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Relationships

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Original poster

Question about parenting after separation.

24 replies

Yakky · 21/09/2013 18:48

Has anyone noticed a significant difference in their DCs dad after separation?
Do they seem to become more interested and pro active in their DCs lives?
Am hoping that when we do finally get separate places my ex will begin to show more interest in his DCs, ie, actually going to parents evenings, knowing who their teachers are, where their classrooms are, and maybe actually do something with them at the weekends as opposed to atm nothing.
I thought this laissez faire attitude of his had developed as a means of punishing me for wanting to separate. However, looking back over our marriage I have recognised that he has always shown a lack of interest.
Anybody else ever found that, when you are both finally living in separate properties with weekend visits sorted, their exes have become much better parents?

OP posts:

skyeskyeskye · 21/09/2013 18:56

nope! Xh has become worse. He shows no interest in her schooling, has never been to a parents evening, doesn't know what her classroom looks like. He did go to the school play, because he wants to see her looking cute and singing but he doesn't want to do anything that involves any work

Every weekend with him, they go to soft play, Mcdonalds and she plays with his neighbours DC. He spends hours on his mobile texting (OW) according to DD.

But of course, they are not all like that! Some dad's actually care about their children.....

chocoreturns · 21/09/2013 19:07

My xh at least spends time with the DC now. He does make an effort with activities planned in 'his time' but I don't hold out much hope of him coming to parents evenings etc. It took him 12 months to give our DS1's nursery his name and contact details, preferring to ask me if it was 'ok' or not.

I am glad that the DC enjoy their time with him, but I keep my expectations low. Sorry you're going through this OP, I hope it works out for you and your DC.

MrsSnail · 21/09/2013 19:09

DH has improved since the split but ask me in 6 months and see if it carries on

Lonecatwithkitten · 21/09/2013 19:12

From poor to useless here. No parent's evening, took over a year to get registered with school portal.

ilovemylittlestars · 21/09/2013 20:13

Yes, I found the same, having ignored them whilst together, it was a real effort to spend time with us and was a problem to have a day off with us each week - suddenly he is off every weekend and even wants to collect them from school - having never bothered previously, will have no clue where to collect them from but I agree with MrsSnail - ask me in 6months time too

paperlantern · 21/09/2013 20:20

don't hold your breath.

statistically it isn't likely either.

IsThatTrue · 21/09/2013 20:27

XH started coming to parents evenings 3 yrs after seperation. I think it's for show though as he doesn't do homework with them or care about how they do at school.

He sees the children every other weekend but quality time? No not really.

I hope your h is different.

Trigglesx · 21/09/2013 20:32

Not really. It's a bit like they don't exist outside of the visits sometimes, which can be frustrating. Some improvements, but I can't say it's made him value the time with them more. A bit frustrating, really.

FlatCapAndAWhippet · 21/09/2013 20:37

No, definitely not!

chocoreturns · 21/09/2013 20:44

It's a bit like they don't exist outside of the visits sometimes

This, I'm afraid.

skyeskyeskye · 21/09/2013 20:54

XH never reads any school books and kept forgetting to send the book bag back again. i was trying to involve him.

They now have an online reading system, so I sent him the details and said it would be great for DD if you could read an online book with her when she is with you. Not once has he looked at it....

he has no idea of when term starts or finishes, when he moaned at me that I should tell him, I told him to look on the school website just like I have to!

nkf · 21/09/2013 20:58

I find mine just as uninterested as before, but when we were together I could make him do things like turn up to parents' evenings.

TiredDog · 21/09/2013 20:58

No. He has never attended school events, plays, consultation evenings, fetes. I don't think he knows when school holidays even are.

He went 4 months without seeing her once. I asked him to but he was 'busy'

Sorry

FlatCapAndAWhippet · 21/09/2013 21:01

It's a bit like they don't exist outside of the visits sometimes

Yes this ^

kittymchotpress · 21/09/2013 21:24

I found xp has improved a lot since we split up and I think has a much better relationship with DD as a result. she's with him 3 nights a week so he's as hands on as me, hope it stays the same when she starts school. He really is a good dad, wasn't much cop as a partner though..

