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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

She made him a fucking cake!!!!

17 replies

2anddone · 19/09/2013 10:39

The title will have outed me to any of you that may know me in rl but I don't care!
Dh left in march no warning just went, for those of you that posted support at the time you know he cheated in the past. There has been no evidence of cheating or ow and we have managed to keep things amicable for dc.
Last week was dd birthday so we went to my mums for dinner. Dm invited xh as she thought it would be nice for dc to have him there. I was Hmm but as she asked the dc if she should invite him not me I had no choice but to shut up and put up with it.
We went for dinner and it was the first time my parents had seen xh since he left. My mum had made him a fucking cake to take home with him! When we lived together she would often bring him a cake round but I was honestly shocked that she would make him one now he has left.
Meal was ok but slightly strained as I tried to bite my tongue and not say anything to upset dc. As we were leaving mum said to him 'bye mate, you know where we are if you are pasding the kettles always on even if you don't have the kids, you are still family!'
Later that evening dad added him as a friend on fb which xh has ignored.
mum and dad from day one has been convinced this is not all real and that xh must be depressed or hiding a terminal illness Hmm, not that he is a tosser that walked out on his family.
Please tell me that me being pissed off about the cake and their comments is not me bu?

OP posts:
Original poster
2anddone · 19/09/2013 10:52

Sorry for typos am on my phone.

OP posts:
KatyTheCleaningLady · 19/09/2013 11:00

You are not in the wrong to be annoyed, and good for you for keeping cool.

It may be good that they're trying to be kind, but it sounds like you feel they are taking his side against you. Sad

comedycentral · 19/09/2013 11:16

Have a word with them they are out of order Angry

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/09/2013 14:34

Sounds like you need to read them a few home truths, make it clear you don't want them cosying up to him and tell them they are being very disloyal and you find it upsetting. There may be a time in the future when you can feel OK about him being sat round the same table but I don't think it's now.

They shouldn't have to be told any of this, of course. However, IME with some people who have no concept of the trauma of divorce/separation, if you don't tell them straight that you need their loyalty and support, they can regard it as 'a bit of a tiff', try to stay friends with everyone thinking it'll blow over, and get it very badly wrong.

Jan45 · 19/09/2013 14:37

No, you're entitled to feel mad about this. Your mum and dad are in denial, did they think he was wonderful when you were together? If so, then they clearly don't want to believe that he did indeed just walk out on his family. You definitely need to enlighten them on what actually did happen.

The friend request and offer of tea is just bizarre.

PigStack · 19/09/2013 14:47

Oh God, how awful for you. However, in the long run their trying to build a bridge with him may be for the best.

I say this because a good friend and his DP split up very acrimoniously many years ago. 20 years later they cannot speak to each other without spitting fire which has had a hugely negative effect on their childrens relationship with the nrp. Neither my friend or his DP's parents got involved and it is my belief that if they had they could have spared the kids a lot. As little as he seems to deserve the honour right now he is your DC's dear father! and for their grandparents to include him that way and to maintain that it is your and his relationship which has broken up not theirs or his and his kids reinforces that it is NOT their relationship with their DF that is damaged.

I am very sorry for you - I am positive I would not be so magnamious if I were you either.

Ezio · 19/09/2013 15:06

I'd be infuriated if my family did that, you need to tell them some things and inform them any future shittiness like that will result in you backing away.

youvegotmail · 19/09/2013 15:09

Do they know about the previous cheating etc? I'd be inclined to let them know exactly what kind of man he is.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 19/09/2013 15:28

Good grief haven't your parents been aware of his unscheduled departure? They are deluded or wildly optimistic the past six months will somehow blow over.Okay no awkward scenes in front of your DCs but quite boggling.

He'd have been wearing that cake if I'd been there.

Original poster
2anddone · 19/09/2013 16:13

Thanks for your replies.
Yes they know about the cheating etc as I told them when he left in the hope they would support me. They blamed me for the break up as I have a hobby that takes me out of the house twice a week for 5 months of the year even though I am a sahm/student the rest of the time.
The thing that annoyed me the most is they didn't like him at all for the almost 20 years we were together and weren't shy in telling me!!!!

OP posts:
ipswichwitch · 19/09/2013 16:22

I see what you're getting at pigstack, but I believe there's a big difference between remaining civil to him for the sake of the kids and baking him a friggin cake! They have taken it too far with adding on Facebook and basically telling him their house is open to him, and I would be pissed off too.

Chyochan · 19/09/2013 16:24

When I split from my dc dad
(he was very abusive, called me a c**t in front of my family when I was 5 mins late to collect the kids (I had moved house that morning!), the reaction from my mum and brother was 'you must have done something to upset him')
my mum gave him our car, (it was in her name).
I had to get the bus with two small children while he drove arround in my mums car.
She would never hear a word against him, told me once 'your lying and anyway you deserve it'
Our relationship was never the same again.

blueberryupsidedown · 19/09/2013 16:31

Maybe she spiked the cake with diuretics.

Sparklysilversequins · 19/09/2013 16:45

chyochan Shock I could have no kind of relationship with those people. You would be better off without them in your life at all.

ShedWood · 19/09/2013 17:27

Ohhh blueberryupsidedown if my daughter ever takes up with someone who is unfaithful to her that's exactly what I'll do Grin

OP, only you can judge if they're trying to be amicable for the sake of the kids of if they're just trying to stir things up. Unfortunately there are many people in life who love to meddle with others just to have something to do/talk about; could that be your DM?

familyscapegoat · 19/09/2013 17:54

You aren't being unreasonable at all. I'm inclined to think that the current OW is just being hidden better than the others though.

Your parents should not have asked your daughter about her father's invitation without speaking to you first and their behaviour towards you is completely disloyal and yes, even blaming. Unfortunately there are lots of sexists both men and women who believe that men only cheat or leave home if their wives have driven them to it, and your mother's actions seem more designed to hurt you than to offer support to your ex.

Don't have family celebrations at their house any longer and confront your mother about her behaviour.

Offred · 19/09/2013 18:39

Your parents shouldn't be taking it upon themselves to meddle in your break up.

They possibly are thinking this will be better for the children but it will absolutely be worse for them!

They needs to take their lead from you and respect and support you.

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