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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What should I do about this friendship group?

15 replies

Stungbyawasp · 19/09/2013 14:31

I've known this group of friends for about 5 years, since our dc were babies, I'll call them A,B and C. We usually meet up once a month for dinner/drinks. I'm closest to friend A, our dc went to the same nursery and we also had dc2 at the same time.

About a year ago friend A moved house and lives closer to B and C. She started mentioning that B and C had been inviting her to their houses for coffee after school drop off but I was never invited. Whenever I invited them to my house friend A would come but B and C would always decline. When I mentioned this to A she said "ignore them Stung, they're snobs". She said she had been talking with her dh about it and he had said they only want to associate with other professionals and as I am sahm (used to have well-paid job!) I am of no use to them.

I felt really hurt by this comment and started to pull back from the group and miss a few nights out with them and just met up with A. Then I would get Facebook messages saying they miss me, hope I'm ok etc etc so I would cave in and go to the next meet up but it is always in the back of my mind that they are looking down on me.

Earlier this year I arranged to meet B and C in the local park with our dcs. B said they couldn't guarantee to get there exactly on time as friend C has a young baby. I said no problem I would pick up a coffee on the way if I was early. My bus was late so I went straight to the park and was about ten mins late. They were nowhere to be seen. I then got a text to say they had gone to the coffee shop and were staying there while the dc had their drinks. My dcs did not want to leave the park as we had just got there so I stayed until they arrived. They came back after 35 mins and B announced that C was tired so they were going straight home and they walked off!

Friend C apologised after but B has not said anything and things have remained strained between us. There have been other things but this is already an essay, Thanks if you have got this far!

Over the holidays A was away and I did not initiate any contact with B or C. I want to move on from the group and have already said no to two meet ups but already I am getting texts from A and C asking what's wrong. It all sounds so bloody childish and dh is sick of the whole thing. What would you do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Stungbyawasp · 19/09/2013 14:40

Meant to add that I don't have a problem with anyone meeting up without me and I don't expect to be invited to every coffee.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 19/09/2013 16:56

So all this blew up over something A said? Is there any possibility A has caused all the hassle by telling you one thing and B&C another?

PeteCampbellsRecedingHairline · 19/09/2013 17:04

Have you posted about this before? It sounds familiar.

I personally would start trying to meet new friends at toddler groups and hobbies. Maybe keep in casual contact with A if you think she's worth it.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 19/09/2013 17:10

I'd just keep in casual contact if and when I felt like it

With my NCT group, I've tried to keep things on that basis and made sure Ive kept up with my other groups of friends as I prefer not to get too heavily invested in any one group

Original poster
Stungbyawasp · 19/09/2013 17:14

Yes, I would be none the wiser about the meet ups until she pointed it out. It has crossed my mind that she may be stirring it up but no idea why she would do this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stungbyawasp · 19/09/2013 17:15

This is my first post. I've name changed as B knows my MN nickname but I have been on here for about 5 years and get involved in the Woolly Hugs blankets.

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breatheslowly · 19/09/2013 17:20

It sounds like A and her DH were stirring massively. They have no evidence that B & C don't want to see you because you are a SAHM, it is just a guess.

It might just be that they don't think you would want to go to their house after school as it is a bit of a trek for you and that 4 sets of DC is a bit much.

The park thing sounds like "just one of those things". It can be hard to coordinate meeting in public places and once your DC have got stuck in (to a drink or playground) it is hard to lure then away.

Realistically, why would WOHMs object to a SAHM? I am a WOHM and have SAHM and WOHM friends. I value all of them. Just because our lives are different doesn't mean we have nothing in common. And from a mercenary point of view there is a big advantage to WOHMs cultivating friendships with SAHMs as they can very occasionally be asked to help out in a crisis (e.g. my train is delayed, can you go and collect DC). I don't have any SAHM friends locally, so can't ask for this type of favour and wouldn't cultivate relationships with this as a goal. But I can see that it might be useful and a WOHM could offer some babysitting at the weekend to ensure it is a reciprocal thing, not just one way.

So the explanation from A and her DH doesn't sound particularly plausible.

PeteCampbellsRecedingHairline · 19/09/2013 17:43

Sorry I didn't mean anything. I just thought I'd read it before. I probably imagined it.

Grin
Original poster
Stungbyawasp · 19/09/2013 17:52

It seemed plausible to me because they are quite obsessed with knowing other professionals. They list who they know in terms of their helpfulness. Other people have joined and left the group over the years. The most recent were a doctor and a teacher. The girl who worked at DFS was described as "common".

OP posts:
Original poster
Stungbyawasp · 19/09/2013 17:54

Petecampbell - no worries, there have been quite a few of these friendship threads lately!

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HellonHeels · 19/09/2013 18:16

"common" because she worked in dFS? Shock I'd be looking for some new friends, these ones sound awful.

Licketysplit123 · 19/09/2013 18:32

Friend B possibly sounds the most objectionable. Although obviously, that's a judgment based on little information. If A and C are making the effort to get in touch, then great, no need to be unfriendly, but it sounds like you are not getting anything out of this little group dynamic.

If it was me I would keep my distance now and not go out of my way to get in touch. Concentrate on other friends that don't get involved in high school cliques

breatheslowly · 19/09/2013 20:23

The sound foul. And without much class themselves - I think it is pretty vulgar to call people "common" or to classify friends by "professional helpfulness".

I'd drop the lot of them. Not in a needy way or unpleasant way - deflect their "we miss you, are you ok?" messages with being far too busy.

PeteCampbellsRecedingHairline · 19/09/2013 21:58

They do sound horrible.

Agree with breatheslowly's suggestion of being busy. You've got half term, Halloween, Bonfire Night, Christmas and New Year events/parties,etc that will keep you busy. Wink

Original poster
Stungbyawasp · 19/09/2013 22:21

Thanks everyone for your comments. I like your suggestions - I'm going to be very busy over the next few months Wink and will arrange to catch up with some old friends that I've not seen for a while.

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