LilyBossom · 21/09/2013 21:37

My ex refuses to see or contact our daughter sadly. I do realise this is very extreme though. It his choice - I have tried to get him to be part of her life, as has she, but he refuses to reply or even pick up the phone.

We have given up now.

MatchsticksForMyEyes · 21/09/2013 21:38

My XH is much better with the dc than he was before. When we were together I was pretty much on my own with them most of the time as he was always doing 'jobs' outside and would come in to have an hour with them before they went to bed.
We've been separated almost a year now and he is very hands on. Spends contact time just playing with them even though I wish he would also tidy/clean his house and always comes to school concerts ( DD's school invites parents in once a half term for a performance from the children). He is a much better father than he was before I feel. He sees them 3-4 times a week with 1 or 2 overnight stays.

skyeskyeskye · 21/09/2013 21:50

XH sees DD EOW, 1 night 2 days, refused to have her for any extra time during the holidays.

If something more important comes along, like a football match, or his best mates wife's birthday or an Olly Murs concert with his best mates wife, then he drops DD like a brick. best mates wife = OW

A lot of them do become very selfish once they are back in their single life.

There are some dads that are brilliant and move heaven and earth to see their children as much as possible and take them on holiday. Can't tar them all with the same brush.

teatimesthree · 21/09/2013 22:00

XP is definitely more hands-on than he was before the separation. He has DD twice a week overnight and does a few drop-offs and pick-ups. Because he has her on his own (well, now with new partner) he has had to take more responsibility.

He is far from being as on the ball as I am, and does not plan his life around DD the way I do. BUT he has a good relationship with DD, and he is definitely a good-enough parent.

Ikeameatballs · 21/09/2013 22:08

Ex-p went a bit crazy and ott with the dc when we first split up (Feb this year). Ths has tailed off a bit and he has had some slip ups but I have some hope that he will continue to be better than he was.
I think he can manage this because he only has them for fixed periods of time and he can manage to parent for 6 hours on a Sunday doing nice things but he can't manage the organisation and discipline that you need on a daily basis.

Original poster

Yakky · 21/09/2013 23:15

Good God, the majority of people's experiences post marriage seem to be bloody awful.
The exes seem to either carry on as before, with little interest other than Macdonalds, or they turn into super dad.....for about 6 months then revert to type.
I just don't get it. If I only saw my DCs at the weekend I would want to know every detail. What had they done all week, at school & home? What homework did they have? What had they been watching on TV, reading, etc?
This is so depressing.
How on earth do women (usually) cope/explain/make excuses for these dads who just "lose interest" in their own DCs?

OP posts:

katykuns · 21/09/2013 23:26

ExH went from being crap, to worse, to none existant. He is a fan of the tv guardian, so would just stick DD in front of the tv and do nothing when we lived together.
When we split he decided to move 5 hours away, and with no job (and no plan to get one) he couldn't afford to see her regularly. He would announce when he would visit, come, leave and we might not see him for 2-3 months. I settled for this in the beginning because I was so anxious for her to know her Dad etc etc. He then disappeared for a year with no explanation... and reappeared demanding contact. DD was about 3, and had basically forgotten him. I made him promise that in return for coming back into our lives, he MUST see her once a month, no exceptions. He kept it up for first 3 months, then made excuses and faffed about. So I told him if he wasn't going to be regular, he may as well not bother. It appears his family had been pushing him to resume contact and he wasn't actually interested. He threatened me with all sorts and then just disappeared. He hasn't so much as sent her a birthday card in 3 years now.
I have a lovely DP who has been a consistent and loving influence on her life. I figure it's ExH's loss frankly! He doesn't deserve her!

Trigglesx · 22/09/2013 13:36

How on earth do women (usually) cope/explain/make excuses for these dads who just "lose interest" in their own DCs?

Too busy doing everything for DCs and household in general to stop to think up excuses, tbh.

LilyBossom · 22/09/2013 13:47

I don't make excuses either, struggle enormously to cope I must admit - but I cannot comprehend why ex refuses to see his own child. I just make sure she knows I won't leave her and try my utmost to build her self esteem so she knows it is purely his fault, and not hers (easier said than done).

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