I want less contact with my parents/venting about my father

[iwanttogrowup]

I had an unhappy childhood (and everything else) and feel like my parents still have too much influence in my life.

People say I'm lucky to have such a good father. He is nice, helpful and wants to spend time with me.
But I've always felt that I don't like him as much as I "should." It makes me feel guilty. He wants to talk on the phone and see me all the time.
It's so weird to think about but if I've always felt awkward and around him & don't enjoy his company like I should so there must be a reason for it right? With my mum her behaviour was so dramatic and obviously abusive.

I decided to write down his less good behaviour to understand why. My family is fucked up in general and his behaviour is really subtle compared to others like my mum.

• One thing that opened my eyes was his relationship with a new gf. Mum and he never got along well, and after way too long time they finally split up. He got himself a new woman to boss around. I can tell it isn't a good relationship, she really seems unhappy. But he seems happy with it even if he is always grumpy and belittling her.
• He didn’t ask how I felt as a child, didn’t listen, no proper communication, didn't say why when he was upset just showed it.
• Controlling, want to be in charge of all situations and wants to focus on himself and his interests, wants things to be done his way.

-He doesn’t care about what you like you must like what he likes.

• Grumpy moods with no talking. I've noticed that I'm programmed to start being overly nice when he does it to cheer him up and make him talk again, I get so nervous when he does this. He can control family gatherings this way by being silent and then people will stop talking and talk to him.
• I felt there was this suffocating mood going on when I was a child. Like breathing was barely allowed.
• He acted in some creepy ways when I was a child and teenager, like leaving teen porno mags around and not giving me privacy and something that almost ended as sexual assault once but stopped. It’s just weird to think about but yes this type of things happened.
• Would get angry and shake me when I was upset and crying and it also happened quite recently. He says it's because he gets so worried.
• "Interrogating" wants to know all the details of what I'm doing or have done recently. Is obviously pleased when I answer but if I don't want to answer every stupid question & want to protect some privacy and change the topic he gets grouchy.

It would have been so much easier to understand my own dislike of him if he was rude and called me names and was violent. But you see he acts nice, is polite, correct, and helpful. He has his good sides and so had/has my mum. But after writing down some of his past and present behaviours I feel I have a right not to like him 100%.
I always feel like I’m a child when I talk to my parents but I’m a grown woman.

So what’s the problem you might ask, why cant you just cut down on your contact with them?
Well I feel dependent and lonely.
I currently live by myself, I have health issues (normal ones and mental health issues) I’m well poor and not able to work full time. I feel very alone, I've been crap at relationships and attracted/been attracted to dysfunctional and abusive types which didn’t end well of course. I also don't believe in myself and been shit with keeping contact with nice people I know. So I have no actual friends either.
If I minimize contact with my parents it feels like I'm cutting down on something important and on one of my very few sources of support. They have both helped me a lot lately and supported me economically at times – I feel like I should be so grateful to them and that I need their help. When I grew up I was taught that I was useless and that I couldn’t do things on my own. They also neglected me as a child so I’m extra grateful when they help.
On the other hand, I need to grow up and become my own person and not be stuck in child mode with my parents who are not good for me to be around much.

I want to have less contact with both but my father is the trickiest one. My mum will be content if I don’t call or meet with her for some time but if I don't answer the phone one evening or have my phone turned off he will try many times and leave many messages and be upset when I talk to him the next day. Because he got so worried. He thinks he has a permanent place in my weekly schedule.
Ok this post is getting really long…

If someone else out there had similar experiences…how did you handle it? What did you do to set limits and “grow up” for real?
Also how often do you think it’s healthy to have contact with your shitty parents as an adult? I want to minimize contact, not cut them out completely from my life.
God I’m nervous about posting this, I sound like such a loser.

It sounds on the face of it as though you've been bullied to within an inch of your life. www.domesticviolence.org/violence-wheel/ may help articulate what has been going on. Also have a look here www.napac.org.uk/

It is really positive that you recognise the need to grow up and that you recognise your dependence.

