning to treat them the way he treated me. I think they're old enough to make their own mind up about contact, but I really feel I need to stand up to him and make the decision for them.

What I'm asking for is how to support the girls they're understandably very upset and torn. Has anyone experience that could help us?

You are right about making the decision. It's not fair to ask your DDs to make it. I see this as a straightforward protection matter... he's bullying and frightening them, he is an aggressive person, and you simply can't allow that. Tell them you think it would be a good idea if they didn't go see him for a while because of his behaviour. My guess is that the 14yo will be totally happy with it and the 11yo will feel relieved that it's been taken out of her hands. Suggest they keep in touch with phone-calls in the meantime if they want to.

Thank you, that's the way I was leaning myself. He's sent a text to the 14yo saying he's sorry but he's in agony with his back. He'd use any excuse to justify his behaviour.

Adults can be in pain and not shout such hurtful things at their children. Poor kids.
Supervised visits?

What a fucking shit. They're at the age where they're getting minds of their own and he can't cope, diddums. I'm sure you'll do everything to protect them from what you had to go through. It'll be tough.

Op the replies already given have said it all really. He has no right to not allow the DD's to express themselves. He doesn't have to agree with them and he can respond as to why. What he did was abusive and controlling and it sounds like it is not the first time.
It is good they have recognised this and if you had not agreed that it was wrong to have done that I think it would have been damaging to them. I agree that especially for the 11 year old it is a descion they should not have to make alone but they may not know they have the choice to say no to going, so you are not stopping contact entirley but they are not having the full responsiblity of the descion as they have your opinion and advice and support and love.

Thanks for all the replies. I have stressed to the 11yo that it wasn't her fault for having an opinion and expressing it politely. They've been rocked again by his behaviour. As the eldest said when she was about 10 'I really want to love him but he makes it so hard' Says it all really. Time for me to step up I think.