Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me have this discussion without sounding ungrateful.

12 replies

Captainbarnacles1101 · 21/09/2013 10:49

I have been a stay at home mum for about 2 years now. It's what I always wanted and I'm lucky because I'm on a 5 yr career break so can go back to work () after break.
However, I'm feeling a little taken for granted. It pains me to accept money from DP although he is more than happy to give me money I get a weekly bank deposit to my account and if for some reason I'm short he will happily give me more.
The problem is he works away during the week and I'm on my own with the DC's then when he is home we spend all our time as a family so I feel like I never get a break. Not even an hour. Not because he objects but her would never think to say " I'll mind the kids away u and have a wee bath?" Or have an hour to yourself etc. am I just being selfish? I always tell him how much we appreciate how hard he works for us but the job I do at home is simply expected. I'm not asking for Pom poms and fireworks just maybe a pat on the back or good job from time to time.
So. I want to ask for a regular hour off when he's home. Even if it's just to go out on my own for a walk. How do I say all this without sounding hugely ungrateful and selfish?

OP posts:
RiotsNotDiets · 21/09/2013 10:52

Him giving you money is a bit odd, why can't you have a joint account so you don't have to ask him for money? He goes to work to earn it, but he wouldn't be able to do that if you weren't looking after the kids so it's your money too really.

And of course it's not selfish, he should want to do it anyway!

WayHarshTai · 21/09/2013 10:53

I don't understand what you think you need to be grateful for?

he shoudl be fucking grateful he has a wifey at home doing all the shitwork so he can swan around being the Big I Am and giving you pin money.

Why don't you have equal access to family money? Why can't you hand the kids over to him for a day and go out somewhere? Why do you feel you need to ask for 'time off'? You're not an employee.

DIYapprentice · 21/09/2013 10:53

There is nothing wrong with having some time to yourself. Nothing at all. If you want to have time to have a soaking bath, tell him you're checking out for an hour later today to have an uninterrupted bath and you'd like him to mind the DC.

Or, ask him to take the DC to the park so that you can have a quiet cuppa in a coffee shop and read a magazine, ON YOUR OWN.

These things are possible.

But.... I have to ask, why can you never have a bit of time off for yourself during the week? Unless you really don't have the spare money, what's wrong with hiring a babysitter so that you can go and have a night out with some friends. With a bit of effort you can find someone who would look after them for a couple of hours during the day in the week so that you can get out on your own - go for a walk, go to the gym, even do the grocery shopping without having DC around is blissful.

It's not wasted money, it's money invested in your sanity.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 21/09/2013 10:55

There's nothing ungrateful about wanting an hour (AN HOUR?! is that all you're planning to ask for?) to yourself once a week.

Why would you imagine there is?

Original poster
Captainbarnacles1101 · 21/09/2013 11:02

I don't know! It feels ungrateful because I spent the first x amount of years we were together dreaming rather loudly about being a SAHM. Now I am, I realise I have no me time at all. I mean zero. My parents help me out during the week minding the kids if I need them to. Ie my ds2 has special needs and I have lots of apts to attend with him so mum and dad mind ds3 while I do that. So I feel I can't ask them any more. I'd love to find someone to use as a babysitter during the week. Hmm. Where would I look? That's a brilliant idea.

OP posts:
harverina · 21/09/2013 11:03

Everyone needs time away. But ant it be more natural? Why can't you just run a bath and say I am having a bath, give me an hour to relax please. Or why can't you arrange to meet a friend for coffee/lunch on a Saturday and just tell your dh that you won't be around and he will have the children. It seems a bit odd to book time off rather than you just arrange things for yourself and tell him what you have planned.

harverina · 21/09/2013 11:04

Would you consider maybe one days nursery for the children? If that's within your reached financially I think that is a good idea. Would have you the day to yourself...even to do things like shopping etc without trailing e children with you Grin

Original poster
Captainbarnacles1101 · 21/09/2013 11:11

Harverina. Yes I could do a nursery one day a week. Do they do just 1 day? I will have a look at near by ones. I suppose the reason I hadn't been arranging things with friends etc was because the weekend has always been family time.

OP posts:
harverina · 21/09/2013 11:23

Yes you can book one day, half days, whatever you want! So long as it is agreed in advance.

I think arranging things for yourself is probably the best way forward. You can still have family time. I am not a sahm but last weekend I got my hair cut on Saturday and met friends for lunch. Still had the rest of Saturday and Sunday to spend with dh and dd. it's also good for dd to spend time with dh on her own too.

You don't have to fill your weekend with things, just occasionally do something on your own to give yourself some space. Go for a swim/gym on a Saturday morning for example, meet a friend for coffee...these just take a couple of hours so not taking you away from family time for a long time and it's wonderful having a bit of time to yourself!! This weekend I have no plans other than with dd and dh. Next weekend I am leaving at 6pm to go to a friends for dinner. I will be home by 11 ish so not a wild night or anything (am pregnant anyway!) but time to catch up with friends.

Mumsyblouse · 21/09/2013 11:52

Why do you feel you have to be eternally grateful for being a SAHM- this is an agreed role in your house, it's very demanding, and without you your DH would not be able to continue his very demanding job?

When my husband is home on the weekend, I often have some time out. When the kids were little, I used to have a nap for a couple of hours, now I go into work or do whatever I like really while he takes the children out for 2/3 hours. Equally, he's knackered (also works away) so I make sure he has a lie in on Sun or a sleep at another time, and he often goes out one night a week on the weekend as well.

If you need a rest, let him know you are having one and go and have one, ditto night out with friends and so on. We still spend the majority of the weekend together.

Fairenuff · 21/09/2013 22:17

I can't believe he makes no contribution to the family Shock

He should be doing his fair share.

CharlieB30 · 22/09/2013 00:07

Just because you're a SAHM it doesn't mean you have to do everything all of the time. Does he ever help out on his days off? After work?

I think you should just tell him you are popping to the shops or having a bath and don't ask.

My Dp never volunteers to have DS to give me a break, I have to just tell him, I'll only do it when he's on a day off and chillin at home so he has no excuse to say no.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page