When a husband forms an affectionate friendship with another woman, does this necessarily mean he has a crush on her?

[arabella2]

Maybe this question sounds a little silly and childish, but I need some other opinions. Preferably from people who were actually THERE at the time, but since there is nobody apart from dh and woman (and my 2 year old!), can I please ask you?
Since last autumn/winter my dh has been doing work (along with the people who work for him) on this woman's house up the road. She is getting the work done in dribs and drabs as and when she gets the money and is a little topsy turvy in her way of thinking of things to be done so has got him to do loads of things not necessarily in the right order... Anyway, this job seems to be going on for ever and ever and I was a little paranoid about her before Xmas as dh obviously liked her and I was heavily pregnant (dd born in March) and we were not that affectionate with each other at that point. Then we had the baby and things were much better between us until recently - especially last weekend when we had a argument for which dh is now punishing me by being uncommunicative, cold and moving to the guest room. I stopped being paranoid about the woman up the road when dh said she couldn't stop talking and rang him too much to go over jobs to be done and was a little mad. Every now and then I am paranoid again when I hear him laughing on the phone to her (she'll ring about the work and then talk away (I have met her and she DOES talk a lot) and he'll laugh at her jokes)). I once said something about him being nicer to her than to me and he said something like "I grovel" (I suppose because she is paying him to do work in her house). Incidentally she does have a boyfriend.
Anyway, 3 days ago I stopped by where he was working and she popped out of her house into her car (he was working in the flat upstairs instead of her flat). He was very cold to me because of said argument... but spoke kindly and kind of affectionately to her and to be honest my nose is out of joint. She was saying something to the other bloke working there about something she had drunk and dh goes "what" kind of affectionately and half laughing as one would speak to a child one likes. Then later she said something to dh about thank you for doing something in her garden (well, not him personally but somebody who works for him) and she was smiling. And there he was smiling right back saying he thought she would need help / appreciate it.
I am sure this sounds convoluted and childish and I would have more to add about the nature of friendship, love (or not) for one's wife but the baby has woken up and I have to go and get her.
Incidentally, dh and I have three kids together, 4 years old and younger.

If there was something going on I doubt they would be laughing and smiling at each other in front of you. I can have a right barney with dh but then as soon as we see someone else (especially if one of dh's cutomers) we are both full of smiles and as nice as pie. Of course he's going to be smiley to her - he's sulking at you but that doesn't mean he's going to be sulky where work is concerned.
I really wouldn't worry if I were you.

I think you have to look at these things as patterns - is this usual/unusual for him? - and deal accordingly.

Eg, as parallel, my dh has masses of women friends and has always had - so it's completely usual for him to be chuckling on the phone with someone female, and it doesn't mean anything, because it's just ordinary.

But if what your dh is doing is not ordinary for him, and it seems like he might be having his head turned, I would be much warier. Which is it, do you think?

My husband had an affair arabella2 and I am not saying yours will but trust you instincts.I wish I had.I started a thread on here 13 days after their affair started and She was a neighbour. Smiling at me but all over dh and him ignoring my needs.I didn't know what to think.Trust your instincts if you think she is fter him then only you will know that.My dh and her did smile and laugh with one another when there was something going on.She had a husband too.Please don't take this the wrong way I am not saying he is but only you know that.We have this instint us girls don't we?

My guess is that this woman is bringing in a fair bit of work for your dh/his company so your dh is keeping her onside. If he treated her the way he treats you she would almost certainly look for someone else to carry out the work for her.

I would be seriously p*ssed off about the way he is treating you, especially when you have a young baby to look after, but not read too much into his friendship with the other woman.

Hi Arabella

When my dp started having his affair there was a point at which it became (in hindsight) obvious - I call it the point when the dance stopped - removing himself from my personal space whilst interacting (say we were cooking together)the whole experience of being with him became stilted - despite the words coming from his mouth - the actions and words just didn't fit any more. I was pregnant at the time - really knocks the stuffing out of you but you can't quite put your finger on it...

