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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Lost

23 replies

Hithere123 · 19/09/2013 20:57

My husband told me last night he no longer wants to be with me. He said he is unhappy and has been for a long time. I thought we were okay, I am pregnant which was planned and prompted by him. He said he wants be to have an abortion. We already have 2 dc. I don't know what to do this isn't the first time he has said this.

OP posts:

JackyDanny · 19/09/2013 21:06

How far along are you?

You say the baby was prompted by him...would you consider going it alone?
you might have to.

any family who might help you?

He sounds like a real prick ray of sunshine.

Hugs

kinkyfuckery · 19/09/2013 21:09

Tell him where the door is then.

Don't be with someone who doesn't want to be with you, and certainly don't beg for them.

How far pregnant are you?

cosydressinggown · 19/09/2013 21:11

Never let anyone else tell you to abort.

Also, someone else telling me to abort would be a dealbreaker for me.

How fucking dare he.

Original poster

Hithere123 · 19/09/2013 21:11

I don't know if I can. I am a sahm and won't be able to afford not to find a job. I really don't know how I am going to survive with 2 never mind a new born...I am about 9 weeks maybe I don't really know. I just can't believe he has done this to me! I don't know what yo think. I keep trying to rel myself its for the best he's not a very nice person but I keep thinking of the baby. I don't want to kill my baby or do it alone

OP posts:

UnexpectedStepmum · 19/09/2013 21:14

Hello Hi. How do you feel about the pregnancy? How many weeks are you?

You must be going through an awful time, hormones are hard enough without a panicking man child too. Have you got any RL support?

There will be wiser people here soon, holding your handffor now.

totallydone · 19/09/2013 21:19

This sudden about turn by your DH is suspicious of an OW waiting in the wings. he has not been unhappy for a long time-he is talking shit trying to justify is actions.
You will survive with 2 or 3 babies. Please do not be pushed into a decision by the disgusting apology for a man. Take your time. Seek some legal advice-see what benefits you will be entitled to-remembering he will have to pay for his DC's.
Tell him he is free to leave -don't let the door hit his arse on the way out-do you have any family nearby that can come and be with you.
Take your time about any decisions you make about your pregnancy-you have a week or so to decide BUT it is YOUR decision what to do-not his.

Original poster

Hithere123 · 19/09/2013 21:34

Thanks for replying. He said he wouldn't leave the house I would have to go. He hasn't suggested what I do. I had my thoughts that he had someone else as he has been out until Kate many nights maybe that's true. He is even out now even though his boys are here. I think I know in my mind we need to split but I'm so sad for my dc they love their daddy. I don't want them to be sad. Is legal advise my next step do you think? How much is that?

OP posts:

RumpledClothes · 19/09/2013 22:41

What a total cunting bastard he is! I'm so sorry you are going through this, do not make any rash decisions and if you want this baby then keep it, you'll get benefits and will find you are stronger than you ever imagined when this dead weight is gone from your life.

Don't under any circumstances leave the house, if you are married he cannot just tell you to leave regardless of who's name the property is in. Get yourself legal advise a.s.a.p. most solicitors offer a free half hour, try a few and make sure you take a list of questions to make the most of that time. Take a good friend along for support.

I do think it sounds like an OW though, suggest a baby to cover his tracks and then panic when you actually get pregnant as this wasn't part of the plans and the OW will find out he was lying through his teeth when he claimed that you were only together for the sake of the children and were not intimate.

Thinking of you and you are much better than this waste of space.

YellowTulips · 19/09/2013 22:51

Do not leave the house. Get legal advice ASAP.

You have some time to think about what YOU want to do about the pregnancy.

You need to seize back control. Do this by having a plan and understanding your options.

Sorry but I would put money on there being someone else involved here.

scallopsrgreat · 19/09/2013 23:45

It is very telling when the person who wants to end the relationship insists that the other person (and presumably his children too - are you the primary carer?) leave the house. And demanding you get an abortion is another extension of that. He has no right to tell yo what to do with your body. It shows a massive sense of entitlement which is usually indicative of other abusive traits. There are a lot of red flags in your posts Hithere.

Agree with YellowTulips, don't leave the house. Get legal advice ASAP.

Original poster

Hithere123 · 20/09/2013 08:18

Thank you so much for all your support. He has told me this am he will give us 2000 a month so we can move on until I get "on my feet". Should I do this? I can't bare to be in the house with him and I don't want this affecting my dd.

