Question from a lone-parenting rookie

[Handywoman]

(posted on Lone Parents but it's a bit quiet)

Been on my own with the girls since June when I kicked out my miserable, moody and generally inept STBXH who has since put his tail between his legs and moved out with not so much as a word on the subject. We are in the process of separating finances etc and In view of my X's attitude (apparently feels there's 'nothing to say') I have been cultivating a healthy detachment from him and ridding myself of any feelings of obligation towards him. As part of this I'm seeing a solicitor next week re: divorce (can't see the point in waiting).

We have a daughter in Y6 and next week we start looking around schools. Ordinarily XH would have taken a back seat with this decision (as with pretty much all decisions regarding the dc - he could never be described as a positive or hands-on dad). My dd's both have SEN which he has always taken a very 'oh well' stance with (in contrast with a lot of hard graft and advocacy and fighting put in by me) and I'm happy and more than capable of making the right choice on my own. Viewed some last year any way (due to the SEN).

Frankly I can't be bothered informing him and asking him to come and view the schools with us. If he does it will be strained and this will affect my daughter plus make an already packed schedule (I work FT) even more stressful. He would not think to ask to come and see the schools (he is aware that school choice needs made by end Oct). However am mindful about being new to this single parenting lark and wonder if this is right, or whether I ought to do him the courtesy of asking if he wants to come along and see the schools (not in keeping with my new sense of not giving a monkeys about his feelings). I feel it is a bit early to go along to things together because since finding out my X has 'nothing' to say about the end of 14 years of marriage I am detached.... but... in a 'I would like to slash your tyres' kind of way. Any thoughts from more experienced lone parenters welcome......

Inexperienced lone parent here (6 months) but I would tell him and give him a chance. My x dips in and out of how bothered he is but I have been trying to include him, for my dd's sakes. For instance, he came along to the nursery settling in session in August but hasn't asked about how they're doing/ offered to pick up/ drop off since. However, at least I can hold my head up. Also, he does have a right to have a say...however crap he's been.
You sound very capable and a great mum btw.

Wow, what a pearler he sounds.
If I were in your shoes I'd say something like..."I'm going to look at so-and-so schools on and . If you want to come you can but no pressure"
Then at least you've given him the option so he can't bleat about being left out of the loop.

Relatively inexperienced LP here (about 9 months). I'd agree with mamma, I'd give him the times and dates and just leave it up to him whether he comes or not. It's in your dcs' best interests to have the best relationship they can with their Dad, so give him the option of being involved. And this is a big decision.

It's hard going to something together though, I know. Do the schools have more than one open day?

Been on my own since June too so not more experienced in lone parenting but will be sending my ds to school next year for the first time and won't be asking my ex for his opinions or to visit schools. If your ex specifically asks about it then involve him, if he doesn't then tough tits, make it your decision. Afterall I'm sure you will be the one dealing with the day to day school stuff not him. Sod him I say!

I am not an experienced lone parent but I know how you feel. We have 3 dcs and he has never shown any interest In their schooling, I left with dcs a few months ago and have already been asked by one of the the teachers what i want to do about parents evening - in the past he hasn't given a toss and I just been left to it, not even asked when I got home how they getting on. Now I am faced with having to somehow communicate with him to advise him, letting the school let him know or just not bothering and see if he asks which is the one I am leaning too. That's not much help to you I know but some comfort you are not the only one with a similar dilemma

Why does he have to come on the same day as you? Sounds like it wouldn't be much fun for anyone. How would you feel about telling him which schools you're considering, and that you'll be visiting? If he wants to visit (unlikely from what you've said) he can arrange it himself.

I agree with stowsettler and let him know when you are going, but don't go out of your way to be accommodating - if that makes sense. It's difficult but you will always be the better person if you don't deliberatly exclude him. He may not bother or he may suddenly develop an interest (like my exh). If he does the latter then bite the bullet nod in the right places and do what you want anyway!!

I just think that if you give him the option to be slightly involved from the beginning then at least he might be half likely to turn up to open days/ sports days/ drama performances etc which would make your dc happy. I read recently that a dads involvement in a child's education has a real impact on their view of their own learning etc. it can't be helped if he doesn't show up and support them at school things but if you offer him a choice at least you've done the best by them, in my humble opinion anyway x

I just ex dh with medical appointments and parents evenings. He never replies and it is then his choice not to attend.

Invite him and if he does not come then also sned him notification of school choices; he has parental responsibility and can make you look a arse in court if not plus you need to look towards having a good coparenting relationship; best for you and best for kids and you (unless you enjoy 24 7 domestic drudgery 365 days a year and want to have zero me time for next 10 years... He needs to do his share)
Also tbh you sound angry, in denial and nose out of joint he's not made some big romantic play to get you back or something and are being a bit bitchy; try to be aware of your feelings and don't let them get in way of doing right things for your kids
Your road to lp, divorce and child contact is only just beginning and it can get bumpy! Take care

Please believe me when I say I am not 'nose out of joint' re the lack of romantic gesture. Plus am not in the least bitchy. I just thought 14yrs or marriage was worth an acknowledgment from him of some sort. Sorry but I think Im entitled to feel hurt by that cheers. I made a huge effort in our marriage and tried really hard to make him happy but he was a miserable, angry man at home. I

4 years as a lp now and I always inform him of everything.
Up to him what he attends but equally I can't attend everything, I work, so we have a balance where he goes to some and so do I. Some we attend together.

we choose high schools next year and as she's with her dad eow that will include homework so he needs to be a part of that to support her learning and be involved.
I tell him for our dds and for my own piece of mind that I've done the right thing by them.

