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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

letting go of insecurity

7 replies

totallymessedupp · 21/09/2013 00:17

Long time lurker here, hoping someone can give me some advice. I'll try to be concise.
I have been with dp for 18mo now. We have known each other for 10 years though. When we first got together, I just knew he adored me. I knew he wanted me, thought I was gorgeous etc. Several things have happened though and it has caused me to doubt the sincerity of his opinion of me.
Firstly I discovered he lied to me regarding an attractive female on Facebook. Nothing happened, nothing flirty was said etc. But he lied to me and made me feel insecure etc. I have body image problems and this just exacerbated them. I then discovered by accident he had watched live cam girls. I told him this was cheating in my book and wouldn't be tolerated. He hasn't done it since. I told him how it made me feel ugly and inadequate etc and he was sorry etc. I just can't stop thinking about it though. It ruins my libido, I don't want to be naked in front of him. I look nothing like those girls. My body has been ravaged by 2 babies and rapid weight loss/gain. Why would he find me attractive when he obviously likes skinny sluts with big (non saggy) boobs. I think about it and it kills any excitement for me. How can I stop thinking about it. How can I go back to naively thinking he found me attractive? Logically I know he does find me attractive, its kind of obvious. Yet my brain says no to it, makes me picture him getting off on girls who are so much more than me. I just want to make it go away.
Sorry for any typo's, on my phone. Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
HappyGoLuckyGirl · 21/09/2013 00:27

Firstly - accidently watched live cam girls? Lie. You can't 'accidently' do that. You must log into a website and pay for it, they don't do it for free!

Secondly - you can never love someone else if you don't love yourself.

I would advise working on your own confidence and self-esteem issues, otherwise you'll always tell yourself he doesn't find you attractive, because you don't!

totallymessedupp · 21/09/2013 00:31

Oh sorry I wasn't clear. I found out by accident nit he watched by accident. I know, I am working on my self image. I want to be able to feel comfortable naked with him again though. I used to be despite my issues but now it feels wrong. I just want to move on from this, not dwell on it as I am doing.

OP posts:
Shapechanger · 21/09/2013 00:33

He's a disgrace - looking at cam girls. Ugh.

Don't you dare turn this back on yourself and compare yourself unfavourably with these women.

They are not 'more than you'. They are professional sex workers and it's a cold, empty transaction.

HotCrossPun · 21/09/2013 00:33

Skinny sluts? Hmm

HappyGoLuckyGirl · 21/09/2013 00:34

Agree with Shapechanger.

Yougotbale · 21/09/2013 00:44

Were you happy with how you looked/felt before the 'cam girls' incident?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/09/2013 07:38

If you struggle with confidence, why be with a man that makes you feel less confident? Partners are meant to enhance us, not bring us down. This isn't your problem, it's his. Right now he's fundamentally wrong for you.

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