OP posts:

TheSeaPriestess · 20/09/2013 09:40

I wouldn't trust his 'promises'. Seriously, get legal advice and don't do anything until then. If he is unhappy, he should be the one to leave, how dare he tell you to get out!

Trigglesx · 20/09/2013 09:43

Don't take his word for anything. Get legal advice before you do anything, and that includes leaving. At the moment, if he is unhappy, tell him HE can leave.

VulvaVoom · 20/09/2013 09:46

What an entitled fucking arsehole! How dare he do this to you.

No, don't go anywhere, speak to a good friend/relation for support and get some legal advice ASAP (most will offer a free 30 min session)

Maybe do a bit of digging too if you have the strength, this sounds very odd behaviour from someone who wanted another baby less approx 10 weeks ago, so like others I'm wondering of there is an OW.

Has he got form for this? Or EA? He sounds like a prize prick.

So sorry this is happening to you x

VulvaVoom · 20/09/2013 09:46

How dare he do this to you and your DCs I should have said! Hugs x

OrmirianResurgam · 20/09/2013 09:49

Jeez!! I am so sorry. I think you need to get legal advice asap.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 20/09/2013 09:53

What???
He's horrible. Less than three months ago he was making a baby with you, now he's telling you to abort it and kicking you out of your home?
I'm really sorry, it screams other woman. But that almost doesn't matter. Whatever his reasons, he's behaving horribly and he is clearly not a good man.
If you want to keep the baby then do. Go and see a solicitor on Monday and start proceedings to get divorced and get him out. Awful man.

iamjustlurking · 20/09/2013 12:40

I obviously can't tell you what is best for you and your DC but I can tell you I had a totally unplanned pregnancy,knew my marriage was failing and had the same dilemma as you are in, also already having 2 older DC.

I decided I would terminate but when it came to it just didn't feel right for me and decided I had raised 2 DC more or less alone I could do manage 3, my marriage ended in truly dramatic circumstances and was homeless with 8,5 yr old and 3 week old .. 10 yrs later we have survived and I have the most amazing DC .. we are still broke and life launches from one disaster to the next but ... :)

BIWI · 20/09/2013 12:42

Do not leave your own home! You have 2 DC, where would you go? Or is he just kicking you out?

What a horrible, horrible man.

YellowTulips · 20/09/2013 12:57

Again - do NOT agree anything without legal advice.

Do NOT leave the house.

You REALLY need to stop him "managing" you in this process. He CAN'T be trusted.

Do you really think you will see £2000 a month after you have moved out? Really?

Please get to a lawyer today.

totallydone · 20/09/2013 20:33

No no no no and then again NO
This man can not be trusted. he wants you out and will do and say anything to get you to leave. He will not give you £2000 per month he is saying that to get you out.
Stay put get legal advice. Agree to nothing.
Is he putting more pressure on you about the pregnancy?

Original poster

Hithere123 · 20/09/2013 22:48

Well I have cried buckets today and realise i can do this on my own. I love my babe even if he doesn't. I know it will be hard but I can never regret having my little one! I feel stronger even though I've cried all day! I listened to an answer phone message from mw an sage thinks I am about 12 weeks I'm going to see her next week and have scan...alone (oh god!) Just need to get some legal advise sorted! Monday here we come! I think I was more upset about the bang than him! I will be glad when this is over and me and my dc can move on!

OP posts:

totallydone · 20/09/2013 22:58

Of course you can do this on your own love. It won't be easy but ultimately you will have payback 100% from the love and joy that your DC's will bring you.
You won't always be unhappy but he will always be a twat.
Please lean on RL friends as much as you can and come back to MN for some handholding (and a kick up the bum if needed)
Please get legal advice asap and don't move out the house which is your and the DC's home.
Do you have your own bank account? If so do you get the child benefits etc paid to you-if not get it changed.
Stop doing anything for him in the house, no cooking cleaning laundry for him-live as if separated.
Do not argue, be civil don't engage in unnecessary conversation. Take time to get your head together. This man is not your friend, he does not have you or your unborn DC's wellbeing at heart, so try to disengage while you get your life sorted.
Don't be surprised if an OW appears out the woodwork and he starts to rewrite the histry of your relationship.

oh and goodluck with your scan next week

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