Being assertive in relationships; getting the right balance (boundaries)

[Capitaltrixie]

Just that really.

My past (won't go in to it, but on other threads..) has meant my boundaries and esteem were previously completely shot. Much better these days but...I'm having a 'wobble' today

Feeling under pressure from Ex re: DC, just some arrangements (I try to encourage a relationship with Ex and DC, he's a good dad).

New P is cheesed off with contact with Ex not being at an absolute minimum. I do have to be in touch with EX relatively regularly because of DC, I try to keep to keep it to a minimum, but things crop up & Ex wants to be hands on and involved in big decisions such as schools etc, fair enough (in general new P absolutely lovely and no red flags about anything else).

Being assertive and listening to my gut are not natural, authentic behaviours for me, is there anything I can do to really cement the boundaries? (had lots of therapy, guess I'm asking for other tips maybe..)

This is what I would like to say to new P:
'I appreciate how you feel about the situation, it can't be easy having to deal with my twunt of an ex however I feel, rather than getting annoyed with me, I'd appreciate and value your support dealing with this complicated situation'
Sound ok?

Sounds good to me. I have always said that if my new partner has any issue with my relationship with ExDP, then they can go. The most important thing to me is mine and ExDP's ability to maintain a good relationship for the sake of our DD.

Luckily we get on well which makes it much easier.

'New P is cheesed off with contact with Ex not being at an absolute minimum.'

No, that IS a red flag, sorry.

Unless you spend happy hours over the dinner table chuntering on about how 'Ex feels excited about seeing DC tomorrow and oooh he'll be at the play and oooh you don't mind if he comes back here for a coffee on Friday after pickup and blah...'

• unless that's where you are, then he is being unreasonable, controlling, and it's a big massive RED FLAG that he is having any opinion on how you deal with your co-parenting relationship, and trying to put pressure on you to change it.

You should have his support, on the understanding that it goes without saying that it's likely to be a tricky relationship which has to be handled sensitively in order to a. Not have a negative impact on the DC and b. To maintain your own boundaries. And, I see that you refer to him as 'new P'. How new? Because I'd say right now that if he's been around less than a year and is starting to throw his weight around re your co-parenting arrangements, I'd bin him right now.

So, yes, talk to him. But with regard to your boundaries - the first thing I'd do is recognise that where you're starting from should not be 'understanding his difficulties' but giving a clear message to back right off from ANY assumption that he has a right to influence contact arrangements. I suspect he won't like you saying that.

I'm on the other side here as my DP has a very thorny XW and I find her intrusion hard to cope with. He is a very nice man but has weak boundaries and lets her criticise him freely still. He has DC every weekend which is fine, but if ever he is away she goes ballistic whether it is work or holiday. I'm sure there is a fine line to tread between being tolerant and being a pushover.

Keep talking to new P and it will become clear whether he is just irritated or a controlling twat.

I've noticed that some people have adverserial relationships with every ex of whoever their current partner happens to be and when there are children involved, it's an extremely immature, selfish response. In my observation, this is usually down to insecurity and downright competitiveness with other men/women and because deep down they can't stand the thought that someone else was once special to a partner.

What you propose saying sounds just right to me, but if I were you I'd explore why he wants you to have such limited contact with your children's father. It really doesn't sound like it's for your benefit, because working collaboratively with your ex is good for you and most importantly, good for your children. People often dress up their own insecurities and jealousy as 'concern for you' (or their dislike of an ex because of how he treated you) but what they are really motivated by is concern for their own wellbeing and their own jealousy.

I think everyone has given sterling advice so far.

What I have to add is this -

Boundaries are like fences around your life. And sometimes, you have to be out there guarding several of those fences by yourself, alone, at night. It is cold and lonely and no-one else is doing it with you or for you. And in fact, some of your nearest and dearest may be the very people that you are guarding your fences from!

But well done, - this is what adults sometimes have to do - so do it softly but firmly and clearly, and then retreat to have a glass of something fortifying and shake your head at the wryness of life.

X

I think you're approaching it right.

a) I've taken your view into account.
b) This is what I have decided
c) I expect you to respect and support my decision, even if you don't necessarily agree.

why do I always seem to post twice?!

