Don't want to die a lonely old lady!

[justgotquestions]

Ok so I have been single forever. Actually forever - combination of home issues, responsibilities, shyness and zero self worth right through from primary school age means that I have ended up 28 with pretty much zero experience with men.

I know it is really weird and I hate it. Not that I want to be wild and sleep with lots of people but I want to meet someone and fall in love and get married. However I can't flirt and don't really meet men - well not single ones anyway. And the ones I do meet seem to like the louder forward girls.

Now I have met a man. I say met - we bump into each other a couple of times a week and he seems really nice. Single too! A fair bit older than me and has a daughter.

I don't know what to do next!! We chit chat when we bump into each other but I am rubbish at small talk. How do you know if a man likes you or if he is just being polite? I sound about 13 now!

I'm guessing that there's no mutual friend to check how the land lies. So, what opportunity is there to suggest something more than just bumping in to each other. Do you feel able to give us a bit more information about where you see him?

Another, obvious question is, I guess, would you try internet dating (I'm afraid I'm a bit old to have experienced that when I was single).

No mutual friends really - we bump into each other at the local corner shop.

Hello. Well i know exactly what it feels like to be useless with men. Not sure if i should be one to advise.
But i would say its very difficult to move on from bumping into someone at local shop to suggesting a date. Without feeling quite forward.
I am just wondering if one day you meet him you could pretend you have lost keys and are killing time til your mum/friend etc gets out of work and can give you spare key. And see if he suggests a coffee ?

Yep, you need something very low key and invite him along. Say something like you're going to try that new cafe or feed the ducks at that park. Make it something that you're already doing (even if your not) and would he like to join you. Keep it very casual. An alternative is to say you're going to be at a certain event on Thursday night with your friends if he's passing. Again, you're not asking him out, just opening the door.

Definately try to get to know him but I lso recommend not putting all your eggs in one basket and try online dating too so that you have options if this onedosn't work out. If it's any consollation I am 35 and have been single forever!

I think what is kinda freaking me out is that I am my age and have never been on a date. Men just don't see me. It doesn't help that I feel like a big fat blob but I am just starting a diet / exercise plan.

I just don't know if he is thinking that I am nice or thinking I am weird and that he is just being polite.

so who initiates the small talk, and does he linger with it, and does he ask any questions?

could you ask for recommendations for good cafes/pubs? maybe he'll get hte hint and invite you.

Giving a mans point of view , why not tell him you are going for a coffee and would he like to join you if he doesn't want to then chin up and go for a coffee anyway.
And don't put yourself down you are still only young and the right person will come along, go for it or you will always be left wondering what if.

btw OP, how do you know if he;s single? if he actually told you, it's more than small talk, in which case just offer to join you in a cafe after the shop.

A friend of a friend knows his most recent ex girlfriend and it came up in conversation.

Men just generally don't notice me - I don't really know why. Well I am plain and shy so maybe I just blend into the scenery.

Ask open questions and pick up on the answers.

I am just rubbish at it!

Saw him today in the shop - he walked over and asked how I was and made a comment about the weather. I said something typically inane ....

I just don't know how you tell if someone is interested in you!!

well what he just did is one sign. Not that that is a sure sign. Plenty of people are just friendly, but it's a start.

Is there anything at all you can suggest to him that you might go to.

'Are you taking your kids to the fair that's on next weekend?'

'The Dove and Bear is under new management. Have you been in? My friend and I were going to go next Thursday'

'have you and your girlfriend been to the Cafe de Paris? Oh you don't have a girlfriend? That's a shame. '

Anything at all?

Have you thought about trying something like confidence coaching?
Your whole thread shows you have really low self esteem and constantly talk yourself down.
It's well known that men are attracted to confident ( not loud) women. If you feel 'invisible' then you will be.
You need to work on your self esteem and if this means making a real effort to lose weight, look more fashionable or whatever it takes, then do it.
At 28 you are not old at all. But you need to shake up your feelings about yourself before you are ready to meet or date men.
TBH I'd give up on the man in the shop. If he noticed you he ask you out.

I wouldn't give up yet, the fact that he came over & asked how you were shows at least that he likes you, it may just be a friendly like, but if he couldn't stand you he wouldn't have done that.

Why not forget about asking him out but concentrate on just being REALLY friendly, like he was just one of your other friends. What do you chat to them about? Just chat about anything - what you're buying, the weather, what you're doing today.

Also, you seem to 'bump into' him a lot. Have you thought that he might be deliberately going there at the same time on purpose? To 'bump into' you? He might be just as shy but just wants to see you.

Be confident! If nothing else you'll gain a friendly face to say hello to.

Ask questions and make compliments.

By asking questions you show you are interested and allow him to talk about himself. It's also useful to ascertain what type of man he is.

By making compliments (but don't exaggerate, they should be genuine) he'll have an ego lift and feel good around you.

If he comes over give him your full attention. Answer any question and lead to another question.

As suggested, you can lead the conversation to things you might do together and go from there.

I can be chatty with people - even strangers - but I feel really awkward around him. He is nice but I am second guessing everything I say and worrying about how I look.

Maybe I need to lose weight and fix myself before attempting to inflict myself on another person.

Even though I am shy people say that I am approachable .... I just struggle to feel worthy of people's attention.

Some good suggestions on here OP. You do put yourself down a lot so the confidence coaching that misbopeep suggested sound likes a brilliant idea, and keep working on the weight loss.

If you're unsure about how to dress, a lot of shops have people who can advise you.

But I would stay away from internet dating until you have a bit more experience with men as it can be a bit of mine field.

Don't give up on the man in the shop, even if you were to just become friends it would give you a man to be social with and you might make some friends through him.

When you're feeling a bit more confident, what about taking up some new interests. Not always a sure fire way of meeting people, but you never know.