Not sure where to go from here

[3ismylot]

Hi not really sure what I aim to gain from this but feel I need to get everything off my chest, completely understand if I get no replies!

DH and I have been together nearly 9 years and married for nearly 4, we have 3 children under 7 including twins.

We have been through lots together and always come through the other end but Im not sure if we can carry on anymore

DH has always been painfully shy to the point that he physically cant bring himself to join in and speak in large groups and often comes across as rude and stand offish he even finds it difficult to speak with me in these situations. I have never been keen on being centre of attention either so to start with it didnt really bother me too much but after 9 years and now the kids are all at school Im starting to resent the fact that we have no friends and no social life.

We both had difficult childhoods and I am only just getting to know my Birth family, they are very outgoing and welcoming and I am starting to overcome my shyness and am getting to know them, unfortunately DH just wont try with them and it causes rows everytime we meet with them

He admits that he finds life lonely and would love to have friends but he wont actually do anything about it!

I am at the end of my tether with it and am ready to walk away
I have tried being sympathetic and encouraging I have tried pushing him, not pushing him and nothing helps!

It might not sound like a lot to some of you on here but I am so worn down by it now I end up not making friends myself as I am ashamed of his behaviour so its easier to be like him, if he had his way we would never speak to anyone outside our family of 5 (except for work) and its hit me that once the kids leave home we will be that sad couple who have no one and do nothing and I dont want that life!

I have told him I want a divorce and he is begging me not to go that far, he is promising to get help but we have been here before and he doesnt bother and things are ok for a while but then something happens and I realise he will never change

How do I know whether to give him one last chance or to walk away for good?

HI, I understand how you feel. My dh is a very private person and it makes life hard he won't even discuss our recent problems with a counsellor even individually. I will be watching this thread with interest, and hope more of the regulars can give you some good advise, I was just lurking as usual lol and your thread caught my eye. I know how frustrating it is. X

That sounds miserable. For him as well as you - some people are perfectly content in a very small social bubble but he says he is lonely. At some point he is going to have to change for his own sake, or else be unnecessarily sad for life and most likely lose you too.

How far has he got in the past with seeking help? I'm just wondering if there are low-key ways of doing it that wouldn't be too alarming for him. There are probably lots of self-helpy type books about this kind of stuff that might at least get him thinking about what change might look like.

I'm saying all this assuming that he basically is willing, just scared, rather than being an arse.

Well, does he try to prevent you from having a social life? Do you have family close by that you can interact with? I suggest that you build up a separate social life of your own if your DH is intent on staying on the sidelines.

You realise your children will eventually grow up and have families of their own, (I know this is a long time in the future), do you think he will be able to socialise with them?

Would he be comfortable in a situation in your home entertaining another couple?

He sounds like someone who has undiagnosed Asperger's Syndrome, or at least on the autistic spectrum. The extreme social anxiety sounds like my DS, who knows he has no friends, wants them, but just can't do anything about it. Social situations freak him out and he genuinely can't cope with them.
My DH is mild ASD and also doesn't do social stuff. I have my friends, work, social life and we work round it. I'm constantly amazed that we have been married for 23 years because I'm so different from him. But for some reason it does work.
Would your DS be willing to get some sort of consultation re ASD? It really sounds like he's not being deliberately rude. I know you must be excited about forging relationships with your birth family, but it doesn't mean he has to. You can do that without him - explain to them how hard he finds any social situations outside the immediate family. Any family worth having would try and understand?

Has he tried cognitive behaviour therapy, to get him past his social anxiety issues?

What does he do for work - does it involve meeting/talking to people? I ask because if he can do it for work and not for home then it's a choice that he is making.

I feel for you both and hope he manages to overcome this.

I think it's always a mistake to expect someone to change their fundamental personality. Bad habits, possibly, but not the core of what makes them who they are. Sounds like the age-old story of one partner changing, maturing, wanting different things and the other - who has stayed exactly the same (and that's not a criticism) - falling increasingly short. It's sad but it happens a lot. There will be no happy outcome here, I'm sorry.