The end of the affair - little hand hold

[fullycaffeine]

I posted a few months ago about my marriage being in a bad place, and having a crush on someone I was working with.

My crush developed into a 3 month emotional affair.

Conversations with the other man developed into talking about being together, how it might work practically being together etc.

We ended up sharing a tent on a work trip away (my work is not conventional!) and had a bit of a cuddle, and talked more about being together.

To cut a long story short, hubby found out about our night in the tent, was understandably furious, we separated for a short while, and through counselling and open communication we are now piecing things back together. It's a slow process, but things are better than they have been in a long time.

I have 2 dc's (young), and realised that I wasn't willing to simply uproot them and move directly in with someone else, and came to the realisation that neither was I willing to just chuck my marriage away without first seeing whether the spark could be reignited.

When I ended the affair, OM got pretty angry and upset that I wasn't willing to immediately jump in to living with him, and basically denied any involvement, saying nothing had happened. Physically it hadn't but it certainly had emotionally on both sides. OM painted himself as victim to my advances, when it was very much mutual.

We still carried on working together as we had work events we had to fulfil as part of a team.

Fast forward a few months, and working with him has become impossible. He's being vile - my work and social life crosses over, so working with him, and my DH being in the same room was proving to be very tense.

Our work commitments came to a temporary stop. I then found out that OM had been badmouthing me to the colleague we both work with. In addition, he told me that a particular element of our project was 'crap', 'poor', 'weak' and said that because I was a mother to two children I would be unlikely to achieve all I wanted in my work.

I snapped, and decided that enough was enough and it was time to move on and get this person out of my life - for me, my sanity, and my marriage going forward.

I ended our working relationship by email (I know, I could have done it face to face, but I had had enough), he was owed some money, which I settled by sending via post.

He has been in touch today with a vitriolic message berating me for being so immature in ending things without seeing him face to face (in my view, his denial of everything, plus badmouthing me was enough to justify my way of ending it).

I feel I have been fair (I paid him), and patient (not arguing back, or slagging him off publicly, or telling anyone about what happened). I've tried to be polite with him.

Not looking for sympathy, as I know I made mistakes, but I guess I need some reassurance that I've done the right thing by cutting all contact. I just feel I need it to move forward with life & my marriage. DH is obviously really pleased.

Feels difficult, and I suspect the badmouthing may continue to a wider circle of work colleagues which I guess I can't stop. Our paths are unlikely to cross, as in seven years of living where I do I had never met him.

I do now feel immature, but he has been so horrible and hurtful to me, at the same time I just don't see why I should care so much!

Feel a bit better for getting it off my chest, sorry so long.

You have definitely done the right thing by cutting all contact with this man. Whether or not you can make a go of it with your husband you do not need someone like him in your life.

Good luck moving forward and just try to forget about your pathetic former colleague.

Could this have ramifications for your job? A little unpleasantness and awkwardness that will pass in time is one thing, but could he really affect your working future if he plays nasty? My advice will differ depending on that.

Moral of the story:

affairs are a catastrophic mistake. On all fronts. Whatever stage, whatever solution they are being used for.

The end.

Well done caffeine sounds like you dodged a bullet there! Keep away from him and remember what other people think of you is none of your business!

Well I'm sorry OP but, you reap what you sow.

You had an affair. With a colleague. Your husband found out. It all went tits up. You dumped the OM. He's gutted. Your being bad mouthed.

Suck it up. Ignore OM. Move in with your marriage. Let this be a lesson learnt. This could be a very good opportunity to review whether your work life, social life and home life need to be so intertwined.

I agree with lemondrizzled
Good luck OP

Thank you for taking the time to reply to the thread, and for the good wishes. Was having a shit day yesterday and your kind words are appreciated.

I realise I made a huge mistake. It can't be excused, I did wrong, and behaved hurtfully. I know I have to just suck up any vitriol that comes my way, and that ultimately this is just a temporary awkwardness - one that, regrettably, I brought about myself.

Dahlen, I'm self-employed, and whilst we work in the same industry, it's not quite in the same field, so I doubt our paths will cross particularly frequently. Hopefully the ramifications won't be huge.

There are some people that we both know, and who have contracted us as a team, who I suspect he'll potentially try & discredit me with. I guess it will be fair enough if anyone chooses not to work with me because of what he says - although I gather from our fellow team member that I am not the first to be badmouthed by him and that the likely reaction to his derogatory comments will be a knowing eye roll.

In case there is any difficulty, there are enough other potential clients across the UK & internationally that I can work with that hopefully the impact to my work should be minimal.

As a note, I just wanted to say that my computer was playing up yesterday, so it posted multiple times. MNHQ can't delete multiple threads once they have responses, so for reference, here's the original thread (same title):

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1857467-End-of-the-affair-little-hand-hold