How not to be jealous of sisters/brother?

[Nohighflier]

Have NC for this as I'm ashamed of my feelings - feelings of envy/jealousy of my sisters and brother. I'm posting this because I want to know if anyone else has a similar situation but can manage their feelings better than me.

Two sisters and a brother have all 'made good' in their lives and have successful high flying professions - work in city/banking/international business etc. One sis no longer needs to work as she married someone even richer and she seems to lead a charmed life - floating round with 'ladies who lunch' and taking her DCs to polo matches and pony club. One sis also married with DCs but working and her DCs have a v privileged life with two holiday homes and an enormous main family home too (think swimming pool, tennis court and land). Brother also happily married and 'loaded' with DCs at top schools and a wife who runs his life so he can keep up all his old hobbies.

All three have nannies, housekeepers, loads of support and basically a very different life than mine.

I'm a single mum with three gorgeous but v difficult DCs - one with SN and two teenagers who fight constantly. I work f/t but in a job that pays a fraction of what my siblings earn. Every day is a struggle to juggle housework, DCs and job and I'm constantly feeling overwhelmed - although not actually depressed - just stressed. Ex partner not been on the scene for several yrs and never contributed to DCs in any way - financial or otherwise (long story) (48 now) and I've got no support at all and have had none the whole time really that the DCs have been growing up.

My feelings of envy for my siblings have increased as I've got older and can see a life ahead of me of just work and managing DCs and nothing else. My sisters and brother will all be able to rest/retire/part-retire shortly and have years and years of just enjoying the luxuries they've accrued across their lives. Bro and one sis have already bought flats for their growing DCs, cars, ponies etc etc. It's just a different world to what I can provide for my DCs.

I think my jealousy has grown as I've got older and more exhausted but most of all because my DCs have seen what their cousins' lives are like and what they've got and sometimes complain to me that I should have done a different kind of job or worked harder so they could have more, like their cousins. We feel like the 'poor relatives' and this has increased as all the DCs of the next generation have got older.

I try to focus on what we HAVE got - which is a lot of love and affection for each other - but this is increasingly diluted by teenage hormones making daily rows a regular thing and family life increasingly strained. I know I could be a better mum if I didn't have to work so hard but we can't survive unless I carry on at least fulltime until I'm well into my seventies.

What's a good antidote to jealousy? I always thought it was trying to achieve what you see others having themselves and putting energy into this but I have to accept that I'm never going to have the lifestyle and easier latter years as my sibs., no matter what I do - unless I win the lottery. Has anyone experienced this kind of thing too but managed to overcome that very unhelpful and pretty useless feeling of envy?

I think the best antidote to jealousy is to remind yourself that, no matter how charmed someone's life seems on the outside, there's invariably something they'd like to change about it or some insecurity/failing you're unaware of. From the small amount you've written I may be being unfair to draw this conclusion, but I don't think very much of siblings that have lots of cash in the bank and multiple homes but are content to let their sister live without any support. Have you ever asked for their help?

"my DCs have seen what their cousins' lives are like and what they've got and sometimes complain to me that I should have done a different kind of job "

Incidentally... for this one, I hope you kicked their miserable, ungrateful backsides long and hard.

Hi Op. not had this exact situation but being human I have had battles with feeling envy. Whenever it's reared it's ugly head I tend to rely on what psychology can teach us. For example people have a baseline that they return to within a year of something good or bad happening i.e. if you won the lottery within 12 months you would feel as content as you do now.

Research on happiness

You just can't predict the future. Divorce and illness take a terrible toll.
Tell your children to get that "better job" themselves. Work hard and take their destiny in their own hands.

"I know I could be a better mum if I didn't have to work so hard but we can't survive unless I carry on at least fulltime until I'm well into my seventies."

Got a minute....? I have a very wealthy friend. He's the director of a big company & lives in the Cheshire footballer belt with his DW-who-lunches and three DCs. Holidays, ponies, swimming pools... it's all there. His 22 yo privately-educated-at-vast-expense DS has just (and I mean 'just') scraped a degree and is now sat at home, rent-free, contribution-free, playing computer games. Half-heartedly looks for work every so often but fails to get past the telephone interview because he's got zero gumption.

"Where did we go wrong?" my friend asked me last time... and had to shut me up after about thirty minutes :) My point being that lavish lifestyles do not necessarily result in good parenting.