I found it really hard, growing up in a really fucked up family. My life was made nearly impossible because of it. One thing to remember, as an adult, that the way your parents behave is not your fault. The way they have treated you is not of your making.

You are not a loser at all. You have been treated in a way that no living thing would enjoy.

Thank you for reading my long, long post and for commenting. It means a lot.
At the same time it’s like you’re talking to someone else, someone else must have written that not me. It’s like I’ve been brainwashed into thinking my family is good and right and I’m just wrong. So it couldn’t have been bad really. I didn’t even understand that I had some real reason to not like my father 100% until I wrote things down now. He is supposed to be the nice and caring and sensible one in the family. The controlling behaviour confuses me because at the same time it means he cares right? He is worried and cares about me?
I’ve been beaten, kicked, (not often) yelled at, bullied, (often) abandoned, just all sorts of shit by mum and others. And then I got guilt tripped and had to comfort my upset mum after she had been horrible towards me.
This is something I notice from a lot of the relationships I’ve had actually.

But at the same time I just can’t accept that it happened and that it was that bad. No one acts like there was anything out of the ordinary or has been and they can all be very nice.
Those times I’ve hinted that things might not have been perfect they’ve gotten absolutely furious.

I have suffered so much abuse, mental, physical, sexual by various people family and others over the years and realizing this and remembering everything is just horrible and overwhelming. It makes me feel even more helpless and dependant. God it’s tough.

Gosh. You're so not a loser.

You sound like a very insightful person.

You also sound like you've had a really crap childhood, tiptoeing around your parents whilst be belittled the whole time.

Listen, your dad isn't worried about your welfare when he can't get hold of you on the telephone. He's worried he's not got control over you. You're doing stuff he doesn't know about and he doesn't like it one bit.

Control is what drives him to want to know every detail about your life.

It's creepy. Frankly. His moods and strops are so effective at getting people to jump through his hoops.

You say he's been so supportive recently. Is that another way of making you feel obliged to him?

I mean, I hope to help my grown up dcs. I would hope for a thank you but nothing more. Their feeling obliged to me would really upset me.

Yet you feel obliged to your parents because finally they act like parents.

This is all a big deal. It's too big for you to wade through alone. Can you get counselling?

Do you work? Can you move? Geography could help create a gap between you and your dysfunctional father.

There is no way you are a loser. No way.

You are labouring under the heavy legacy of your awful parents.

Well done you for seeking help here. Keep going. I think it's very hard realising how crap things have been and I think there is a sort of grieving process involved.

You are not the property of your parents. It sounds as though they are treating you as if you were. You are making steps, Keep moving!

I'm not wise enough to post anything that will be of real help, but you sound so self aware and insightful.

Many people never get to the level of understanding you have reached.

It seems cler to me from your posts that you WILL sort something out, you will get through this.

You sound like a fighter, and a clever one at that.

And fwiw I agree with the others, it's not care or concern, it's control. What a twat. It would seem the way forwrd would be to Go no contact, set the police on him if he won't let you alone.

And to quote others on here, of course he isn't always awful, everyone would deserd the bastard if he ww. The abusive controller is always just nice enough, at random points to make you doubt yourself, and stay to be abused and controlled some more.

I'm afraid I also don't have much to post but at the grand old age of 37 I have just started to realise my "loving family life" isn't all that I remember and have made some steps to remove myself.

The guilt is a hard poll to swallow though.

Thank you all, I really mean it.

WinkyWinkola - I’d love to move further away from them but I don’t think it’s possible right now and I do have an okay job here.
I used to live far away from them and didn’t contact them enough…so my father drove all the way there and turned up on my doorstep unannounced. He did it more than once because he was worried about me living alone or because he was worried that I was together with a “bad” man. Well you see he was right. I have had problems when I was not under their control so to speak. Once he made the police come to my house but there was no reason for it so they just left again.

Yes some things he does ARE creepy. He has these subtle sexually creepy things going on too. He has done some seriously creepy things I don’t even want to write about it here. He has a strange view of women. But he also acts like a nice caring father, so it’s confusing. I know that abusive people have good sides too and they’re still abusive people – but it’s extra hard comprehend when it’s the person who raised you and made you believe they’re the reasonable one!

