What to do with a depressed mum and upset daughters.

[ArthurScargillsgingerpube]

Sorry if this is in the wrong section, but I need some advise please as I really dont know what to do for the best here.

My wife left Jan 2011. She had just fallen out of love, no one else involved and we have retained a very strong friendship ever since. We share our two daughters on a 50 50 basis. Our girls are 14 and 17.

My ex had always suffered from Depression since PND after the birth of our second. She has good days and bad days. However at the moment she is very down after changing meds, additionally she split from a boyfriend and it has really knocked her down. I've been supportive as a friend would, however my girls are now at the stage where they do not want to spend time with her as the atmosphere is awful, she never talks and seems to be completely wrapped up in her own problems.

I have always emphasised how much their mother loves them and the girls know this, but they do not want to be around her when she is so down. Last night my youngest was quite upset, she came round to mine and didnt want to go back. What I am struggling with is do I broach the subject with their mum. If the poor girl is so down, imagine what it would do to her if I told her how the girls feel... it would be like kicking her when she is down, but on the other hand, I hate to see my girls so upset.

I really dont know what to do for the best and would welcome any advise from you all.

Thanks.

It's tricky. I would try and educate your children about depression a bit more. Maybe show them the science and the emotions involved. There are plenty of good documentaries about if reading wouldn't interest them. This may make them more aware and more understanding. It will help them separate the illness from their mum.

You will know best, but maybe speak to you ex when she is more stable.

Educate by all means, encourage sympathy, but don't force your children to spend time with someone who is displaying behaviour bad enough to disturb them so much. She may be damaged but she's an adult, she's made her own choices and her own mistakes and she's ultimately responsible for her own health and relationship with others. Your children need you more than she does.

Your children are her DD's, not her mental health support team.

Educate? Yes
Have a general chat about her new meds/are they helping/etc? Sure

Otherwise, Cogito has it right...your firs duty is to your DD's and if they're unhappy there then you shouldn't be forcing them to be there.

What Cogito says. I've had depression and I know how horrible it can be but your primary responsibility here is towards your daughter's well-being. They need to be reminded that they are not responsible for their mother's feelings and that if they need to have some a break from being with her for their own good then they can make that choice.

It might be worth giving MIND a call to see if they have any advice about how to help explain the situation to your daughters.

Is your ex getting outside help?

I don't want them to be a mental health team. And I don't think they should be made to see her if she is in a state that upsets them. However, there is a difference between thinking 'mum is horrible, she won't talk' and 'mum is ill at the moment so we will stay at dads'.

It helps them take the 'personal nature of depression' and see it as symptoms of the illness. They don't have to like or be around the symptoms but knowing its not personal to them may help the long term relationship between your DDs and ex.

*take out

I've explained all about depression to them and they do understand. I'm just worried that by explaining how they feel to the ex it will be a catalyst for a complete implosion. Imagine being told your kids dont want to be around you while you are like this.

BUT you are all right... my first priority is the girls. You haven't told me anything I didnt know, but I feel like I cant do right for doing wrong at the moment.

Thanks.

You can't legislate for how someone else feels - especially someone with mental health problems. What are the alternatives realistically? The DCs just don't go any more and she's left wondering why - making up worse reasons than the truth? Tell her the truth 'more in sorrow than in anger', encourage her to get some medical help and, whatever the outcome, you can be sure you did the right thing.

teach them about setting boundaries - so they ok to say to mum "i know you feeling bad, so I will come sit with you for an hour on sunday" .
so they can still see her but limit time. set it on their terms. what coudl work for your dds in terms of contact? an hour in coffeee shop on saturday? or ?

if mum is aware she is down you could offer to call gp for her or take her to gp; if she isnt aware of how she is you could still call gp and make them aware. then up to the profressionals.

young carers has some good stuff on the site www.youngcarers.net/i_care_for_someone_who/30
and you could call local group see if they have any meetings for teens .

call your local regional ofice ask about local services - there is also a messaage board they could join
www.youngcarers.net/community/forums/default.aspx

OP - depending on the type of new medication the side effects normally go away after 3-6months. Maybe talking to your ex would be better once the new meds have settled (if you can wait that long).