Twice divorced! Why do I always get it so wrong with men?

[ClementineKelandra]

I seperated from xh 12 months ago and we're just going through the divorce now. I ended the marriage and its definately over for good. This is my second divorce!

How do I find the right person? With each of my x's I found myself in a marriage where their behaviour was unacceptable, abusive even :( . I just don't understand why I always get it so wrong!

I'd really appreciate some feedback/advice please

Anyone?

Is therapy an option for you? It might help you get to the bottom of your choices, and help you change them.

It's common to fall into the same patterns when choosing a long term partner. The Freedom programme addresses these issues & helps you to recognise the (often subtle) signs before you get sucked in too deeply. As you said, some of the behaviour was abusive, so it sounds perfect for you.
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

I am not an expert by any means but I think there are complex reasons why some women are drawn to men who treat them badly. Especially if they had difficult experiences in childhood. They may have a strong desire to look after their man, or feel that with enough love the unreasonable behaviour will change. For some women decent kind men might appear boring because they are drawn to the excitement of a volatile unpredictable relationship.
Someone told me to read a book called Women who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood, which I found helped me to understand what was going on for my friend.

Hi Clementine. I am also twice divorced... I am not a good judge of character and in both cases I did not stick it out when things became difficult. The idea of a LTR (would not marry again as I own properties which I want to go to my children) is good only in the abstract. My single life is highly enjoyable - youngest now at university so I am happily pleasing myself. I can do the nurturing, caring stuff but I save that for the children.

You must have had a very difficult year. Do you have friends, interests, work that absorbs you? Concentrate on those and if a man comes along, great! If not, you need a plan B for a different kind of fulfilment. Some people have success online but just read some of the threads here for the horrors.

Hope that once your divorce is over you can plan a future.

A have a very good friend who had 2 failed marriages (both men were losers) and she was so disillusioned. However, she has been married to her third for 5 years now and is incredibly happy!!!! She met him on a dating website, btw!!

Don't give up hope, you never know when you might meet the right one....

I think as woman stereotypically keep themselves groomed before marriage and let themselves go so to speak, I think it's fair to say some men hide their asshole selves until they feel they've got their woman. How many times have we read on MN how a soulmate became a monster?

Yes it may be worth looking to yourself to see if you go for a more complicated character, but bear in mind it could just be bad luck. They're not all assholes I promise :)

I think you're just unlucky. There are a lot of abusive people in the world, sadly, and you happen to have met two of them. Unfortunately, there's no law says they have to walk around with 'abusive arse' printed on their t-shirt and, equally unfortunately, if you've experienced a bad one it can skew your perception. The next one off the rank that doesn't treat you quite so badly can seem like a saint by comparison.

The Freedom Programme might help you spot them quicker. I rather like this article which points out some of the more common early-warning signs.

So don't get back on the hunt for 'the right person' for a while. Enjoy your independence and take some time to learn from your experiences.

Thank you. That's all really helpful. I'll definately have a look at the freedom programme.

It has indeed been a difficult year but I'm feeling a lot stronger than I have in years. I do keep myself busy with the dc and voluntary work. I have no family around but I have one or two close friends. I've also had support from women's aid who have been amazing.

I still find it hard to see that 2nd x is a bad person. He has hurt me in the worse possible way but my heart still keeps saying he didn't mean it. I'm having to keep reminding myself about what exactly he did. Im trying to judge him by his actions instead of by the charming, caring front he puts on.

Just looking at the freedom programme and it talks about bullying. See x wasn't like that, he didn't control me or put me down. He was really supportive, helped me with the kids, took care of me when I had pnd. I put him through a lot but he was always there for me. It's just one or two occasions where his behaviour towardse me was abusive. The rest of the time he was a really decent guy.

I'm so confused.

Bullying, controlling or abusive behaviour takes many forms. Emotionally abusive people are very skilled at making their victim feel cared for because it creates dependency and trust. They are charming and pleasant as long as the victim is toeing the line. Step out of line and the 'punishment' (and that can be anything) is bad enough to deter a repetition. They excuse the bullying with ideas like 'I only acted that way because I love you so much and you make crazy'... (I'm just guessing here.) The point being that the victim thinks this is just a one-off 'out of character' thing from this nice person, not realising that they are being trained/groomed to behave a particular way.

" I put him through a lot but he was always there for me"

See here? Did you put him through a lot really or did he turn it around that because he'd been there for you, you 'owed him' in some way? A decent man supports and expects nothing in return. An emotional bully sees it as leverage.

The problem is that 'one or two occasions of abusive behaviour' = an abusive man. An non-abusive man is never abusive.

There are as many different ways of being abusive as there are people.

It's a shame that he messed up his otherwise good behaviour, but he always had the moral choice.

When tell yourself he 'didn't mean it' - perhaps you have difficulty accepting the negativity in the world & feel that evil must be unintentional, or perhaps you still feel slightly in denial that you could have misjudged him. Either way, if he didn't mean it he wouldn't have done it.

I did put him through an awful lot. Real ill for a couple of years after having Dc 3. I had to be admitted to psychiatric hospital for a short time. He had to come home from work many times because I couldn't cope :( and he did it all without complaint.

"perhaps you have difficulty accepting the negativity in the world & feel that evil must be unintentional,"