I fucked up again

[ifuckedupagain]

Shiny new name for this.

I need advice about how on earth to break out of my awful relationship habits.

Briefly:

Narc mum, rotten first-ever bf, various none too successful relationships, one not great marriage - now ended, one horrendous unrequited love - nothing happened except lots of misery and two lovely kids.

I've had an on-off FWB thing going for about 18 months. It's pretty sporadic and would never turn into a 'real' relationship. I thought it was just what I needed and it was at the beginning.

But I've just fucked that up by being too needy, too many times (sending shitty texts when he doesn't respond to mine quickly enough, after not being able to take my eyes off my phone). I can't just feel like I'll take it or leave it.

Before anyone tells me I've been an arse, I know.

I can't help myself. If someone's nice to me I think I'm being played (along with other women), if they don't communicate when I want them to I think they are avoiding me. If I feel sure of them I'm bored and don't respect them.

I've tried to work it out and the bottom line is that I'm expecting to be ill-treated and get hurt so I end up being appalling and it's a self fulfilling prophecy. And then I'm filled with regret and self hatred.

I think the FWB thing was all I thought I could handle (the idea of falling in love fills me with horror) but I can't even manage that without making a complete mess of it.

I'm sure what I'm describing will ring a few bells. But has anyone out there actually managed to do something about it?

Thanks for PM. Now understand why I was hassled about it as was totally in the dark hence the anxiety x

'Maybe it's not possible to have regular great sex with someone and be friends with them and make it work. At some level I think the problem is that he just doesn't 'get' that I don't want to be with him, he treats me as if he is worried I'm going to want more than FWB and I don't. Deep down he doesn't really mean a huge amount to me, though I like him and fancy the pants off him.'

With that level of denial OP, you need to talk to someone professional. Seriously. Who are you kidding? Mumsnet? Or yourself?

You are deep deep deep into a nasty game that YOU are perpetuating and YOU are helping keeping going. And now you want to play that game here.

This interaction is an addiction.

FWB is an attempt of self-protection through distance and 'rules', and as you are finding, it doesn't work.

How about learning to be fully human, risk, be vulnerable, choose someone who will respect that, instead?

I'm not really clear how that paragraph you quote is different from your analysis of FWB in your last paragraph.
It's just an illustration of it, isn't it?
I don't think it's denial - denial of what, exactly?

And I don't understand what 'game' I'm'trying to play' on here, either.

Check out the Baggage Reclaim website here . You probably won't like some of it. It may be a bit too close to home but please give it a look. And, perhaps, be without a man for a bit?