I've made a decision

[PTFsWife]

I am going to turn his affair into the best thing that ever happened to our relationship. If he hadn't had his affair, I am sure that we would have continued our non- communicative relationship until the kids left home and then stared at each other over cold toast and thought: why the fuck am I still here?

It is still early days. We have about a billion hurdles to jump, but I know that I do not want to be a divorce statistic. We used to love each other. I believe we can again.

So to all those women out there being told to LTB, before you do, think about whether it isn't worth giving your best to fix it first. I may well be back in months or years saying that I tried and failed. But I am not going to walk out on my vows without a fight. The fact that he wants to fight for us to will make it easier.

I am posting this purely so that I feel as though I am shouting my intention to the world. Keeping it to myself seems quiet and easier to escape from later.

I am now a bit concerned about your approach - surely he will be doing the vast majority of the hard work? working on himself and changing, showing transparency, going to therapy, reading and doing everything else that is required to help you recover? As others have said - he chose to have an affair instead of talking to you because he is selfish and entitled.

Please remember that you are only 50% responsible for the issues in the marriage.

And please don't class his affair as a "mistake" - it is/was far more than this, a massive betrayal consisting of several decisions designed to serve his own needs, putting his own career at risk and with no regards to his marriage, wife and family.

Fully supportive of you OP. You've laid out a plan and want things to work out for you both and have a positive attitude which is key.

Good luck.

I hope he is genuinely as invested in this as you are - he has a very long way to go to prove that though, just saying it, means nothing.

95% of people who had the affair say those things - then decide it's 'too hard' or that 'we have talked about this enough, it's time to put it in the past' & are reluctant to put the effort in/be accountable for their actions.

Him feeling bad about it - is not him doing whatever it takes to make it work going forward.

You are, at the moment, in the honeymoon period where everything seems possible and like a new start... it's a nice place to be, but sadly, it's generally followed by a large crash back down to reality.

I genuinely hope that it isn't that way for you, but please don't fool yourself into thinking that many of us who mostly say LTB haven't already been where you are and found out the hard way that it's not always possible, just because you want it.

... and YES make it very clear to him that divorce IS an option - saying is NOT a good idea.

Yes, you certainly have a choice about how you react. You can't choose your feelings though and I think you are doing a bit of hysterical bonding and also trying to force your heart to follow your head.

IME unless you feel you can forgive and move forward there is little point trying to force yourself to forgive and move forward and that is something I think you know pretty immediately.

I also think the reasons you make your choice have a massive impact on ultimate happiness too. Forcing a relationship on beyond it's life expectancy because you don't want to divorce like you imply you are doing is not likely to result in a happy marriage even if it results in a marriage.

I hope it doesn't end up being like flogging a dead horse because you seem to be putting a lot of effort in.

And I know you probably both want to view the affair as a mistake but I think it would be far more useful to think of it as a choice.

It is highly unlikely that a full blown long lasting affair was a mistake. Calling it such allows it to be conveniently minimised. Reality is, it was a series of choices and desires etc on your husband's part.

I don't think having divorce as an option is a defeatist attitude. It's realistic. There's a reason why adultery provides instant grounds for divorce, you know.

I think affairs are a lot to do with power, disrespect and control. All the time he was getting away with this, he had power and control over your life without you even knowing that's what was happening.

If you take away your power to divorce him and let him know it's unthinkable, what incentive does that give? The power dynamics have got distorted in recent times. In any good relationship they need to be equalised, so don't throw away that power lightly or unthinkingly. Like I said, even if he does everything in text-book fashion, you might not be able to forgive completely.

I understand why you have chosen this path and I acknowledge your optimism.
But I agree with Jan this his affair was not just "a mistake." And if I recall correctly, he only told you about it (and ended it) because he was facing a serious disciplinary at work over it, faced losing his (and your familys') livelihood, and you were about to find out anyway?
That said, I do honestly wish you well.