Need to vent - wrt my dad

[MurderOfGoths]

This is going to be extremely long, but I need to get it off my chest because it's really getting to me today. Thank you in advance for reading.

Me and dad have always had a strained relationship, I'm well aware that there are a few things he'd change about me, and it's caused so many arguments over the years. Some of it the usual stuff (the way I dress) to more irritating stuff (he hates that I'm shy) to his set in the fifties attitude (why didn't I want to do a nice "female" job like secretary).. and so on. Think in a lot of ways he wanted a nice, pretty, feminine, social girl to wow people at parties, not a painfully shy geeky goth.

Last few years have been really hard. When I married DH my dad almost didn't come to the wedding, all because of dad being a prat. We had a very small wedding, only space for 20 guests, we couldn't have afforded more. So we had to be selective with guests, unfortunately this meant I had to say no to all of my cousins as I couldn't pick and choose from them - that would have been awful. Dad got offended on their behalf (they were fine until he started kicking up a fuss) and threatened not to come to the wedding. Mum managed to calm him down, but it was horrible for a while, and definitely tainted the day.

About 2 years ago I got pregnant with DS, and it was a hard pregnancy, very severe HG and a doctor who wouldn't let me try any medication, I spent most of the pregnancy in hospital - even got induced 2 weeks early because of how bad the HG was. During the pregnancy my mum was diagnosed with, and died of, lung cancer. She died 3 weeks before DS was worn, and I had to beg the hospital to let me go to the funeral, even though I really should have still been on the drip. While she was very ill I obviously couldn't visit very often (hard to when in a hospital a couple of counties over). I know my dad resents me for not being there and, as he put it, "having to listen to mum scream in the night". I know he thinks I got off lightly while him and my brother carried the load. Like I'd chosen to have HG rather than be by my mum's side.

It's not only the HG though, I also have quite severe mobility problems due to some fucked up weirdness with my back. Dad knows all of this, and yet, like the HG he thinks I use it as an excuse not to do things. He thinks I can use positive thinking to get through it. Nevermind that I'm normally on a daily cocktail or 6 cocodomal and 3 diclofenac, with the occasional tramadol on the really bad days. It's still all in my mind according to him. If I just tried harder I'd be better.

That's the same approach he had to my depression (from the age of 15) and self harm.

All the times when I've needed him most I've been treated like it's my fault, like I'm lying and exaggerating.

If I try and tell him how bad it gets he wont believe me, he ignores that he never sees me on my bad days. He only sees me on the days where I am capable of
a) getting out of bed
b) getting out of the flat (upstairs flat means I'm often trapped)
c) manage a 45 min drive to his

Those are good days that require a lot of effort.

DS is now 18 months, dad has been to our flat twice since he was born. In a year and a half he has only managed 2 visits.

Dad is able bodied and drives for a living, there is no excuse.

He's never seen me on the days I cannot stand, of which there are many. So he doesn't believe they exist. Instead I'm just exaggerating.

Now today I was meant to be going to my cousin's wedding but as I am pregnant again (and therefore suffering from HG) I physically could not do it. Dad's reaction yesterday was to tell me I was being silly and to try harder, he also refused to accept me saying I couldn't make it, telling me to have a nap and call him later. So I did, funnily enough my answer was the same, he didn't pick up the phone or call me back. Hasn't checked to see how I am today. I can guarantee he's sulking with me now.

I am so sick and tired of being made to feel guilty for not being able to do what he wants, I feel bad enough for all the things I cannot do anymore. I'm only 29 and I'm stuck in the body of a fucking OAP. I have a toddler I cannot run after. The last thing I need is this shit about how I'm not trying hard enough, or making it up. I didn't choose this damn life, I'm just trying to make the most of it. And I'm fed up of dad treating me like I'm just being difficult.

And the hardest bit now is that I feel like I've lost both parents, not just one.

Why do you keep expecting this man to behave with compassion and sensitivity when everything you've said about him says he's the polar opposite? Why keep going back to the well hoping for some miracle change in personality? Why involve him in your life at all?

Firstly, congrats!! And sorry for your loss. I imagine its still quite hard if it was only just before your first DC?

Secondly, it sounds like it's just the way it will always be and it's fighting a losing battle. I hope your DH is on board with it all, then at least you have that unconditional support.

You know you can't help being ill. It's just such a shame he doesn't seem to get it. Have you ever tried family counselling/mediation? (Though he doesn't sound like the type to be up for that).

Have no better advice but didn't want to read and run. Sorry things are that bad for you at the moment. Hopefully some more experienced posters will be along

^ I would sort of have considered it a lost cause by now, as sad as it is, like cogito says. It must be just really painful trying to get him to understand etc?

