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Original poster

Can someone tell me if this is an unreasonable request from DH?

45 replies

mojoawol · 19/09/2013 13:29

DH doesn't like one of my friends, for a variety of reasons, but she's my friend, she's not a bad person, but he just doesn't like her.

He has asked that I make sure she is not in the house when he's in (whether popping in for coffee, glass of wine whatever). He's not trying to prevent me from seeing her (ie fine if she's here when he's not, or going out with her)

I've been trying to get my head round whether I would ever make that request of him (don't particularly dislike any of his friends, but still don't think I would make that kind of demand unless I thought they were bad people to have around the kids)

So, is this an acceptable request? Or unreasonable and slightly controlling?

OP posts:

WaitingForMe · 19/09/2013 15:09

I think it's reasonable but then DH has friends I won't socialise with as they're painfully dull. They came to our wedding but we tend to have dinner parties and I won't have them wasting seats that could be filled by lovely engaging people.

He's welcome to spend time with them but I don't like them. It's a failing on my part but I can live with being imperfect more than I can dull evenings.

BelaLugosisShed · 19/09/2013 15:43

He sounds entirely reasonable, no way would I want someone who I didn't like, in my house , especially when I wasn't there.

Jan45 · 19/09/2013 16:04

WFM: haha, I like it.

pictish · 19/09/2013 16:10

I'd rather he behaved like the adult he is and made civil for the short time he would be in her company to be honest.

YoniBottsBumgina · 19/09/2013 16:10

I think it is unreasonable actually. Reasonable to request that you don't plan cosy nights in as the three of you, invite her to group gatherings he is a part of, and reasonable e.g. to not invite her over on his day off, but no way should she be expected to leave when he is heading home so that their paths never even risk crossing. He can always busy himself in another room, surely? What on earth would he do if he ran into her in the supermarket?

BumbleChum · 19/09/2013 16:17

Do you think your friend might fancy your DH, OP? Perhaps she's made a pass at him and he's told her to get lost, and now he doesn't want to see her. In which case he's entirely unreasonable.

If he just finds her a bit irritating but it's not really her fault, then I think he is being a bit U.

Platinumstart · 19/09/2013 16:18

Not so much unreasonable as just bloody odd.

Given that she hasn't apparently behaved particularly badly, it's fine for him to avoid her but to not allow her in your (as in belong to you both) house when balanced against the fact you and her are friends seems a little childish.

mynewpassion · 19/09/2013 16:21

She's allowed in the house, just not when he's there.

I don't think its unreasonable. However, I would ask that he be polite in the interims that can't be scheduled like her stopping by without calling or she was already there and he came home early.

Pagwatch · 19/09/2013 16:22

Yep, it's your home.
If he is asking you to help him out = reasonable
If he s telling you who to allow in and when = not his business and very unreaonable.

Chubfuddler · 19/09/2013 16:22

There's a reason for this. It's not necessarily what AF suggested but the reasoning re the friend she had a "fling" with is too long ago to explain why he's doing this now.

I would have to ferret it out of him.

zatyaballerina · 19/09/2013 17:33

Not unreasonable at all.

chateauferret · 19/09/2013 17:40

I think he's being U.

If she's in the house he is not obliged to socialise with her I suppose and he can stay out of her way but it's his choice and so his responsibility. OK, maybe it would be insensitive to impose her on him all the time but if he's a grown up and you don't live in a shoe box what is his problem?

Unless of course her behaviour around him or the DCs were U in its own right but then you wouldn't let her in in the first place.

YoniBottsBumgina · 19/09/2013 21:27

I am really fascinated to see how split this thread is - it must be something about attitude to the "sacredness" of the home space, as well as perhaps the amount of time you expect to spend with your partner when you are together in the house? Just one of those things that everyone has a different take on I suppose.

cosydressinggown · 19/09/2013 22:56

My hubby has a couple of friends of mine that he doesn't like much, and he might grumble a bit about having to be subjected to their presence, but he would never say don't have them round when he's there. At the same time, out of respect for his feelings, I do try to have them round when he's out or busy as there's no point forcing him to spend time with them.

As long as your hubby is ok with the thought that he may occasionally still see this person and isn't rigid about the new rules regarding her then I think it's probably fine, although not something my hubby would explicitly ask of me.

FrancescaBell · 20/09/2013 01:05

I don't think I've ever had a vehement dislike of any of DH's friends over the years, nor he mine, but in the unlikely event of it happening I don't think it's unreasonable not to want to spend time with someone and I do think someone's home is their sanctuary. But if he had a friend I couldn't stand I'd have no issue with him being in our house as long as I wasn't and if he'd dropped in unexpectedly or had outstayed his welcome, I'd be fine with a warning text so that I could delay my return home if necessary.

Though to be honest, I'd probably say a polite hello and head up to have a lovely bath until said friend had evacuated the building.

topicsactiveimon · 20/09/2013 01:13

I've met one or two people in life that I just do not like. Really, in fact, despise. It's not that they've done anything to me, it's just... I don't think they are good people and I don't want to see them. So if he's like this about your friend, I can really understand his point. I would always meet your friend somewhere other than your house, if you can. He's not even said 'don't let her in the house', or anything controlling or daft like that. So I don't think he's being unreasonable.

OlympicSleepingChampion · 20/09/2013 01:36

DP has a friend that I cannot stand and I've told him that I do not want him round here as he is just totally inappropriate. He is a totally sexist pig who thinks it is funny to share the intimate photos that women send to him on dating/messaging sites with anyone he is socialising with. And then seems to think I will join in with the 'joke' along with DP. DP has distanced himself from him recently off his own bat thankfully, although I don't give a shit if DP meets him in the pub or wherever.

Shit AF? Am I shagging him? It probably doesn't sit brilliantly with DP that I've banned his mate from our house but I have my reasons.

atrcts · 20/09/2013 02:46

I don't think it's fair to ask a partner to keep their friends out of the house just because you don't like them (assuming the friend doesn't trash the place for you!). We all have to rub shoulders with other people that we don't particularly like or agree with, its a case of shrugging and 'live and let live'. And it's BOTH of your home, not just his.

But on the other hand, if I knew my partner didn't like someone to that level, I would want to spare him by meeting the friend elsewhere (or at the house if I knew he wouldn't be there), out of consideration and to give him that space because I am nice like that!

CinnabarRed · 20/09/2013 05:52

For me, I think a lot depends on frequency. There's a friend of DH's that I don't like very much, but I don't see him more than a couple of times per year (we live a distance apart, all of us work FT and so have busy weekends with our small children, etc etc) so I can cope with him just fine.

I can imagine that I might end up saying something to DH if it were weekly, or even monthly, TBH.

GilmoursPillow · 20/09/2013 06:13

OP, is he only asking that their paths don't cross now, or has this always been the case and you're only posting about it now?

Does that make sense?

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