I can sort of understand how you feel OP. I am one of six siblings, and apart from me all bar one (who is still at home and studying) are considerably well off, enjoy holidays, live in big houses and their dc have the latest gadgets. I also feel we are the 'poor relatives' living in rented accommodation, (with absolutely no chance I believe of ever owning our own property) in a shit-hole of an area. We cannot afford holidays, and many of life's luxuries. It did affect me a few years ago, and do still have moments of sadness about it but overall I have stopped letting it get to me.
My dbrothers and sisters are very generous and loving, buying many gifts for my dc, visiting us often and have never actually made me feel poor and 'lesser' than them. (Only on one occasion when they would not accept birthday money from me but they knew we were struggling with bills at the time). Its all in MY head, and I realised these are my issues to deal with. They love their children same as I love mine and have every right to spoil them and prepare for their future. I would never wish poverty on them or anyone, as they have worked hard to get where they have. So why should I waste my energy and emotions on such negative feelings like envy, jealousy and resentment.. It has taken me a long time but I am now happy with my lot, leaky roof and all. Patience and gratitude is my life motto.
Also it helped to acknowledge there are people in worse situations than me, financially or otherwise. I have friends who cannot bear children despite repeated IVF cycles, whereas I have two lovely healthy dc who I would not swap for the world. Also as a pp wrote life is unpredictable, we have no idea what is round the corner. Illness, death, divorce etc can rock even the most stable, financially secure families and tear them apart.

How about that other 99% of the population who are in your shoes? Do we all have to feel jealous about the odd rich guy? So they are your siblings. Be happy for them! The rest of us just get on with it. And no, it is not only luck, but hard work and SMART decisions as well.

Thanks for these replies. Cogito, I'd never ask or expect any support from my sibs as from the start, we were all brought up to be independent and I would never take support where I couldn't reciprocate. They've all worked very hard to get where they are and made "SMART" decisions, as Val007 suggests.

I think if they weren't related to me, it'd be a lot easier to deal with as I don't feel that envious of other people I know who have easier lives than I do. I also know that there will always be people who are worse off than me - but that sort of makes me feel worse that I dare to feel envy of my sibs. when at least I have three DCs and a roof over our heads and f/t job. I know many people don't have this.

I know we can't predict the future and what might happen to all of us but so far, all sibs. families seem incredibly chilled and happy and DCs all v well behaved unlike mine! I'm the only one with a SN child and that has made some difference but my teenagers are also so much more antagonistic than the rather perfect nieces and nephews -all who seem really easy and likely to succeed by comparison with mine!

I feel like I DID make wrong choices and no matter how hard I work, I'm just never going to have the earning potential of my sibs. and it all feels too late now to do anything different. I probably have to work 7 hours or more for every hour my sibs need to work, to earn the same amount.

Although we rarely see each other, when we do, I feel like I can't join in the general conversation as it's usually about the latest exotic holidays they've taken or ski trips to be arranged or another great investment opportunity. I sit there feeling out of it and not wanting to say that actually, I'm dreading Christmas this year as I know I can't afford what my DCs would really like to have and we certainly won't be having a holiday, as I have to work and we don't have the spare cash.

Interesting reading about happiness, Headinhands - thanks for that link. I seem stuck in a vicious circle of not having time at all to do things that make me happy, not having time to appreciate what I DO have and always being stressed and tired and running from one crisis to the next. It's not really more money that I want - it's more time - but it does seem true that money can buy you time, as my sibs. are often taking time out to holiday etc. or just have a break from work at weekends and time and money to do nice things.

I know this sounds really petty and ridiculous really and I just have to accept that I've got what I've got in life and enjoy what I've got. It may also be something to do with my age now too, as I see retirement looming shortly for my sibs and no possibility of this for me and also no time for making friends/ new relationships and feel really over the hill now.

So I guess I can't see any way of changing how things are - except my attitude and this feels difficult to change. I think I just want to feel less stressed and rushed but to sustain what I have and what I give my DCs, there's just no possibility of slowing down anytime soon.

"I feel like I can't join in the general conversation as it's usually about the latest exotic holidays they've taken or ski trips to be arranged or another great investment opportunity."

The old Harry Enfield sketch springs to mind... 'considerably richer than yow' ... and I think you're being far too charitable if you don't believe it's deliberate one-upmanship.

I agree with Cognito in that I'm surprised your siblings don't appear to have offered support to you. It doesn't have to be financial, but have you ever stayed in their holiday homes for a cheap holiday? They also don't seem to have made much effort to include you or make you feel any less than shit about your disparate lifestyles.

