How can I stop feeling shaken up when I see my abusive ex?

[RubyRoad]

First time poster, hoping the mumsnet crowd can help me out.

Back in 2007/2008 I was in a 2 year relationship with my first boyfriend/first love. He was never physically abusive and rarely verbally abusive but was very manipulative, emotionally abusive and sexually abusive. For example he did nearly all the things described on this site: www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/subtle_sexual_abuse.html

Because the abuse was subtle rather than overt it took me nearly a year after we broke up to properly accept how toxic he was to me and stop agreeing to be his "friend". However, we now have not spoken for about 4 years, despite still having mutual friends (who don't know about the abuse/and or have downplayed it as my ex just being immature).

I've now been in a happy, healthy relationship with my lovely DP for nearly 3 years. However, from time to time I STILL find myself feeling traumatised by my relationship with my ex. For example, I still have distressing dreams about him and avoid going to events he may attend.

Some time in the last year my ex moved to the same small suburb as me. I found this out through running into him more often than usual and mutual friends. He has a longterm girlfriend and hates me so I doubt it was a deliberate choice on his part. However, now I find myself on edge walking around my local shops, always wearing sunglasses, making sure I dress well etc. I realise this behaviour is quite pathetic :-/

Everytime I run into him I feel really anxious/scared/shaken up and it still sort of bothers me for a few days afterwards. I realise this is ridiculous given how long ago we broke up. What can I do to stop it bothering me? I am planning on moving when my lease is up at the end of the year, but we live in a small city/have some remaining mutual friends so that won't fix everything :(

Have you ever sought professional help to come to terms with the past abuse? Personally, I think it's been a mistake to downplay what happened to you with the mutual friends you mention. Being abused is a horrible enough experience. Keeping someone else's secret is what kills people. Because, by keeping his secret, you're effectively taking the shame on yourself ... and thats soul-destroying. Read any account of someone abused in childhood by an adult. It's not the abuse that ruins their life, it's feeling they can't talk about it or that, if they do, they are not believed

My second thought is that you've never taken this person to task for what happened. The split was protracted and half-hearted. You thought he was a 'friend' for a long time. It's all very blurred. I don't think you've ever looked him square in the eye and told him he's a shit - hence why you fear meeting him. There's been no 'closure' if you'll pardon the cod-psychology. The emotional bullying is therefore as fresh as ever. You'll continue to be his victim until you turn the tables.

Does your DP know the full story?

BTW;.... as a short-term fix I'd suggest you hold your head up, take off the dark glasses and stop acting fearfully, even if it's at odds with the way you feel. Good luck

What Cog said. This is a ghost in your past that it will help you to exorcise. Not sure how you might do this. Write to him?

I also second not keeping schtum about it all. You have nothing to be ashamed of and he does.

Your post rang many bells with me. I am in a very similar position at the moment. It shook me to the core to run into him. The abuse you describe is also exactly similar. For a moment I thought we were speaking about the same person!! Fortunately by the time I got to the end of your post I realised we weren't.
I have no advice. What cogito said about closure rang a bell with me though I don't know whether that concept always applies in cases with people like this.
Watching with interest!! Good luck op.

Ps I agree with others about telling about the abuse. His shame, not yours

" I don't know whether that concept always applies in cases with people like this. "

'Closure' is a personal thing. You and the OP are never going to get an apology or explanation out of your abusers. They don't care about your pain, never did, so truth and reconciliation is not the object of the exercise. Revenge is a nice idea but, after a length of time, ineffective.

However, by being assertive and repeatedly expressing 'I reject you & you can no longer hurt me'... can be in person or by some other method... you can gradually reduce their hold.

Did you get counselling?

Did you get counselling?

You may think you can just bounce back from a campaign of orchestrated abuse, without any input as to how to correct the wrongs that all the manipulative behaviour did.

But you can't. All you end up doing is burying it. But it won't stay there forever, you could end up with flashbacks, irrational fears and fixations.

Tbh, start with the freedom programme, read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, perhaps Power & control: how charming men make dangerous lovers by Sandra Horley.

The Freedom programme is free..

Thanks everyone. Yes, I did go to counselling the year we broke up which helped me to see the emotional abuse and eventually cut contact with him. I didn't talk about the sexual abuse at the time. My DP knows my ex treated me badly and some but not all of what happened between us. I think I am worried if he knew everything he would lose respect for me for putting up with it. Even though rationally I know he would still love me.

I agree I never got closure but I really would not want to talk to or write to my ex for the reason that I've realised he would only use it as an opportunity to hurt me further and it would stroke his ego to know it still bothers me. When I run into him I consciously do not let him know I'm afraid and continue with my planned activity eg today, buying coffee. Its when I get home I feel it...

I have some friends who were not as close to him or never knew him who I have told about the abuse. The problem with the mutual friends is that I don't really know how to bring this topic up now, after all this time, and that I feel like they won't understand because they've never been in a similar situation. My ex is very friendly and charming and we were both very young (18-21) when all of this happened. Its possible (though unlikely?) that he has grown up and is not abusive to his current girlfriend. I feel like I would come across as the crazy bitter ex if I started dredging stuff up now. But I do very much wish I had seen things for what they were earlier so I could have said something to people at the time.

The other issue with some of the friends and one in particular, is that due to past experience I can't be sure anything I say will not be conveyed to my ex. At the moment I kind of feel like we have a truce of sorts. I dont want to risk him being angry about me saying things to people and trying to destroy my life. He is more charismatic than me and I feel like if he wanted to he could still do a lot of damage to my life. Among other things he may (I don't know for sure but he hinted at this once after we broke up as a "joke") have compromising (naked) photos of me. I'm in a professional conservative career so if that was true he could ruin my job prospects.

I don't know about talking to friends, but if you never spoke about the sexual abuse before then perhaps you need to now? I mean, to a trained counsellor? Otherwise you'll carry it with you even when ex is long gone from the area.

I'm only just coming to terms with the SA and think I have a long way to go.

Friends aren't going to be qualified to help with that anyway.

It must bd hard to be in a position where you can't confide in people, or feel you can't. I'm sure that doesn't help. Just because the friends may not know/ not get it/ minimize it that doesn't make your feelings less valid.

Ditto re the pics btw. No way of knowing if he still has them.

" I dont want to risk him being angry about me saying things to people and trying to destroy my life. "

You sound like an intelligent woman. There are ways and means of subtly dropping information about someone into a conversation when the opportunity arises. You can achieve a lot without being overt. You would not be 'dredging stuff up' therefore. Pick your moment, obviously, but don't be afraid when someone is singing his praises to gently point out that he they don't know the full truth. Sow the seed. He is already damaging your life because you're cowering in corners, protecting his secret, hiding important information from your partner and acting like a victim. Enough's enough. Take the initiative, be clever about it and, whilst he may huff and puff, your house will not fall down.