That'll be the Ukuele.... it does weird things to people. :)

Yes - I haven't been quite the same since getting it

Ok I think it's understandable to feel protective if a former partner treated a loved one badly, but how that's handled and expressed tends to betray the true motivations. So, your new DP might not want to be friends with your ex or invite him round for dinner- and he might not be comfortable with you having any relationship beyond a co-parenting one where you can be civil and reasonably cordial, but there's a big difference between that and making a new partner's life difficult by having any contact with an ex, when it's blatantly obvious that it's best for the children if their parents are co-operative and at least polite in their dealings with one another.

When it's like that, it suggests this 'concern and protectiveness' is just a smokescreen for jealousy and insecurity. A woman colleague of mine was really arsey about her new DP's ex because the ex had cheated on him. I was baffled by this because she had cheated on her own husband too, but was having a sudden memory failure! I'm a bit blunt so remember saying 'isn't this really about your jealousy towards her?' and that didn't go down well, but it was also obvious it was the truth.

Are you in touch with any other exes and how is he about that? How does he respond generally to discussions about your previous relationships? This might give you a bit of a clue about what's behind it.

If you're sure that the contact you have with your ex is all about the children and the joint decisions and arrangements you must make as co-parents, then it's really important to state those boundaries to your partner and insist that he supports you. If on the other hand you're in touch about other stuff like true friends are, then maybe his concern has some merits but again even then that would be about his (not unreasonable) jealousy and not true concern for you.

Is he someone who can be honest with himself and you about what's really behind all this?

Yes; I think it may be a smokescreen. I'm not in touch with other ex's (well, there's one on the dreaded facebook, but there's a valid reason for that), I don't really have a desire to be.

We only ever discuss the children. We have had the occasional 'heated' discussion (on the phone and away from the children), both a little on the volatile and passionate side. It seems to be this that new P has issue with; the fact that we do occasionally rant at each other when we don't see eye to eye about DC, then work through it and find a compromise that we're both happy with and in best interests of DC. New P is a different type of person so may find it difficult to understand that dynamic?

Though, saying that, I am fully prepared for someone to say that this is not a healthy, adult way to conduct things..and that Ex & I shouldn't at all, ever be ranting at each other down the phone!( though have to say, we do always manage to be polite and friendly enough to each other in front of DC at hand-overs etc).

DC are at their Dad's tonight, so I'm going to take the opportunity to have a chat about boundaries..hopefully then I can find out exactly what the issue is..

This is odd. The thread seems to have permanently deleted a post of yours OP. It doesn't make much sense now, especially the apparently abitrary references to ukuleles that you'd previously mentioned in your now invisible post!

Never seen that before. Usually you see 'post deleted at poster's request' if something's missing.

It's hard to see your partner get upset after they've had a discussion with an ex as you get upset on their behalf. DP and his ex have had some extremely lively discussions which DP whitewashes over for the sake of the kids. I've had to learn to accept that, but it's easier for me as I know from being a parent that I also have to let some things my ex says and does slide in the interests of long term harmony for our DS. If I hadn't had a child of my own I probably would be finding it harder. Perhaps you could make an a analogy about a PITA at work who he has to tolerate in order to get the job done.

Also, you can fall into the trap of thinking you are strengthening your own relationship by it being you and your new partner against their ex. It gives you something to unite about. Ironically, of course, it does no such thing as eventually you'll stop telling him what's going on with DP, whether good or bad.

I think you're going to need to explain that you don't want to be caught between the two and you have no choice as a responsible parent to not communicate with your ex regularly. If your ex phones lots of times it may help to agree what you both feel is a reasonable number of calls to take a night (DP sometimes got many, many calls a night and it helped that at some point I could say 'enough' and he would turn his phone off without any further discussion). Obviously, in any form of crisis the rules are made to be broken.

HTH

That is very odd Francesca, I did wonder if there was a way to delete a post if you double-post but I didn't see any. Seems someone (MNHQ?) could and did..but deleted both?! How strange! I now appear to be very odd indeed randomly talking about ukuleles

That's a good analogy rickets, I'm sure he can think of a few PITA's at work that he has to tolerate!
Just had a chat and I understand a little more; he has observed a change in my mood after I've communicated with Ex and it's for that reason he finds it difficult. I do get that.
I also did say that it's really not appropriate for him to dictate how the relationship with Ex is..but that I take on board if I do seem distant and withdrawn after talking to Ex (I wasn't aware). I reiterated that I'm doing the best by DC (responsible parent) and he seemed to appreciate that.
All good I think . Thanks again to everyone for all the replies today.

Ah well that sheds a bit more light on events then OP. Good luck!