The main difference I can see is that their lifestyles are enabled by being in a couple. One sis is able to not work because of who she married, another because she has a great joint income and the bro because his wife sorts his life out. Have you considered their actual worth as individuals? You might find that on their own, your siblings woefully compare to what you're achieving as a single mum.

That made me laugh, Cogito, as I do remember that Harry Enfield sketch! I think there's a bit of that going on with my sibs but I also think they genuinely can't imagine I might find their conversations difficult as - for them - it's just like ordinary people might talk about the weather or a TV show or something - just their normal topics of conversation - the latest business opportunity in Dubai....the pros and cons of various Oxbridge colleges for their perfect DCs.

I don't even know how to draw the conversation away from material or achievement things to other things in life that are pleasurable and of value, as these days, family life for me is very fraught and stressful and there's nothing very good to report!

My level of conversation would be much more pathetic stuff like, "DD's finally finished her coursework at the eleventh hour and after massive arguments" or "DS (with autism) thinks he's got a new friend at school because he let him sit next to him at lunch".

It's really hard to join in conversations about "Where are you skiing this year?" or "We're thinking of changing the Range Rover again to the latest model" when I'm thinking - will I be able to get Christmas off work at all and will my car pass it's MOT.

Chica - I posted before reading your post. None of the sibs ever intertwine their lives with any other - so no one holidays with anyone else or at anyone else's place. Everyone has always lived v separate lives and with our parents having died years ago, no one gets together much at all really.

I don't at all think they mean to exclude me or put me down. It's not their fault that I made different choices to them and am where I am now.

I do think them being in couples makes a difference however, as they get 'free' childcare/home-help from their spouses alongside paid help too - which they can afford on their higher salaries. I do envy the fact that my sis and bro who work don't then come home to chaos and all the chores to juggle as well as work and the sis who doesn't work outside the home, also has enough money from her husband to have a f/t cleaner and some childcare when her DCs were younger.

I literally can't work more hours as I'd never then see my DCs or keep the house and our domestic lives up and running at all. I can never take a proper day off as there's no one at all to help out in any way - either with DCs of chores or earn some of the money. I often feel like I'm doing the job of several people and must admit I do envy those too with mothers and MILs and other family and a OH to help out.

DS with autism also has many physical problems too and this adds to the lack of time and the extra physical tasks of caring for him, although his autism is mild. Teenage DS and DD are both going through various angsts about self image and friendships and are full of hormones and completely unable to see beyond their own needs. Sometimes I'd just like one clear day off or one overnight off - to clear the backlog of chores and then just rest. But without a OH I never ever get this.

If they are very good at investments etc. Can you not ask them for advice about turning what you have into more?

Physics - that made me laugh because I've got nothing at all to invest! I just about manage most months but have no savings and nothing like the income and excess after monthly expenditure to even think about investing.

I find that many wealthy people do bore others with talk mainly centred around money and business, and materialistic things. Competitiveness of who has more properties or holidays or whatever. I find my eyes glazing over many a times and struggle not to yawn. Luckily my siblings dont do this as we have the sort of relationship where I can tell them to stuff a sock in it.
I can see why you feel left out OP, and trust me it isnt pathetic, I would much rather chat with you about ur lovely DS and his new friend, and ways of helping dc stop the constant bickering, than shallow 'rich talk' which I have no interest in at all.

"It's really hard to join in conversations"

So, when you're with them, they only talk about stuff that interests them? Not interested in your problems or want to include you in the conversation? Don't realise that bragging on about exotic holidays and so on to people who can't afford it might be at all insensitive? I don't think it has anything to do with being wealthy and everything to do with being self-absorbed.

I think you need to concentrate on what you're doing well and ask yourself if you think any of your siblings would be able to step up like you have. It sounds like they've had life so easy that they wouldn't know how to cope with a DS with autism and be able to juggle work and home life.

An easy life isn't necessarily an interesting life or the best life. Though I can understand how you would feel envious of this.

There's probably lots about your siblings' lives that you wouldn't envy either. There's probably a lot of pressure to maintain an appearance of a stress free life. Keeping up with the Jones', always being well turned out, being surrounded by shallowness must take its toll.

Besides, you don't know that they're not all in complete awe of you and how you manage your life and DC. They might feel shit in comparison.

But in answer to your OP, I think the best way of dealing with your feelings of jealously towards your siblings is to measure your life in a way that exceeds theirs. I often think of my life in terms of my eulogy. What would people say about you compared to your siblings? What will their legacy be compared to yours?