Don't know if any of this will help - I hope it's reassuring to you in that it's not really like anything you're experiencing

x

I do think he is keeping her "onside" as it were. He has always been quite friendly to the women who work for him (he has also had some and still has one furniture shop) and I have at times been a little surprised at how open he can be so I know he can be friendly, but I've never seen it happen in a "non-work" situation as it were. I don't think for one minute actually that they are having an affair - it's more along the lines of whether in a way he would, subconsciously even, rather be with her than with me. It is possible that in some way she is after him, I don't know. Dh told me that she is flirty with them (also with younger guy who works for him) but that it's all a game and that she is like that with everybody. I feel kind of hostile towards her for thinkking that she can gab away for hours and tell MY (!) dh all kinds of things (she is very talkative), but at the same time of course people ARE allowed to form friendships outside of relationships. And I also think it's normal to find other people attractive - it's kind of reassuring to know that you do still find other people attractive as long as it is just that and nothing else. Other jobs have gone on for a long time as well but none as long as this. Dh told me that she is lonely (despite boyfriend) and wants company. I'll write more later as dd1 has done poo and is putting hand in nappy!

sorry to selfishly bump but need one or two more opinions if poss

arabella - my opinion is that this sort of relationship with any work colleague is out of bounds for a married person. (how would he feel if you were at work f/t, and had a similar close relationship with a male boss!)
I think that in a relationship, there is a duty not just not to do anything, but not to look as though you're doing anything either. But I am awere that many MN'ers disagree.
Trust is a delicate issue.

My Dh is a builder and I would be devastated if he was talking and flirty with a female wether or not it brings work in. He once had this client, Cathy, who came here to my house with a set of plans for Dh to price up. she had a dp and he came too...she howver had been calling dh for days before they ever came here, and was as friendly with him as if she had known him forver, calling him by the shortend version of his name and not his full name that it says on his business cards.. the next time she came alone to discuss some change to the plans, and she was only wearing a pair of shorts and a bikini top I was so hurt and angry at dh, even though I could see that he wasn't doing anything to encourage her..she seemed to want attention. she called a lot of times a day on his mobile, once calling at 10.30am on a Sunday morning, I answered his phone and told her it was out of working hours and my dh was in bed beside me and our children and would discuss business with her after 9am on Monday morning, she apologised profusely and that was that! I still hate her though

I agree with Cupcakes and Coppertop. He has to stay friendly with a good client especially if his salary depends on the amount of work he gets. I have worked with people that at some point I have been affectionate with or they have been to me but that doesn't mean that any of us were asking for an affair.

I really think that any person who believe that once you are married any person from the opposite sex being friendly to your husband/wife is asking for an affair have a lot of insecurities to deal with. But I see that this is not your case, you are seeing clearly what is going on, you can see it is a business relationship, but you also see that something is wrong with your marriage, so please do something about it now, before you feel like an affair is a real possibility.

Having only read your first post so far, i would say there is nothing to worry about.

I would feel quite comfortable with all going on, if he's not talking to you, and knows how jealous you are - could he be deliberately over friendly with her to wind you up?

I agree with Hattie05, does sound to me that he is doing to it to wind you up/punish you for your argument. Especially as he is still sulking over a row from last weekend. To go from being cold with you and then to being super friendly with her sounds alot like it was a show for your benefit. What ever the reason sounds like you need to sit down and have a serious chat to clear the air and let each other know what you're feeling

Thanks all for your thoughts - it always really helps to get feedback. I don't think he is flirting with her (well hope not anyway) but just taking as he finds - she is quite open so he is too. Things are less cold between us which is good and maybe this argument will help to right some of the imbalance of power that has existed between us as I am not going to overstep the mark anymore where he is concerned (interrupt him when he is working etc...) but he better not with me either (sometimes talk to me as if I am a silly fool from another planet). So if a week's silence means we are more respectful of each other in general, than that's fine.