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Original poster

Affair

13 replies

LD68 · 22/09/2013 10:08

I am new to this so if you could bear with me that would be great. But i really need some advice. About 3 weeks ago I found out from DD that DP of 23 years was seeing someone. I confronted him he said he had strong feelings for OW said it was just a platonic friendship but promised to end it, which he did by text in front of me. He received a scathing text from her, which opened his eyes to what she was really like. We decided to split up. About 10 days ago he told me he wanted to make another go of it with me. We talked & we agreed not to throw what we had away. I believe what he has had is an emotional affair. He agreed to answer any questions I had. He said he didn't really love her but found her really easy to talk to. He said it was me he always loved me & he doesn't want anything more to do with her. But now he won't talk at all as I've been rather tearful over it & he says he feels too guilty at what effect it's had on me. I need to know where we went wrong I think part of it was he felt he couldn't talk to me. & now he won't talk as in his mind its all over & we should move on. I feel like I can't trust him now & I need constant reassurance. I'm worried that as he won't talk to me he will go back to OW. Can someone please advise me? Thank you.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/09/2013 10:26

'We' didn't go wrong. 'He' has made some bad decisions based on 'his' wishes so I think you'd be mistaken to take any of the blame on yourself. If he felt he couldn't talk to you, that's entirely his perception. He's not talking to you now 'because you're tearful' Hmm and that seems very callous to me.

What you need now is honesty. We all need friends to share things with and I'm sure, if he'd been honest rather than deceptive, this would have had a different outcome. I think you know that no woman gets that upset at losing someone who is just a friend. Cheats invariably try to get away with a half-truth to start with. Have the courage to dig deeper ... you deserve more than to be someone's second choice.

Original poster
LD68 · 22/09/2013 10:44

Hello thank you for your prompt reply. I know it wasn't a sexual affair as he has erectile problems due to medication for high blood pressure. I'm sure it was just emotional. He said that it was just friendship he wanted & she never discussed any feelings she had or didn't have for him. I don't if that is the truth or not. He has agreed to go to couples counselling so maybe the truth will come out then. Thank you again.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/09/2013 10:55

A sexual relationship is not necessarily confined to PIV. An emotional affair can be extremely intense - as her reaction to being dropped testifies.

str8tothepoint · 22/09/2013 11:26

Hmm you had to find out from your DC not even from him? You caught him off guard about it, how long was it going on for?

JoinYourPlayfellows · 22/09/2013 11:34

"now he won't talk as in his mind its all over & we should move on"

He's a selfish prick.

It's all about him - HE feels too upset by your tears, HE feels to guilty to talk about what happened, HE thinks it's all over, HE thinks you should move on

Look, he cheated on you.

So you get to call the shots now. If you want to talk about it, then if he's sorry and serious about repairing things, he talks about it.

If he just expects you to forget about what he's done and go back to a relationship where it's all about what he wants, just tell him to do on.

You could always find a nice man without ED to have a fulfilling sexual relationship with.

YoniMatopoeia · 22/09/2013 11:37

He won't talk to you because you are tearful? In other words he doesn't want to actually acknowledge the pain he has caused.

And its all over now? Well it isn't is it? If you haven't moved on (understandably) then he should be working harder. Not shutting you out.

str8tothepoint · 22/09/2013 12:35

Also you say she had not shown him any emotion or love, why would she bother sending back a txt message?? Sorry but your grasping onto anything to make him not be the man you never thought he would be.

CoffeeTea103 · 22/09/2013 12:40

I think you need to face up to the cold hard facts here, he had an affair. You say only emotional which is sometimes seen as more devastating than sexual. How do you even know it was just emotional. Also for him to come home every day, look at you, lie to you, knowing he is betraying you and then carry on as if all is normal , isn't that very worrying? Also if your dd hadn't told you how do you know how long it would have gone on for.
He cheated, would you ever trust that not to happen again

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 22/09/2013 13:11

If closeness comes as series of stepping stones, each represents another boundary overcome. This may have been "just" an emotional as opposed to physical but not really having loved her sounds alarming.

At what point might it have progressed? Was this woman an octogenarian who happened to be a good listener? A double for Nanny McPhee? Somehow I doubt it. If she is now consigned to history was she the only one?

What apart from DD finding out and telling you, has changed in his life so he no long needs to reach out to a stranger?

Incidentally I feel sorry for your DD having to weigh up what to do.

He isn't entitled to close down all discussion about this episode because it hurt you and he feels guilty. Well, how did he think you'd react to hearing he was setting up secret assignations?

I don't know what you will accomplish at counselling if he's already decided it's done and dusted and he won't speak of it.

Tonandfeather · 22/09/2013 14:01

Why would erectile problems prevent this being a sexual affair? You can still have sex without an erect penis.

Although I bet you're going to say that you went without completely just because he couldn't get it up.

If so, well what a selfish man this is. You have to put up with his sexual dysfunction, while he puts it about elsewhere and puts your daughter in the horrible position of having to tell her mum she's being cheated on.

Why is he still there? Why has he made all the decisions so far? Including the one about silence?

Original poster
LD68 · 22/09/2013 14:56

Thankyou for all your comments. Each of you have made a valuable point. Most of which i hadnt thought of. It looks like I've got some serious thinking to do. Thanks again

OP posts:
honey86 · 22/09/2013 15:15

you sound like such a rational person op. i do hope it works out for you x

Fairenuff · 22/09/2013 19:50

You need to talk this over some more with him. You will probably still have some unanswered questions. Also, you will be looking for more reassurance from him.

You should feel free to talk about it as much and as often as you like. He doesn't get a say in this, I'm afraid. He's had his fun, now he has to face the consequences.

If he won't talk then it's not worth continuing the relationship because you will never get past this.

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