Good luck it's not easy x

I am definitely not in denial either. I am quite aware of my feelings and that's why I posted the question.

Handy, I am an old hand with 15 years experience raising 2 teenage DC and an EXH who like yours was pretty much 'oh well' about everything. I broke my neck trying to get help for my DS who had learning difficulties all through primary school while EXH did nothing. Your EXH knows full well that moving to a new school is on the horizon. Has he bothered contacting you to discuss the options? If he hasn't you just plough on and don't bother contacting him.

When he finds out that you have gone ahead he just might get off his arse and help. There will be a multitude of decisions to be made in the years ahead with your girls and you don't want to have to beg him to get on board everytime something crops up. Try a different approach and see if he mans up. If he doesn't just accept that you will be doing these things on your own. You are more capable than you give yourself credit for. You have done a fantastic job supporting your girls without his help.

I just didnt mention it with ex #1 and he never asked. With ex#2 he and I discussed it and agreed but thats because he is a good man and a good father (we split because we drifted too far apart to get it back, I still think a lot of him).

With yours I would take stance 1, do what is best for your DD and if he asks just say "Oh, well you werent bothered before so I didnt really think to mention it" in a slightly surprised way. Tbh, I very much doubt he will bother as he doesnt seem the type to fight in either a caring or a controlling/abusive way. Far too much like hard work......

FYI, within 2 years ex #1 had stopped seeing DD and hasnt seen her in the 14 years since. I rather suspect that you may find the same happens.

This is a 'moral high ground' situation and I agree with others that it's important to do the right thing, even if it feels artificial. A 'miserable, angry' man might want to make your life difficult at the divorce stage - it happens. If you offer involvement and it's rejected, you have at least made the effort.

You may be detached from him but please don't give him reasons to detach from your daughter, including her education. I really feel you must invite him (and this is from someone who had very recently split from her ex just at the school looking round stage and boy was it awkward)!

Plus, if for any reason the school you pick turns out to be a bad choice you want him to carry a share of the blame .

Just tell him when you're going. He is an adult so should be capable of arranging to go along too if he wants to. If he chooses not to then it's up to him, and at least you'll have an idea how the next few years will pan out.

Bear in mind that even if you do involve him he may well just walk away. XP couldn't be bothered to get involved in parenting so he was off the scene within 6 months of splitting up.

Op its quite normal to be angry and upset. I am not critising. Your everythings lovely version, I dont mind at all, just don't ring true. Nor does your exh feeling nothing cause he's said nothing. But anyway moving on for rivers in egypt...
More important keep it out of coparenting including away from your ds (they don't need any sniping comments about their dad not caring about schools etc).
And think long term for you and ds. Raising ds alone with all the responsibility is really tough. And they need their dad even if you don't.

I also think just because he hasn't said anything about the end of the marriage doesn't mean he doesn't feel anything about it. He's a grown adult with a voice so he had his chance to communicate but for whatever reason sometimes people don't/can't. I very much doubt it's because you/marriage/ his family meant nothing to him. Give him the opportunity to be a good dad. By that I mean no more effort than informing him of dates/times. He does have the right to know. If he doesn't show well then that's his look out. You haven't lost anything.

I've been on my own about a year. Like yours my ex is angry and generally left (and leaves) all child type organisation to me.

I told him about the open evenings, (which he didn't come to), and I told him which school I was applying for. He just left it to me although he did have the opportunity to speak up. I think he just thinks I know more about this and so leaves it to me.

Frankly I would love him to take more interest; I could do with the support myself; no matter what our relationship status is now. But I can see it's not going to happen. I always keep him in touch though, so he has the choice.

mumsforjustice your posts are quite snippy I dont know if you are meaning them to be...

OP I am almost 4 years in and my take was that xh knew as well as I did when things were in a school calendar and it was no longer my responsibility to keep him informed of stuff. I suggested he get himself on the mailing list of events and of course he didnt resting on the certain knowledge I would cover them which of course I did.

I used to send them with their reports for him to see but he wasnt that interested so I stopped but then he has always said plainly he thinks all the fuss about education is stupid so this has influenced by decisions on school etc.

Nowadays when I cant make something due to work he will go. I have seen plenty of things at school with both divorced parents in attendance and thats fine but I was never going to fall into that camp. This has not caused any problems for XH the DC or I.

I think maybe choosing the actual school they will go to falls out of this though and I would try and swallow hard and tell him when you are making visits so he can go if he wishes.

yes the safe thing to do is the above. The first few parents evenings I notified ex of. After he told dd he'd turn up and didn't with some arse end excuse.

However now I just got on with it. your ex knows what's coming up, has he contacted you to ask if you will be coming on visits with him? why take responsibility for his parenting inability.

if it's something there is no

sorry cut and paste disaster.

basically if he can't be bothered to find things out for himself why is it your responsibility.

court accepted this when he mianed to cpurt I left him put of decisions

I split with my xp nearly 8 years ago. I am currently splitting with my h. There is a massive difference. Xp cannot and has never been bothered. I have never gone out of my way to involve him have simply told him what I was doing and then left it up to him. He never comes to any parent's evenings etc never bothers to find out about anything. If he asks I make an effort but he always ruins it by making it all about him; sulked all day at sports day because I knew other parents and he didn't.

I have taken to simply ignoring him.

With my h I am sure I will carry on telling him and he will carry on being involved because he is a proper parent and not a selfish twat.

So I agree with other advice just let him know what you are doing and let him make his own arrangements. That way if he can't be bothered you won't all be let down.