I don't know if never arguing has just bitten us on the bum.

[WorldPeaceAndFreeProsecco]

DH and I have been together for about seven years.

We have literally never argued, raised voices, sworn at each other. If anything, I'm more likely than him to be a bit snappy and then apologise.

So, this morning, DH had been out until 1am (work not fun) and then DS2 was playing silly buggers so was in our bed. DH then got up with him at 6am, he often does this as he's much better at early mornings than me and generally doens't mind.

I woke up to DS1 coming in at 8am crying because DH had said he couldn't have a doughnut for breakfast. Usually that would have been absolutely right, but I had said last night that he could have it, so I got up to let DH know.

I came into the kitchen to say, no, it's fine, we'd talked about this last night, and DH went off on one a bit, said 'if he'd have eaten his fucking dinner last night I might have been more agreeable' and started slamming around the kitchen, banging down his plate and the butter etc. This is SO out of character for him, btw, he is very gentle and placid.

I said, please don;t bang around like that. And he said, 'i'll do what the fuck I like, everyone else does' and stormed out.

I burst into tears, he came straight back in, grabbed me in a hug and started apologising and then we both had a big cry and I told him to go back to bed for a bit and get more sleep.

But this was all ridiculous. We need to be able to be ratty and bad tempered without it being a massive overreaction on both sides, I mean, bursting into tears because he was snappy with me? Him feeling like he has to spend the rest of the day apologising?

If you are conflict free in your marriage, how would this have gone down in your house? Past relationships on both our parts have been abusive and shouty and even violent so we do both make conscious efforts to be lovely to each other, not in a treading on eggshells way, just that we don't take our shit out on each other.

But now I'm concerned that we don;t have any kind of coping structure for when either of us DOES lose our rag a bit.

I might be overthinking it a bit, I'm tired and menstrual, but I wondered what you all thought?

I think it takes practice to learn how to argue nicely with someone
DH and I rarely argue but we do disagree sometimes, I suppose we are not on eggshells and speak to each other with respect
IMHO knowing you can have a disagreement without it being a deal breaker is vital

God that was a very long and very rambly post.

My mum & Dad never argue and so the scenario would have played out the same way. In fact I suspect one if the reasons they never argue is that she's quite thin skinned and easily upset. Would drive some people nuts but luckily not my dad who's v easy going.

Dh & I are bickerers but it works for us and we don't get upset or bear grudges.

I think your hug & make up was good and fine if it works for you on the few occasions you argue.

Thank you for replying.

We do disagree, often we just don't do arguing. It threw me when he snapped, and obvs threw him as well. Horrible.

You have to learn how to argue.
Keep it to the point,
don't be rude,
and don't bring up stuff from other arguments.

Also have a heart to heart every week, to see how the other person is. This is non negotiable time.

The trouble is, never arguing or snapping has turned what shoudl have been a very minor snap and gripe into something we both felt awful about all morning.

Perhaps we'd be better off being snipey bickerers after all.

Yes, we do that, most nights in fact, we do spend lots of 'quality' time together and talk about how we are.

I think what's happening is not that your relationship is conflict-free but that everything is being suppressed. In abusive relationships you often find one person being a bully and the other constantly capitulating, not allowed to express themselve. It leads to extreme stress. That's not what's going on here - no-one is a bully - but you're both capitulating and that isn't healthy. The excessively emotional reaction is because no-one is expressing themselves and therefore can't cope with even a minor disagreement.

It's communication really. Find a way to talk to each other constructively, not simply about what you do like about each other but what you'd like to change. There will be things.... Don't leave it to heated moments.

That's the way it would have gone in our house as well.

We've been together for 8 years and have only ever had 2 big arguments, about big things. We don't bicker, at all. Occasionally I snap at him, then apologise, very, very rarely he snaps at me and then apologises profusely because I burst into tears (because it's so unusual - I'm not normally a crier unless I have PMT).

I think for us, we just don't argue, and that's a happy place to be. It sounds like that's normally a happy place for you to be as well. You hugged and made up, you sent him back to bed to catch up on some well needed sleep. You sound perfectly normal to me.

You can feel crap about a minor snap & gripe for ages even if you do it frequently - DP and I have realised we have slipped into bickering far too much, and it's not good. You don't get used to it, you just have a higher background level of stress going on all the time, which is corrosive.

To me it sounds like you have a lovely relationship, much more restful to avoid unnecessary aggro and sounds like you work hard to keep it that way.

Ah, thanks.

Didi, your relationship sounds the same as ours. I generally wouldn't have it any other way. Just having a bit of a wobblle, I guess.

We are very similar. DH and I never argue, mostly because I am completely non confrontational. He tends to let things build up and then he gets snappy and I tend to immediately cry.
I try to now recognise the signs before this happens so at least I know it's not about me and I can stop taking it personally. It can help to just dataset calm, explain his treatment of you is unfair and ask what it's really about. That is REALLY difficult when you feel you have been snapped at unfairly.
Additionally, I tend to allow resentment build up about silly things (we have a ten month old so he generally gets more sleep than me because I work part time etc). I try to have a conversation about this stuff before it has simmered for a while- as in "I'm feeling quite pissed off because..."

I'm not saying my relationship is perfect but I guess our way is just to try and communicate before you get to that point. It doesn't always work but I'm not sure you can teach yourself to argue!

That's a good point mirai. Our 2 big arguments came at times of particular stress for both of us. So is he stressed about something he hasn't told you about yet? Or maybe a lack of sleep might be taking it's toll? I know I'm more snappy than usual when I've not had enough sleep, and it sounds like he had around 5 hours last night, that wouldn't be enough for me or dp.

Nah, it was just the lack of sleep, he was gigging until 1 which is hard going anyway, and DS2 has been up in the night all week so it's been a build up of sleepless nights for both of us.

I think after only four or so hours sleep, you have to expect someone to be a bit short-tempered and unable to "argue nicely". I don't think arguing is necessarily a problem, sulking is awful though.