(oh and my Gdad has this approach to all illness, MH included. When I was in hospital for 6 weeks because I was suicidal he told me to pull my socks up and stop worrying my mother, you know, cus it was just so fun I've barely spoken to him since as a result as he always has that attitude. About everything. And it's unhealthy to be around when you're struggling)

I think you probably lost the only parent you had. This man, although your biological father, is not much a father to you. What's your next step gonna be?

Oh Goths I wish that he could have the HG, active toddler and spinal issues for a week just to experience how difficult, painful and frustrating life is for you. You really need to start putting you and your own little family first, don't bother wasting your good days on driving 45mins each way to visit someone who treats you like shit. Make some new rules and stick to them, short and sweet no drama. Life's hard enough.
Congratulations on your pregnancy, I hope you feel better soon x

It is really, really hard to keep putting effort into an unrewarding father and it\s also really really hard to let them go and no longer try ... I know this the hard way. My father is much the same and has made his disappointment in me painfully obvious. Like you I can be in hospital and he'll say "its all in your mind" grrr. Etc etc.

i ran after his approval and love for about, oh let me see .. well, most of my life after my mother died when I was 11, until 35. Then I remembered a quote "half your life is all that any parent is entitled to, and that the best half" ( well it might sound odd, but it helped me!) and after that I began to make a lot less effort and to stand up to him, to ask him to speak nicely to me or not at all. I dindt ring him so much, left it to him to ring me. Did not drive the 3 hours to visit him (in 20 years he only visited me twice).

The result? no contact. And that hurts, it really does. Inside I still run after his approval, despite knowing better. It leaves a gap that even my wonderful mother in law can't fill. But overall I am better off without someone who endlessly puts me down and makes me feel like shit (encouraged by his second wife too :/ )

He's only seen my beloved son twice and I don't think he'll see my second child at all once he or she is born. It matters and it hurts. But I see no alternative, becuase the disappointment and nasty comments on his side hurt even more.

So I'm sorry, but if my experience is anything to go by, there is no happy answer MoG. There's nothing going to make things better because .. sorry ... your father just doesnt sound very nice. If things are as similar as they sound to my father, he won't respond to talking it through. In which case, you can only make the choices for yourself to carry on as you are or to step back, quite deliberately. Even to mourn him for the loss of what you would like (and deserve) him to be, a good father. And look to and love your DH, son and the growing one, and if possible your mil (she sounds nice) and your proven, true, good friends.

hugs your cousin sounds like =she= understands anyway, and today she's the important one!

It's terribly sad. I'd say you have little option than to come to some kind of acceptance over the person your father is. I do though think that with time, things might change for the better. As someone who has adult children myself, I can just about understand some of your father's feelings: it must have been very hard for him to have a child with physical and mental health problems ( not that of course you chose to have those.) He must- and again, it's not your fault, have felt a combination of guilt and disappointment at having a child who needed a lot of care and attention from the age of 15 or before.

Maybe as part of your moving on, emotionally, you can start to see your dad as a man ( not just a father) with hopes, dreams and pressures of a being a father himself- coping with a wife dying young from cancer and how hard he may have found it to give you the love you need. He falls short, but maybe some compassion from you will help you move on.

I wonder if you have ever had a real heart to heart with him, or written a letter, to say how you feel?

Although your situation is sad, there are always two sides- his 'pull yourself together' attitude is perhaps hiding a huge amount of grief he feels but is unable to show his feelings in an acceptable way.

What do you think?

P.s.- your dad does know how you are in many ways- his denial is a coping mechanism - maybe not because he doesn't care, but because it breaks his heart to have a daughter who is unwell and who he feels helpless to assist. Perhaps?

Guess I've been sheltered from it most of my life because of mum, she was the only one who could get through to him. Now she's gone there's no buffer between us.

I don't want to totally lose him, but I need my energy for dealing with all the other shit.

Albert Einstein said that the definition of insanity was to repeat the same things over and over expecting different results.

Your dad has been consistently shit.

He will always be consistently shit.

You have to decide whether you want to carry on putting up with this, and in some tiny way enable him doing so, by NOT telling him to FTFO, or you stand up and ROAR.

Sounds like the latter is well overdue.

Fwiw, your shyness may come from having a parent that is so he'll bent on putting you down and finding fault.

You deserve better, so do your DC. Congratulations btw, and I hope that this time around you can have better medical care.

Hi Murder. You are not alone in having a crap dad. It totally sucks. It would be wonderful, WONDERFUL, to have a supportive father.

But you don't.

It is okay to be sad and frustrated and angry about that.