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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

why does she resent my independence!!!

3 replies

wannaBe1974 · 24/06/2006 09:32

Some may remember that I've ranted about my mother on here before. She can be very controlling, hurtful etc and it frequently drives me up the wall.

Anyway this weekend DS has been invited to the birthday party of a little girl from his preschool. The party is in the function room of some pub that isn't that close to where we live, but is reachable by buss so no issue really. So when I told my mum about him having been invited to this party she asked if we'd want a lift. I said probably not and she was a bit quiet but didn't say anything. Then last night she rang to ask what was happening and whether or not we'd want a lift there. I said no, that my dh had looked at the buss times etc and it was perfectly pheasible to go there by buss, so thanks for offer but no. She became very defensive and said "oh well please yourself then!" I said that there was no need to be like that and she just said "well if that's how you want to be!" I left it at that.

What just really annoys me is that she's so resentful! It's as if she expects us to rely on her, and when we don't she becomes very defensive and agressive. Firstly I feel that it's not a good idea to rely on people for everything as one day she won't be there and if I'd relied on her then I'd be at a loss, secondly I'm very independent and don't feel the need to rely on other people, and thirdly I really don't want my ds to grow up thinking that we can't go anywhere unless nanny takes us there.

I absolutely appreciate that there are times when my parents have been great and have taken me places etc just like most parents would. My dad is totally different he'll say "oh give us a shout if you need a lift" but doesn't force the issue - why can't my mum be like that?

OP posts:
Tommy · 24/06/2006 09:38

because she's your Mum and not your Dad....
She sounds like my Mum - any offer and help is always on her terms which makes you not want to ask for help at all!

NotQuiteCockney · 24/06/2006 09:39

It sounds like she wants to feel useful, as that's her way of feeling loved? It's a pretty common attitude in parents, I think. But not very pleasant, all the same.

When I'm with my parents (just dad now) I do let them do things for me that I wouldn't normally, but they're not normally with me, so I don't feel "dependant".

Could you see letting her give you a lift (if it would really help) sometimes as a favour you're secretly doing for her?

Ledodgyherring · 24/06/2006 09:47

I agree with NQC, I realise it can be annoying but at least she's there to help. Remember she won't be around forever so make the most of her while you can and let your kids enjoy her too. I know it must be aggravating at times but it does sound like her heart is in the right place.
Don't want to lay a guilt trip on you here but as someone who has lost both parents and whose children have never met their grandparents on my side I really feel this is important. Right now i'd give anything for an offer of help from family.

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