I’ve booked time for CBT, 2 weeks wait left. I’ve met and talked to the woman once before and she seems OK. The question is what to do during these 2 weeks because I feel...crap. Really, really down.
I got really depressed after I decided to have less contact with them. There is the feeling that maybe it’s the wrong thing to do and I’m being unreasonable and cold and also because I have so little other social life. But I was already depressed by my past and their behaviour anyway.
Maybe I should call a helpline I don’t know it feels too daunting to actually speak with a random stranger about my problems in real life. Not sure if I can do it.
This weekend is so difficult because I have a lot of free time to spend alone, thinking about my life. They both want to see me tomorrow because it’s not like I have a social life anyway so I can’t be busy right?

I really appreciated your messages. I feel a bit encouraged
InTheRedCorner - best of luck, hope you can remove those people from your life.

Going to bed now.

Okay well it is up to you to pursue a social life.

Do you have interests that could translate into social opportunities?

Is there anything you'd like to study in the evenings at your local college?

Small steps is all anybody takes and it snowballs from there.

You don't have to tell your parents anything about anything in your life if you don't want to. Just shrug and smile and say,"Same old, same old."

You have choices.

You don't have to answer the telephone when your dad calls and calls. Next time he does that and says he's "worried", tell him not to be so silly, you're a grown up etc. not rudely but quietly assertive.

If he persists then you have to let him know that his apparent anxiety about you is not your problem as it is unreasonable and irrational.

Too many people take upon themselves the worries and concerns of others.

Oh you poor thing, you have had such a rough time, my heart goes out to you. I want you to know that you're not alone though, there are loads or us that haven't exactly had the easiest of upbringings and it's still possible to lead a very happy life agterwards.

The main thing to do is to work on yourself so that you feel able to make other, healthier relationships with people who will love and care for you genuinely and properly. Then, in time, these relationships will seem the norm and you will be able to leave the past in the past and to make a happy present for yourself. I'm glad you're going for CBT but, by all means, speak to the Samaritans or any other helpline that would help in the meantime. If CBT doesn't suit you then look for a therapist/counsellor that suits you better and pay for help if you have to - BACP have a list of accredited counsellors and they don't cost the earth.

I detached myself completely from my dysfunctional relatives and it was the best thing I ever did, truly. You don't have to deal with yours you know, there is no law saying you have to have contact with relatives (not even parents) and you can take out a restraining order if they harass you by insisting on contact. Your dad is controlling and, frankly, weird and I would be putting a stop to his nonsense if I were you. Put caller display on your telephone and only answer the phone if it suits you - the same goes for answering your door. If he keeps ringing and ringing you can bar his number (and any other number including withheld numbers) with a simple device that costs around £40. You will have to be strong at first but he will soon get the message if you don't give in.

I know it's frightening to feel alone but you are alone because so much of your time and energy has been devoted to dealing with these fuckwits and trying to extricate yourself from the damage they did, I imagine it has been all consuming. The most important thing you have to do is build your self-esteem and create a good/happy vibe around yourself as this will make you feel better and draw other 'normal' people to you. You can do this by being kind to yourself, treating yourself with nice, little treats that you enjoy (they don't have to be expensive) and by setting yourself little, attainable goals that you can achieve and feel good about. Gradually, by doing these things, drawing boundaries with your family and by having counselling you'll feel more and more confident and happy, honestly.

Please keep posting as well as you will get lots of support. [SMILE]

That should be afterwards not agterwards and not [SMILE].

that abusive people have good sides too and they’re still abusive people

I think many of them don't have 'good' sides. They're just very adept at skating right up to the line of 'what the fuck??', and then backing back off again and being calculating enough to do something to mitigate the damage they've just caused. Years of this takes its toll.

The people at NAPAC are fantastic. It's a very lonely place, but you are not alone! My dad's control freakery has caused untold problems. I have trouble being believed in family circles - they don't want to think that a relation could be so awful. It can be horrible. Everyone has suffered hugely. I know these days that what happened is true, and that I am believed.

Womens Aid might be able to support you as well.