Break away from parents...anyone done it??

[sadandupset]

I've very recently, told my parents that I don't want to see them again. I know I'm right and it's the best thing for me but I'm having a really hard time with it.
I'm a single parent and relied on my parents for so much but realised they were using the fact that I needed them to get at and blackmail me.
I've gone through too many bad experiences, and had to battle what was happening on top of the crap I was getting from my parents and finally snapped.
I wrote them a letter telling them everything I've ever wanted to say, I'm glad I did it, it's been such a relief to get it out. but I'm really feeling very lost at the moment and keep picking up the phone to call my mum...them remembering.
Has anyone been here, got any advice on how to get through it?
I relied so much on them I'm really feeling completely lost and alone now, and questioning what I've done.

Sorry to hear this. Don't have any relevant advice but wanted you to know that someone is listening. {{{hug}}} You're the only one who knows your situation and I know that there are some parents out there that aren't what they should be. Perhaps if you let the dust settle for a few weeks or months you could restart contact on your own terms. I hope you find peace.xx

im sure your mom will phone you, sometimes with my mom and dad they seem to think they can get away with a LOT with me as they help us out so much its as if because they do help us out they think that gives them the god dam right to stick their nose in all the time they have a right

When it does get to that point with them we allways have a big falling out but after a couple of days guarenteed my mom will phone me and apologise for their behaviour and will be on their best behaviour for weeks then they slowly creep back to sticking their nose in!!

Ive come to realise that they dont actually realise when they are doing it to them me and ds are evrything and they just want the best for us just because im 26 and have my own family now to them im still their little girl i suffer from depression and lately been bad with it when dp had to work last sat i was throwing up everywhere just gone back on my tablets and they came round with out me asking got ds and washed,changed,fed ds then took him out for the day

its bitter sweet with them and when i think about it the good weighs out the bad in them, apart from dp their is no one else i would trust ds with.

Really hope for you that things will be sorted with them, how long has it been since you spoke to them???

Theres a good book that was recommended called toxic parents that may be some use use to you although im not sure what your exact situaltion with your parents is. It seems to me that you may just need a short break from your parents to evaluate what sort of relationship you want with them. Having written them a letter explaining how theyve made you feel etc will give them something to ponder about as well.

It also seems that you may be struggling with the fact that you no longer have a relationship with them. Is it really that bad? Have you confronted them before and tried to work things out? or as it just got to a point where youve just had enough.I think it is worth trying to work out but only if both partys are willing to change and make the effort.

Thanks everyone for replying. Sorry I havn't gotton on sooner havn't had a second to sit down today!
I have the toxic parents book mum2sam, it really was a help and it was reading that that spurred me to write the letter.
I havn't spoken to them for a few weeks now.
I really do think that theres no going back now, my parents will never try and fix what's happened, they'd probably deny it all or blame me if I actually tried to talk to them about it
I think I'm struggling with coming to terms with not having that relationship with them even though it was a bad one, and my life has changed beyond recognition now I don't have that support from them too and thats quite hard to deal with.
I'm waffling now, so I'll go before I bore everyone to death

It's difficult to say without knowing the details.

My father died when I ws a baby and I suppose you could say that I am emotionally estranged from my mother and that is my choice and something she isn't even aware of.

My mother has I think suffered from undiagnosed PND for decades and it has ruined her life and all her relationships. She is past the point of no return and is so deluded it really would be a waste if time trying to help, talk or explain things to her. But neither do I want to hurt her just so I can feel better.

There was a time a few years ago when I was consumed with anger about her failure to be a loving responsible mother. I sometimes did have dramatic ideas about telling her, but I'm glad I didn't, cos it couldn't have made the slightest bit for difference to her, and would have only upset me at her lack of reaction.

I liev away from her and visit a few times a year so she can see her grandson. She has never had nor ever will have unsupervised contact - but she doesn't know that this is a policy. Telling her that would just be for my benefit and I don't want revenge or to make her hurt like she hurt me, or stuff like that. I couldn't care less now.

Just be careful who you are actually doing this for..

sadandupset I have told my mum that I no longer consider myself her daughter and that I never want to see her again. She has always been abusive and over my divorce has been unbelievable. I finally realised that she was like poison.

It is hardest for the rest of my family to accept and I have ahd a few rows over it but for me it has also been very liberating. I do not miss the nightmare of her winding me up or destroying my fragile peace in the least.

Thanks monkeytrousers, I appreciate the input. I did spend a lot of time thinking it through before I actually sent the letter.
I don't want to go into too much detail because my mother knows I use this site (hence the name change!) but it is more a case with us of specific hurtful and abusive things they've done to me over the years. I didn't want to hurt them, although I'm sure I have by telling them but I really felt that I couldn't get past it until I'd gotton it out into the open.
I don't want or expect a response from them and I'm glad I havn't had one.
I'm feeling much better about things this evening, It's just such a strange situation for me, being completely away from them. I think it's going to take a long time to get used to!

i feel i absolutely had to add to this one. i am in exactly the same boat as yyou only my parent s refused to ever help me and let me down over and over and allowed my younger sister to bully and control everything including me. i finally made the decision very recently and like you i keep questionning myself. its when their selfishness hurt my son that i had finally had enough.l its hard but i have had to accept that the mythical perfect parents are never going to materialise adn i had to choose whether or not i could accept their ways any more. which i cant. there is a little more too it then that but to keep it brief i just wanted to say stay strong. its really hard but in the end you will respect yourself a great deal more for the strength to go it alone and not have someone manipulate you for what after all should be what families do when times are hard

I wasn't brave enough to do the final ending letter thing with my mother but I have emotionally cut her off after years of her letting me down (to put it mildly - dont want to rant on your thread!). The thing that kept me strong was something someone said to me once - you have to earn the right to be a parent. A true parent is not someone who uses your weakness/vulnerability to their benefit. I'm sure you will emerge from all this much stronger and happier and you wouldn't have done what you have unless you really needed to... [hugs].