I've been envious in the past and I expect a lot of people have. But happiness can't be judged solely on material possessions. Of course it isn't pleasant to be struggling to afford the basics. But even if you had lots of money the teenage hormones would still be there. Hope life gets a bit easier for you soon.

I understand that this is not your point at all but I'm horrified that your family give you no help.

Personally I choose to help out my sister & her family (pay for school fees & stuff). Family to me is not simply my husband & children, it's also my sibling & her family, my husbands' siblings & their families.

All the surface glitz of wealth is meaningless, but money does make life easier & I don't understand why your family wouldn't want to help you out.

Of course they are under no obligation & you're not expecting it, but it's very selfish.

My brother is an extremely high achiever (think top of his field in the world level). He also has a hobby that he excels at incredibly well. He is natural at everything he does. Everyone who meets him likes him. He is confident but also very modest and understated. He doesn't brag in the slightest about his achievements. He is well paid and his wife is also a high achiever so their combined salary is very good.

In comparison I struggle financially. Have an ok job. I am unfit and fat and am not good with relationships. I also can't have children.

However I try to see the good in me as well as the good in my siblings. My work colleagues have always had excellent things to say about me and I'm well respected. My family love me deeply. I am kind and generous (or so friends tell me). I care deeply for others. Will I ever be a high flyer? Probably not. Will I make people happy and will I be happy? Most of the time.

Most people can't be high earners. Most people can't be the best in their field. There needs to be a lot of people who are generally quite normal for a society to work well I think! Comparisons are futile as they only lead us to feeling inadequate.

Thank you itsametaphordaddy, I'm had quite a struggle with sibling rivalry/jealously...

My sister (2 years older) has always been the pretty vivacious one, smart too. Although always getting into fights over real or imagined slights. I was plain (and had glasses since age 7), socially awkward but not a bad brain. I idolised my older sister and wanted nothing than to be like her, and be liked by her. We got along well as kids, frictions starting coming in as teenagers though. She wanted to hang out with her cool friends without awkward shy me. She got the attention of dozens of guys and I got well, none.

She turned teenage rebel, flunked high school school and started on a nondescript admin job she got through a contact of my dads. Left that due to a fallout with other staff. By then she'd met her husband to be - wealthy, handsome, kind, decent - any girls dream.
She now has 3 kids, amazing house, designer wardrobe and all the perks of upper middle class. Including the "right" to look down on anyone inferior. And that includes me.

I tried the teenage rebel too (just to be like her) but still finished school, college and advanced a career while struggling with depression. Married a decent, hardworking guy who I love but isn't wealthy. We have 2 kids and a comfortable life.

However she mocked me for being a "Brain box" for studying, continually told me I needed to lose weight (I've always been a healthy weight but she is annoyingly naturally skinny) and strongly disapproved of my engagement, saying I was "Selling myself short".

She used to like giving expensive gifts but would refuse any in return except gift cards because she was particular. I no longer except her offerings though as she would bring up "how generous" she had been any time we got into an argument about her bad behaviour.

I still idolise her deep down which makes her scathing comments about my life all the more hurtful. I aspired to be like her most of my life before I realised that I needed to be myself instead.

We no longer have anything to do with each other, not even social media, but I really couldn't handle her posts of her perfect life and know that she got it thanks to her pretty face while I've had to work for everything in mine and will never enjoy the money or privilege she has.

Hi @Justanothernzchick and welcome to Mumsnet.
This is an old thread from 2013 - you might get a better response if you copy your post and start a new thread here in the relationships section.
Give us a shout if you need any help.
M.

I’ve only one sister and if I had an enormous house with pool and a tennis court two holiday homes etc etc. There is no way I’d let her struggle the way you are, no way.
Perhaps they really don’t know how hard it is for you, perhaps they think you’re ok just not as wealthy as they are.
Ask for help, even if it’s a loan for Christmas.
What would you’re parents say do you think?

I'm also guilty of feeing jealous towards my sister. Her and her DH are heading towards being millionaires, she finds motherhood easy, lives the dream lifestyle overseas and she's a size 8 even though she's got young DC! I on the other hand although am financially comfy I'm no where near loaded, have gained at least 3 dress sizes and live more a wellies and cagoule lifestyle! I once had a very open convo with her and she was shocked I felt like that and was heartbroken. She confessed that she felt jealous of me as I had lots of close friends, was confident in myself and made everything just happen easily! I guarantee that there is something everyone's siblings feel jealous about. Focus on your life-you only get one and it's a shame to waste it feeling jealous of the people you should be holding dearest!