More problems with Ex - so angry I don't know what to do - HELP! (long)

[spacemonkey]

I've posted a few times about problems I've had with my xh recently ... well, this weekend really takes the biscuit, and I'm now so upset and angry I really don't know what to do next - please help me untangle my thoughts!

Bit of background - we split 5 years ago - I left after meeting someone else. The marriage had been terrible for years and I had threatened to leave on numerous occasions. We have 2 children (dd is now 12 and ds is 10). The split was VERY acrimonious - he was upset (understandably) and angry for a long time afterwards. I accepted a lot of abusive behaviour from him because I felt guilty about the way that it all ended. We haven't divorced, he has the children 2 nights a week and he has never paid any child support (he claims that his "babysitting" services equate to £x).

Most of the time things are OK. I try not to rock the boat because I know he loves the kids and they love him, and I feel it's more important to keep things civilised for them than to make a big deal out of every bit of unreasonable behaviour from him for the sake of it.

However, this weekend we had a huge row. He had asked to have the kids to stay on Saturday night, so dp and I arranged to go away to a nice hotel for valentines. When I dropped the kids off on saturday, it was obvious xh was in one of his moods and wouldn't look at me or talk to me directly (he gets like this every so often). I really hate leaving the kids with him when he#s like that, so as we drove away dp could see I was feeling pretty upset and wouldn't be able to relax and enjoy our night away, so we went home instead. Then the next day I received a phone call from ds' football manager telling me that he was stranded at football with no-one to take him home. Xh had put ds in a taxi at 9am and sent him off to his football match unsupervised and had just left him there in the rain with no coat, no money and no-one to be responsible for him!

I was livid and stormed round there and to my shame I absolutely let rip at him in front of the kids. He said that he thought I was picking ds up even though I had quite clearly told him I would pick the kids up from his place at 2pm.

I feel this is the last straw. I cannot cope with this sort ofbehaviour any more and wish I could justify stopping him from seeing the children at all - but I know this wouldn't be fair to them, and they want to see him. I know that I must get together with him and talk to him about how we can go forward from here and prevent this sort of thing happening again. I just don't know where to start and I don't trust myself to sit in a room with him and not lose my temper again! I feel that I have bottled my anger up so many times over incidents like this, I need to vent it somehow.

This post is long enough already - I could go on and on with examples of his crappy behaviour but I won't.

Any advice or views would be greatly appreciated ... HELP!!!!

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Your dh is using your kids as pawns to try and snipe at you.

My suggestion is that you formalise the contact arrangements. That way he can't pretend to get times and dates confused. It also gets rid of all the conversations you must have to have to make arrangements at the moment.

Hear hear Galaxy. Spacemonkey, mate, BIG HUGS! Will call you. xxxxxx

thank you for your messages (and your phone call lou)

janstar you are right, access arrangements need to be formalised - i think now is the time to start divorce proceedings, which will force us to agree on the arrangements for the children

galaxy - thank you, i'm glad to hear you also think it's unacceptable to put ds in a taxi and send him off alone to football like that

lou33 helped me to make a list of the various issues which i need to address - i think the reason i am getting so confused is because there are so many different issues running around in my head:

• his responsibility (or lack of) for the care of the children when they are with him (this weekend's events for instance)

• he uses DD as a confidante

• he uses DD as an intermediary when he is in one of his moods and doesn't want to talk to me directly

• when my mum (who lives in italy) had a stroke and i had to fly over there at short notice i told the children she had had a minor car accident (at the time i thought this would worry them less than telling them she had had a stroke) and he chose to tell them the truth the day i came back to the UK - since then DD has accused me of being a liar (encouraged by him)

• Child Support (lack of)

• he changes arrangements for the children at short notice

• initiating divorce proceedings and formalising arrangements for the care of the children

I can't believe I've let it go on like this for soooo long. I'll probably write him a letter taking each of these issues in turn rather than try to talk to him face to face and end up with another row.

It is obvious his bitterness towards you is affecting his relationshp with his kids
I was a pawn when ym parents divorced, as the eldest and a girl (I was 11)
I saw and heard things/arguments, punching of walls, spital fired abuse and threats, emotional blackmail, suicidal threats, custody exmeption bars, legal action, non molestation orders
All this for a marriage that ended with my mother adandoning my dad because she was bored!
Not relevant to you at all, I think you are obviously with the right man no...
All I cansuggest is that perhaps to put it down in writing to your xh. That you are not prepared to allow your children to become the 3rd and 4th victims of the marriage breakdown
He has to accept its over and the best way forward is acceptance (if not forgiveness) and he needs to find another outlet for his anger.
Its not easy and you have a lot of courage, good luck - I turned out ok after all of it !!