Hello sadandupset,

I know it's months later but I've just come across your thread and I had to blink as it could have been written by me. I have done exactly the same thing with my parents at around the same sort of time as yourself.

I was wondering how you're getting on now, over 6 months later.

I don't have any moments of regret at what I've done but I do have ongoing issues with my sisters who don't understand why I've had to break away from our parents and falling out with them (my sisters) is causing me a lot of upset and hurt.

I would love to hear from anyone else in the same situation as I was not part of the thread last year and it is something that is going to take me a long time to get over and move forward from.

one plus one - you really cou;d be me
I am almost more hurt by the reaction of my sisters to my situation than i am about the abuse suffered at the hands of my parents
Yes it is very liberating to break the chain and thus the cycle and i do not and have not regretted it.
however my sisters apparent support of my parents and shunning of me has cut deep...sorry for rant

Hi Notanotter,

I feel the same way, it has only recently dawned on me that despite my sisters in some ways being able to understand the issues I have with our parents, they have that parent child bond which means ultimately their loyalties lie with my parents rather than me.

I feel upset that I didn't bond with my parents, or rather that they never bonded with me, and I guess that's the reason I was able to break away in the first place.

I have arranged to see a counsellor over this whole issue as it keeps going round and round in my head and sometimes I feel like I'm going mad. I want to be able to put it behind me and move on.

I am also meeting with my sisters in a few weeks time to discuss the whole issue and I would like to try and maintain some sort of relationship with them but I really don't know if it will be possible and that really hurts.

you seem to be making positive moves ...how many sisters do you have ? what number are you?

If it is upsetting you this much I think you may need to rethink.Talk to them Life is short and resentment like this festers.It won't get easier over time it will get harder as your kids grow up and you all secretly miss each other but are too scared to hold out the olice branch.Do you really intend never to see tham again before they die(sorry)?If you do you will need some sort of counselling to help you do this.

I have 2 sisters, I'm the eldest and I bore the brunt and worst of my dad's psychotic behaviour which began when i was around 10. My sisters are 5 years and 8 years younger than me so just do not remember a lot of what went on.

I also was not at all close to my mum when I was growing up, whilst my sisters were, so they obvsiously feel sorry for her as she is not getting to see her grandchildren.

Noddyholder, I would be happy never to see my parents again, i would be upset if I never saw my sisters again, but this is partly for my childrens sake as they would miss out on having 2 aunties and potential cousins.

I do think I need counselling, but I am happy in every other aspect of my life and I do feel I can in time put this behind me.

you sound very 'together' despite the tough time you have had. Personally i understand breaking ties with those who caused so much upset. lets hope your sisters come round

By a very strange coincidence I had a letter from my parents this morning asking me reconsider my decision to break all ties with them.

But it is very clear from their letter that their main motivation is to try and persuade me to let them see the grandchildren, they have no interest in resolving the issues I have with them and acknowledging the hurt they have caused me. All they have ever done is deny it all and blame me for their behaviour.

I'm not going to fall for their sob story, I am going to write back setting out in full details all my memories of their abuse and nasty behaviour towards me and ask them why I should agree to see them and also tell them they should have thought about their future grandchildren when they were emotionally, physically and mentalling abusing me.

These stories are so sad. My parents are wonderful - even better grandparents to my children then perhaps they were parents to DB and I. They made mistakes with us that they have enough experience not to make with the gcs.

oneplusone - are you afraid they will hurt/abuse your children? or is it simply that you want to cut all contact completely regardless. Sorry if I sound nosey but I can't imagine it.

oneplusone...

I understand how you are feeling. I haven't spoken to my mother for 13 years now. If you search my name you will find my story all over mumsnet. The latest thread is by pages and is in relationships 'my mother cut me out of her life' & you will see why I have decided not to see my mother again.

You can do this, if you are sure you want to. It will be hard & you will feel all sorts of emotions.

You are welcome to ask any questions & those of us going thru what you arewill be happy to help you.

I have a fairly difficult relationship with my mum for reasons I won't go in to here but I keep contact for ds's sake Maybe they can try to apologise and make things up to you via their actions with yuor dc I think mine do this and I let her and just accept she was never that way with me

I am bumping this thread so that anyone who was posting on here can have a look, if they are interested, at the thread titled 'But we took you to stately homes - A thread for people from abusive families' in relationships. It's very much along the same lines as this thread and i think will be very helpful for the posters on this thread.

Have not read replies. Good for you. Parents try their best - but if we do need to ask from them in later life it is hard for them not to be patronisng ... and worse. Setting down your own boundaries will both help you and them in the long-run.

Main thing is - avoid arguments. Avodi insults. Avodi anything that you cannot bakc-track from. You deserve your independance, maturity ... what has happened within your won personal life has nothign to do with this.

Many parents of our generation stayed together for the sake fo the chidlren. It was a different world.

Your instinctive boundaries will be correct. So long as you avoid hurtful comments you will work it out over time and maintain the love.

It is better to be insincere and say that "somebody is at the door" than than to say "I hate you, this is too much for me, I have no space, you think you own me ...etc". ...