Help for a friend

[IDontBowlOnShabbos]

Hi I'm looking for some help for my best friend.

She's in a abusive relationship with a guy she's been on and off with for years. She does have children with him, one with sn.

Currently she is staying with him but is technically homeless. She's worried that as she hasn't been living in the area for long she won't be rehoused. It's all a massive mess, she doesn't know whether she wants to stay with him and try and make it work (I have a feeling she might as she's quite vulnerable at the moment and can't see another way plus she still loves him).

I just don't know what to say to her to help. I'm not going to tell her to leave him as I want her to be able to come to me without judgement, but I would like to be able to offer some advice if she asks for it. I know women's aid gets mentioned a lot on here are there any other places to go for help? With regards to the council do they have any obligation to help her?
Lastly on a personal level if there is anyone reading this that has been in a similar situation to my friend what kind of support would you have wanted from friends/family? I just don't want to make her feel like she can't talk to me and I'm really worried. Thanks if anyone can help.

The first thing to say is that you can't help someone unless they want to be helped. I've helped (at her request and at considerable risk) a friend escape an abusive relationship in the past, only to find she got back with her abuser at a later date. So be prepared for frustration.

If she doesn't know what she wants all you can say is that you are worried for her safety and her wellbeing, that you are ready to support her if she wants to make a break from him, and to suggest she contacts something like Womens Aid who are a very good source of advice on subjects like accommodation. Don't labour the point and resist sermons but it's important for her to know that you think her treatment is unacceptable ... and that's not being judgemental, just honest.

The exception to all this is if you think she (or any DCs if relevant) are in immediate danger. Then you contact the authorities, no question.

Thank you cogito I'm just worried about saying something that will make her feel like she can't come to me for help.

I've mentioned womens aid before to her but I will again when I next see her.

I don't think her children are at risk of physical violence but I know the eldest one has been affected emotionally. It's just such a shit situation for her to be in. Thanks again for your advice.

If she avoids anyone that tells her the truth then that's entirely her decision. She's an adult. Some people, as I say, don't want to be helped and either can't or won't take advantage of offers of help to get out of a shit situation. If you express your concern, you can get on with your life knowing you did the right thing.

In the case of my friend, when she went back to her abuser I had to make a decision of my own and that was to leave her to it. It was costing me too much emotionally to be involved and I wasn't prepared to invest any more in a lost cause. That is also an option you might consider.