spacemonkey it looks like you have sorted out what you need to do now. I think it is awful what he does. Good Luck to you xx

thank you fio and kiwisbird - i'm sorry to hear how awful things were for you at my dd's age i will certainly be writing to him this week ... hope he will see sense but am bracing self for onslaught of verbal abuse

Spacemonkey, this sounds horrible. I agree, get a divorce, get him to pay maintenance and set down some ground rules for contact with them. Also put it in writing just in case things get nasty(ier). Outrageous that he should send a 10 yo off on his own in a cab and that he should use a 12yo as his confindante - she is too young to have to shoulder these emotional burdens, poor love. It sounds to me like he wants to do extreme things to get a reaction from you and the children are the only way he thinks he can get at you. What a very nasty piece of work he sounds. You have to make it clear that this is not on and what will happen if it continues. Sorry I don't have any particularly constructive advice but I hope you find a way to sort this out.

It's one thing to feel bitter towards you,but to make the children suffer for it is unforgivable. Your poor son. That's dreadful just packing him off in a taxi - something truly awful could have happened. Suppose your son, without any money and with no way of getting home, had been left on his own? Or tried to walk home alone and got lost? He really put him at serious risk. I think your list is excellent. He should pay towards his children's upkeep and he should never ever try a stunt like that again. I also hate using children as confidantes or passing messages through them. It's cruel. Good luck with everything. Write a letter and if he shouts at your or is abusive, put the phone down right away. You don't have to take it.

contact the CSA and get some formal maintenance, its crap that if he has them two nights a week that he doesn't have to pay anything. If he has them more than 52 nights a year the maintenance is reduced but he should still pay some.

You really have my full sympathy with regards to hsi behaviour, I too suffer from the same sort of treatment from my ex, why cant these men put their childrens feelings first instead of taking making them suffer for the way they feel about their ex's. B£$%$^*&$£!!!

Hugs xx

Why is it that when they have the children their "babysitting",sorry thats something my sister or my nieghbour does for my children,i wouldnt call what i do babysitting the kids so why is it that men think they are "babysitting"-it so gets on my goat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bloody bastard - I hope you get things sorted out satisfactorily Spacemonkey but I would suggest you get a solicitor and get him / her to write

He put your ds in danger to get at you. That is unforgiveable IMO. Hope you are OK SM, you seem to have got it sorted out in your head now...xxx

you're bloody brilliant you lot are thank you (glad to see you back chinchilla)

i don't feel particularly clear in my head, but am going to write some stuff down when the kids are in bed which hopefully will clarify things more

am still SO LIVID that he put my little boy at risk like that, and very hurt on ds' behalf that the one time his dad had the opportunity to watch him playing football he couldn't be bothered to go (he's never been). Even dp (who hates football) has been to quite a few of ds' matches! GRRRRRRRR

am almost snivelling here with gratitude at your messages - thank you XXX

Spacemonkey, it sounds like you have 3 children with the oldest one being the biggest sulkiest one of all. Your ex-h sounds like a really selfish, self pitying idiot who gives fathers a bad name. Formalise your arrangements and get maintenance as other posters have said. Your guilt over what has happens years ago should end here and if he can't deal with it then get him to see someone who can help him as his bitterness will leave him old and alone. I hope you son is OK and doesn't blame himself for the row you had with his dad. Best of luck

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You would no doubty file the divorce under 'Husband's unreasonable behaviour'

the writing things down is more to clarify it all in my own mind, although i was thinking of writing him a carefully worded letter later in the week when i've calmed down, but perhaps you are right and i should see a solicitor first.

I've seen two solicitors over the last 5 years with the intention of starting divorce proceedings - the first time I wasn't entitled to legal aid so couldn't afford the fees, and the second time xh didn't respond to the solicitor's letters and I let it drop because my circs had changed and again I couldn't afford to do it.

I was thinking of doing the divorce myself, so then I would only have the court fees to pay, but I guess that will depend on xh being willing to come to an agreement about provisions for the children's care. Perhaps it is just time I stopped being scared of him and put it in the solicitor's hands. This is why after 5 years we still aren't divorced - fear that he will stir up even more trouble for me and the kids - but he's doing that anyway, so there's nothing to lose.

Can't bear the thought of him being a thorn in my side until the children are grown up (and beyond!)

One piece of advice my mum gave me is to never write to people you are angry with. Best piece of advice I have ever had, and it has come in useful! Best to leave it to the solicitor SM. It will help YOU to write them down though, even if you only do it to refer to at a later date.

good point chinchilla, although i will do it if only for my own benefit

Lets off a bit of steam