Struggling please help

[Lovevhate]

I'm sat in my car trying to fight the urge to start it up and drive it into something so I can get some peace. I've hurt myself. And I hate myself so much. Had a huge row for hours last night and this morning with special and I feel so ill. The only thing keeping me going is my dd. I have two failed marriages behind me. I am a fuck up. Do said so many awful things to me. I haven't given him any intimacy lately as I am struggling to cope with some of the things he has done. I feel like my life will never get better because I'm so damaged. I feel weird and spaced out. Please help.

The person to hurt is 'DO' (DH? DP?) not yourself. The source of the pain is him, not you. A failed marriage is not a 'fuck up' it's just a sad fact of life that affects adult human beings by the thousand every year.

Why do you feel you have to cope with his behaviour? Why do you think you are obliged to be intimate with someone that causes you such anquish? Are you damaged... or are you a survivor? What's stopping you getting this person out of your life?

I'm damaged and a survivor. I've pulled myself together yet again for the time being.

I know I can be hard work. So many issues. Dp is great in so many ways. I can be a cold fish and it's driven him mad over the years. He has never laid a finger on me.

Pulling yourself together but leaving the source of the problem in place just means a repeat performance. Can you get shot of the this man that has done awful things?

He may never have laid a finger on you but you're contemplating suicide because of these awful things he's done and said. I don't call that a 'great DP'. Are you a cold fish and difficult with everyone or are you just with the wrong person?

I haven't given him any intimacy lately as I am struggling to cope with some of the things he has done.

Can you explain a bit more about this?

He has said some very hurtful things. Can be a bit aggressive when he's upset although this has improved. He gets very spiteful and the things he says cut me deeply as they play into my fears. I feel so hopeless. My life always goes this way. It must be me at the bottom of it all. I must be poison.

Please don't blame yourself for the way men have treated you.

They are at fault, not you.

A man who is aggressive & says horrible things to make you feel worse, deliberately playing on your fears is not a 'great DP', he's a bully. Just because it has happened before, it doesn't mean you're actively choosing this kind of person. You're just unlucky.

A question for you. Since you were old enough to start dating, what's the longest you've been without some kind of partner in your life?

Cogitation about a year. I've just made it very clear to him that this is last chance saloon. One more episode and it's over. He has accepted this.

Cogito not cogitation!

Why not tell him to step out now? Why 'one more chance'? Read your original message again... that's a woman driven to the very edge by someone else's behaviour. Why capitulate and go back for more of the same?

I'm scared

I've been called worse than Cogitation :)

Scared of...?

Scared of being on my own. Scared of what would happen if I said anything to him. He would be gutted.

How is being on your own more scary than sitting in your car feeling physically sick, depressed, angry and wanting to drive into a wall? What would actually happen if you said you'd had enough and asked him to leave? Why is him being 'gutted' more important than you not wanting to live any more.... when did you get relegated to #2 in your own life?

Be independent and you get all the peace you can handle...

Cogito is offering excellent advice, but I just wanted to say, as others have suggested, you probably think suicidal thoughts and feel this way because of him.

We're often scared of things and have a fear of the unknown, but the actual situation is far less scarey ie. being on your own. It's liberating. You are NOT responsible for the way he feels, you have a duty to two people; you and your DD. And you are NOT a fuck up. Most people make mistakes/have bad relationships at some point in their lives.

If you feel 'My life always goes this way', then you can change it (you just don't feel like you can at the moment as you're in a bad place..). Please get some RL help & support and please be kind to yourself.